About girls and women not telling after they're attacked

[renate]

30. something similar happened to me and my sister

I haven't talked about this to anybody except my husband and my parents. But your story and hers made me so sad for you. So here goes.

We were four and six. My parents were on sabbatical in France and through friends had met a doctor and his wife. His wife was very sweet and I have to assume she had no idea about him. They had two kids. They all got to know each other and it was arranged (I have no idea whether it was him--creepy--or his wife--kind--who made the suggestion) that my sister and I would stay with them while my parents had a week away so they could see a bit of Europe on their own.

While my sister and I were supposedly asleep, he molested us, every night. With our parents out of the country and, in those days, pretty much completely out of touch--certainly my sister and I couldn't have contacted them. We were absolutely isolated from our parents for that entire week. He did it again when we spent the night at their house at a New Year's Eve party, with my parents downstairs. To this day I haven't even talked about this with my sister, even though we're close... I don't know whether she remembers and if she doesn't I don't want to risk reminding her. And I've only talked about it a little bit with my parents. I certainly didn't do so at the time; it took nine or ten years, even though, like you, we had and have a great relationship.

I just wanted you to know that I do not blame my parents in any way. NONE. And I never did, not the littlest bit. It's like with that minister--this was a doctor, vouched for by mutual friends, with kids and a sweet wife. It must have seemed absolutely safe. When I read your sentence "You can't imagine how horrible we feel that we did not protect her from this man," I felt so sad for you, and just wanted you to know that I was in a similar position to your daughter's, and it never crossed my mind to blame them. I'm sure, now that I'm a parent too, that they do feel bad about it (it's why I've only talked with them about it a couple of times; I don't want them to feel that way), but I wish they wouldn't. And actually, I think they probably feel more anger than guilt, which makes a lot more sense. The blame is 100% on the perpetrator.

Has your daughter talked to anybody at RAINN? I'm so sorry, so very sorry, for the lasting effects on her.