Trump Refuses to Ramp Up Testing Because of His Hatred of Ramps [View all]
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is refusing to ramp up testing because of his deep-seated hatred of ramps, White House sources have revealed.
According to several sources, Trump’s enmity toward ramps reached a fever pitch after his notorious visit to West Point, earlier this month, which took any talk at the White House of ramping up anything totally off the table.
Eyewitnesses say that it was shortly after that visit that Jared Kushner, seemingly unaware of Trump’s newly inflamed feud with ramps, suggested in a White House meeting, “Do you think we should ramp up testing?,” only to receive a chilly reply from Trump.
“Never say that word again,” he reportedly snapped.
“Testing?” Kushner asked.
“Ramp, you idiot,” Trump thundered.
While White House staffers have been scrambling in recent days to find synonyms for “ramp up,” including “accelerate,” “increase,” and “do more of,” they have become suddenly aware of other words they must avoid while speaking to Trump, including “drink,” “glass,” and “water.”
Short article, no more at link: 
https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-refuses-to-ramp-up-testing-because-of-his-hatred-of-ramps
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