General Discussion

davsand

(13,446 posts)

5. My mom wants to leave the nursing home before Christmas.

Sun Dec 9, 2018, 02:06 PM

Dec 2018

She's turning 89 next month. We spent Thanksgiving in the hospital with her. She's determined to stay in her house--she says she wants to age in place--but it's a very scary proposition to let her live without somebody there. She won't eat right, (she's diabetic) she has recurring infections that seem to turn into incredibly dangerous situations, and after this most recent go-round I'm not sure she's able to handle basic stuff like personal care unassisted. It's terrifying.

I've begged for help from social services and so far, they seem to have a bunch of lists and edicts but no actual help. I'm doing the best I can, and my brother is zero help in any of it. Last time he saw mom he pissed her off by telling her he's "too busy" to be here. It's a shit show, but this is no change from over ten years ago when dad was dying. He was"too busy" then. He's retired...

I bring this all up because something a lot of people don't realize about dealing with elderly parents is the huge amount of family drama that arises when siblings are not on the same page with each other. This stuff opens up all the old wounds, and it's at a time when the well being of somebody is on the line.

I'm not seeing any resolution to it, either.

Laura

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For Those of Us with Aging Parents, [View all] MineralMan Dec 2018 OP

I feel for you, and am glad your parents are in a safe place. Liberty Belle Dec 2018 #1

Unfortunately, I live in Minnesota and they're in California. MineralMan Dec 2018 #2

My mom is in a very similar situation as yours. yardwork Dec 2018 #22

I had a similar experience with my aging mom, Liberty Belle Ohiogal Dec 2018 #30

If I may mention True Blue American Dec 2018 #102

I'm sure they can be nasty. Ohiogal Dec 2018 #129

Sweet thoughts, nicely written, MM. Totally Tunsie Dec 2018 #3

Thanks. I know a lot of DUers are in similar situations. MineralMan Dec 2018 #4

My mom wants to leave the nursing home before Christmas. davsand Dec 2018 #5

Like all of us, our aged parents overestimate their abilities. MineralMan Dec 2018 #7

I think that aged people without cognitive impairment have a right.. LAS14 Dec 2018 #127

It's like being drafted TexasBushwhacker Dec 2018 #31

Absolutely! I've never doubted helping my mom. davsand Dec 2018 #66

These are big changes. Turbineguy Dec 2018 #6

My Mom is turning 91. She lives w/ family & believes it's her last Christmas. CousinIT Dec 2018 #8

My mom's memory is down to about 30 seconds these days. MineralMan Dec 2018 #10

I've been through this, too pandr32 Dec 2018 #9

Yes. Being mindful of the fact that they are still important MineralMan Dec 2018 #11

You sound like a good son pandr32 Dec 2018 #50

I try to be, but am always seeing ways that I could do better. MineralMan Dec 2018 #53

Sensible pandr32 Dec 2018 #70

A word of advice for anyone whose parents are contemplating assisted living. pnwmom Dec 2018 #12

That's a very good point. It's not an issue for my parents, however. MineralMan Dec 2018 #13

You would have more choices than VA if you have enough to pay for six months. pnwmom Dec 2018 #18

But you can only transition to Medicaid if you have spent down all the assets. Grasswire2 Dec 2018 #92

Right. But if the two of them were in assisted living, pnwmom Dec 2018 #94

That usually requires divorce. Hassin Bin Sober Dec 2018 #116

No, the separate spend-down provisions do not require divorce. pnwmom Dec 2018 #121

Hopefully if you do, it will be a VA nursing home like the one I work at Maru Kitteh Dec 2018 #119

That's wonderful. Thanks for what you do! MineralMan Dec 2018 #120

Good point and thank you for mentioning this. I'll remember this in my planning. Thanks again. NT SWBTATTReg Dec 2018 #15

My grandmother was lucky LeftInTX Dec 2018 #73

I took an early retirement and lived with my dad for roody Dec 2018 #87

It's likely some siblings will never understand. Some by choice, ignorance (willful or otherwise) Maru Kitteh Dec 2018 #122

Thanks for your story. It is a difficult one, that as you say, a lot of us are dealing w/, ... SWBTATTReg Dec 2018 #14

I wish you the best of possible outcomes. MineralMan Dec 2018 #16

I'm going through this too. Sending bright blessings to light your way. yardwork Dec 2018 #17

Ask and ye shall receive... Sunriser13 Dec 2018 #89

Thank you! yardwork Dec 2018 #130

I'm kind of glad my mom only made it Codeine Dec 2018 #19

It has only been in the last couple of years that my parents MineralMan Dec 2018 #24

I hear you. mindfulNJ Dec 2018 #20

Been there with my in-laws and more recently my dad. StarryNite Dec 2018 #21

Thanks very much. So far, I'm not facing losing them, quite yet. MineralMan Dec 2018 #25

My Mom is doing well at 80 ismnotwasm Dec 2018 #23

80-year olds often do pretty darned well. MineralMan Dec 2018 #27

I have a very good friend who is 94 ismnotwasm Dec 2018 #42

Yes. Once one is in the mid-90s, living is a challenge in itself. MineralMan Dec 2018 #46

It is not just our parents. This is what we will have to consider, at some point question everything Dec 2018 #26

Yes. We will all probably face this. MineralMan Dec 2018 #28

This is all very eye-opening and discouraging. colorado_ufo Dec 2018 #29

Stick with it. You don't have to decide anything just yet. MineralMan Dec 2018 #34

Thank you colorado_ufo Dec 2018 #35

This end of life business sucks big time. LisaL Dec 2018 #32

Yes. Everyone wants things to continue as they are. MineralMan Dec 2018 #36

The problem is, once dementia kicks in, there ain't no convincing the elderly. LisaL Dec 2018 #38

