I didn't know this week would have this effect on me. Can anyone relate?

[LWilliams]

61. YES. SO MUCH YES.

I'm also 48 years old and listened to almost all of the testimony yesterday. I didn't realize how much Dr. Ford had affected me until I was making dinner and recapping the testimony to my husband, who hadn't been able to catch any of it. When I told him about her answer to the "What do you remember most?" question -- "The laughter. The uproarious laughter of two good friends having fun at my expense." -- I got choked up and couldn't go on. Something that happened to me when I was 8 years old came roaring back. It was a relatively benign incident among a bunch of third graders, and one I had thought about and dismissed many times over the years. But I hadn't remembered the laughter, and suddenly I did...and suddenly I couldn't breathe.

I tossed and turned all night. When I got up this morning I decided to go for a run, and while my body was working my mind was just spinning and churning up everything I felt when that thing happened, and every way it's affected me since then. Suddenly I could see with awful clarity the seed that was sown that day and the weed that took root and grew. My reactions to other incidents that happened to me as a pre-teen and a teenager and a young adult made so much more sense, and while I am glad for the epiphany I am also devastated by it. This thing reaches into every part of my life, right up to my adult relationships and my relationship with my husband of 21 years and the way I parented our only child, and how it even affected her.

It's a terrible feeling. I keep reliving that incident over and over. I've been crying on and off all day and when I try to explain why, I just can't.

Anyway, thanks for saying everything you said, and thank you to all the other commenters. I empathize 100%. And yes, I will be seeking counseling after the weekend.
LW