Alfalfa Male [View all]

[H2O Man]

The very idea of the republican party nominating Willard “Mitt” Romney as its presidential candidate seemed unlikely in 2008. In part, this was because he was a Mormon; equally important, Willard had a reptilian personality disorder, which resulted in the other ‘08 primary candidates shunning him. The book “Game Change” goes so far as to take the reader on a journey into a “men’s room” for details of the anti-Mitt feelings of those republicans.

So, what happened? What changed in the past four years? There are many theories that attempt to explain how Willard Romney became the poster boy for the party of the economic elite. Because none seem to capture the entire unreality of this situation, I decided to try my hand at it.

I do not believe that Mitt is a Mormon. Maybe he used to be. I could only speculate on that. And I’m not looking to poke fun of any religion. I’ve had friends and co-workers who were Mormons, and if any presidential candidate truly exhibited the goodness of their spiritual belief system, I am certain the republican party’s leaders would reject that candidate outright.

Rather, Mitt worships the dollar. Money is his god. Hence, his ability in 2012 to identify enough common ground with the republican elders (aka “good ‘ole boys”) to be picked for their candidate. For Mitt so loves money that his highest ideals are found in his investing money in a manner that avoids his paying taxes.

The thought of what sequence that digits are in on various bank accounts defines his heaven. And, like the republican cult of leadership, he displays the same hatred and contempt for the middle class and poor, that religious fanatics have for those they label as “unbelievers” and “unsaved.”

As a semi-historian and pseudo-theologian, I’ve noticed that the Gospel of Willard leaves out information on a transformational period between 2008 and 2012. I have evidence -- or at least a suspicion -- that during that period of time, republican anti-climate change scientists from the Monsanto Company conducted a series of operations on Romney. Their goal was to induce a Genetically Modified Mitt, that would look and sound similar to Ronald Reagan.

However, despite Willard’s limited ability to ape the Gipper in the controlled environments of labs and clinics in Los Paranoia, once released in public, the Modified Mitt mutated. No longer the “Roundup Ready” genetically modified former plant known as alfalfa, the republicans had a Monster Mitt on their hands -- and, indeed, the post-convention Romney has been the stuff of science fiction horror movies for their party.

Monster Mitt -- the Alfalfa Male of the Republican Party -- can hardly be trusted to speak for two minutes without saying something that disqualifies him from not only being taken seriously, but from being mistaken for a human being. Thus, the monster continues to do the only thing it has been programmed to do: fund-raising. Though he already has far more money than any candidate can actually use, he continues to demand more. The republican elders, like all members of the cult of dollars, are likewise addicted to money. So they continue down that same path. It would be tragic, if it weren’t so darned funny.