That's for sure karin_sj Dec 2018 #101

My circumstances hibbing Dec 2018 #33

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. MineralMan Dec 2018 #37

Amen SallyHemmings Dec 2018 #39

Yes, assisted living is so expensive. LisaL Dec 2018 #40

That's a real issue for most people. MineralMan Dec 2018 #43

Long Term Care Insurance SallyHemmings Dec 2018 #44

Yes. I have one such policy PoindexterOglethorpe Dec 2018 #55

It is a gift to your family too SallyHemmings Dec 2018 #56

Yes, it is. PoindexterOglethorpe Dec 2018 #63

Never heard of it. Where does one get it, how old do you have to be, and how expensive is it? LisaL Dec 2018 #82

Depends on your state or Commonwealth SallyHemmings Dec 2018 #84

Double that in California demosincebirth Dec 2018 #98

Many of us are in similar situations. It's good to have a thread MineralMan Dec 2018 #41

There, there. LisaL Dec 2018 #45

Yes, indeed! MineralMan Dec 2018 #47

Thanks for sharing SallyHemmings Dec 2018 #48

Real problems justify concern. We're all concerned MineralMan Dec 2018 #49

Count me and wife in the group Dave in VA Dec 2018 #51

I know that many here are dealing with those issues. MineralMan Dec 2018 #54

"This end of life business sucks, pretty much." Hortensis Dec 2018 #52

I just got off my daily call with my parents. MineralMan Dec 2018 #57

You make it easy to imagine being him, or at least Hortensis Dec 2018 #80

Echoes of my own life Boomer Dec 2018 #103

Your father misses his home of many years. FuzzyRabbit Dec 2018 #58

Yes, he does. However, it's a farm and his frustration at not MineralMan Dec 2018 #59

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. It's a real dilemma. TygrBright Dec 2018 #60

It's good that you're recognizing and planning for your own future MineralMan Dec 2018 #64

I find stories like this so frustrating and discouraging. PoindexterOglethorpe Dec 2018 #61

I agree. My wife and I talk about that fairly often. MineralMan Dec 2018 #67

Sort of a Golden Girls thing, right? PoindexterOglethorpe Dec 2018 #74

Hell...We ARE the older generation now. MineralMan Dec 2018 #76

Sounds like you've thought this through. PoindexterOglethorpe Dec 2018 #79

It's hard to see them get frail study war no more Dec 2018 #62

Welcome to DU, study war no more. calimary Dec 2018 #104

August 8th is when my world stopped. Lifelong Protester Dec 2018 #65

I'm sorry to hear that, and hope you can find MineralMan Dec 2018 #68

I feel for you and anyone who has to take charge of elderly parents LeftInTX Dec 2018 #69

This is so sad for me to read...I took early retirement HipChick Dec 2018 #71

All of us have our own stories about this. MineralMan Dec 2018 #75

This is my first Christmas ever without my mother Jarqui Dec 2018 #72

We're in the same canoe, MineralMan PJMcK Dec 2018 #77

I spent seven years taking care of my parents. Dem2theMax Dec 2018 #78

We had my parents in a retirement residence. We wanted to keep them applegrove Dec 2018 #81

comments on "it's hard" NJCher Dec 2018 #83

The blessed moments that may still occur lostnfound Dec 2018 #85

I don't feel alone reading this marlakay Dec 2018 #86

I know the feeling about stubborn mothers. blueinredohio Dec 2018 #93

I had that revelation about my mom's last Christmas last year. nini Dec 2018 #88

My maternal Grandma lived at her home until about 4 months before her passing 47of74 Dec 2018 #112

It's a strange feeling isn't it nini Dec 2018 #123

My father was, contrary to ALL expectations, in care for a few years. BobTheSubgenius Dec 2018 #90

When I say "didn't really slow him down..." BobTheSubgenius Dec 2018 #91

I AM the "aging parent", and it DOES suck SoCalDem Dec 2018 #95

They are so fortunate to have each other at 94. LibDemAlways Dec 2018 #96

Sacred duty. jeffreyi Dec 2018 #97

Wow! 94! My dad passed away when I was 27. :( Loved the guy a lot, too. Still miss him. C Moon Dec 2018 #99

It sounds as though you have wonderful parents GeoWilliam750 Dec 2018 #100

My grandparents are 92 and 89, and my uncle lives with them. He moved Luciferous Dec 2018 #105

I hope to make the move before it becomes necessary spinbaby Dec 2018 #106

Thanks to everyone for all the good wishes and comments! MineralMan Dec 2018 #107

Yes it sure does samplegirl Dec 2018 #108

My grandpa was very resistant to moving 47of74 Dec 2018 #109

There is an adjustment that has to be made in that move. MineralMan Dec 2018 #110

I understand what it is like. Dem_4_Life Dec 2018 #111

You have no idea how bad it can get extvbroadcaster Dec 2018 #113

I'm sorry you had that experience. MineralMan Dec 2018 #115

I commiserate, MM peggysue2 Dec 2018 #114

Another K and R to show support KentuckyWoman Dec 2018 #117

Thanks so much! MineralMan Dec 2018 #118

Well said, MM. I live with my 91 yr old mother. cry baby Dec 2018 #124

Thanks. Sometimes it takes stepping outside and MineralMan Dec 2018 #125

I sure understand! My mom refuses to get hearing aids. cry baby Dec 2018 #126

OMG do i relate!! add in: crazy siblings accusing me of slapping my 94 yr old dad.. samnsara Dec 2018 #128