Justin Fairfax is not being Franken'd

[Ms. Toad]

164. You are twisting my words. I never said she shouldn't avail herself of the court process.

I said she, alone, has the right to choose whether to - or not.

Your analogies are inept - suggesting that you have not sat in a courtroom through any rape trials.

Disclosing anstatement prepared in advance, about which you will entertain no questions is very different than sitting in a courtroom with your rapist a few feet away being asked to repeatedly describe minute details of the encounter. Which hand did he grab you with, was his penis sticking out of his zipper? How far? Was he circumcised or not? did it have any other unusual characteristics? Did he have an orgasm? Did you have an orgasm? How long was his penis? Exactly how did he insert it into your mouth? How long did the sex act take? Did you kiss afterwards? etc.

Choosing not to file a police report has nothing to do with fragility. It has to do with emotional health and with making choices about how much control she will cede to justin Fairfax. Every bit of aftermath from rape is a direct consequence of the rapist wresting control from her. Part of healing is taking control back - and that includes controlling the story.

Personally - my rapist still controls my telephone use, occasionally where I sit in restaurants, and my weight. The first as a result of telephone harassment for months after the rape - I use telephones as little as possible; my spouse makes all of the calls for the family; the second - I don't like to have my back exposed so I'm picky about where I sit in restaurants; finally - for years I unconsciously ate myself into an unattractive blob of a woman to avoid being perceived as an object of sexual attraction. Because it was 2 decades before I recotnized the connection, I now struggle with eating habits designed to maintain my armor of fat. He doesn't, however, control my movement (unlike many women raped by a stranger in a street attack, the streets are mine, any time, any day), or speaking out about being raped.

But those are my choices - and every rape survivor must make their own choices of what is healthy or healing for them. Choosing when, where, and how to tell her story - and respecting her choices - are not infantilizing - it is empowering her to choose what is best for her. That may, or may not, match up with what you think is best for her, or for Fairfax, or for Virginia - but it doesn't really matter. What matters is that the survivor controls what she is - or is not - willing todo vis-a-vis the public.