A father's last words...

[JudyM]

21. Siwsan, I've kept this post of yours open in a tab for months.

Shared experience.

My dad passed away last May. He also lost his ability to speak while I was taking a couple of weeks to deal with post-hurricane damage at my home a few hundred miles away, after having stayed with him and my mom to help for the prior 2 1/2 months. Suddenly the doctor changed the prognosis from “weeks to months” to “days to weeks” and I grabbed a plane back that night. (The last time I’d been with him when he could speak in sentences he was reflecting that he’d had fun every day of his life. I’m not too sure about that, but that’s how he felt then, grateful.)

I had just a couple of days with him before the doctor said “hours to days.” That night I got close to him, arms linked and holding hands, and shared with him some of the warmest memories I had of him, and things I always had loved and appreciated about him. Though he was a bit out of it and couldn’t say anything, he gently squeezed my hand at a couple of emotionally meaningful parts. My mother and I spent the rest of that evening, until around 2AM, on his bed singing favorite songs and laughing together, yeah he was laughing and being weakly playful. Though he couldn’t speak except for a random word or two (or sing) he would intermittently vocalize at the high points of our songs, like part of a wolf pack.

At one point late that evening he was holding my hand as I sat near him, talking, on the bed... he looked intently at me at one point, speaking garbled sounds... I asked him to repeat, and we still had no idea what he was trying to say. He tried one more time, then, seeing I didn’t understand, he slowly, weakly raised my hand, and tried to lift it to his lips to kiss it. I moved closer and made it easier for him and he could barely even manage to do anything except very lightly, centimeter by centimeter in slow motion, press his lips to it. A couple minutes later he made the effort again. I would love to have been able to understand his words but I guess/imagine they were probably not far off from the meaning of the hand kiss.

I slept at the hospital and he passed away early the next morning, seemingly sleeping as my mom and I were talking softly together in the room, including about how, somehow even in the situation, the evening had felt like a party, and we wanted to let him sleep in after our late night... of fun. I hope he heard us saying that that morning.

I will always treasure the memory of that real last effort/action of affection of his kissing my hand.

♥️ ♥️ To the sweetness of my our dads’ hand kisses ♥️ ♥️