More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Memorial Day 2021 Edition [View all]

[Fritz67]

Last edited Sat May 29, 2021, 05:09 PM - Edit history (1)

This Monday is Memorial Day, a holiday dedicated to honoring and mourning the military personnel who have died in the performance of their military duties while serving in the United States Armed Forces. Both my Grandfathers served in World War 2 (on the Antifa side, of course) and one of my uncles served during the Vietnam War, though my uncle didn't see combat and all three returned home alive. So yeah, when certain alleged "pro-military" Former Guy called them and everyone else who served "losers and suckers" I kinda took it a bit personally despite never having served myself.

Anyway, as we celebrate this weekend with solemn observances, cookouts, the Indy 500, and mattress sales, howabout time for another look into the kind of mentality (if it can be called that) that supported that particular Loser and Sucker's reign of incompetence.

(No. 49 in an occasional series)

Reposts and Updates:

On the list more often than not...
* Degenerate Perverts Unfit For Public Life: Joe Biden, Cal Cunningham, John Conyers, Andrew Cuomo, John Edwards, Al Franken, Katie Hill, Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener; Great Americans Who Believe In Family Values And Deserve A "Mulligan" or Two Or Three: Joe Barton, Jayson Boebert, Anthony Bouchard (NEW!), Herman Cain, Tucker Carlson, Madison Cawthorn,Larry Craig, Steve DesJarlais, Bobby Dyer, Joe Fain, Jerry Falwell Jr, Mark Foley, Matt Gaetz (NEW!), Will Gardner, Ben Gibson, Newt Gingrich, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Eric Greitens, Rudy Giuliani, Sean Hannity, Curtis Hill, Duncan Hunter, Jeff Jansen (NEW!), Jim Jordan, Brett Kavanaugh, Nathan Larson, Rush Limbaugh, Vance McAllister, John Merrill (NEW!), Roy Moore, Bill O'Reilly, Charles Peruto (NEW!), Rick Roeber (NEW!), Chad Micheal Salsman(NEW!), Bill Sanderson, Mark Sanford, David Stringer, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, Ruben Verastigui (NEW!), David Vitter, Aaron von Ehlinger (NEW), and Steve Wynn (#32, Feb. 2018)

* You think mail-in voting is dangerous and potentially fraudulent except when you do it. (#44, July 2020)

* People making $400,000 a year are poor. (#46, Oct 2020)
As SHRED pointed out, that makes $33,333 a month. Shut up, you're rich, asshole.

And one for recently deceased Watergate burglar G Gordon Liddy (Brain Bleach Warning):
* Offensive: Football players not saluting the flag Not offensive: A Watergate burglar in a flag Speedo (#21, Dec 2015)

* You attack "cancel culture" while wanting to cancel NASCAR, the NFL, Coca-Cola, Major League Baseball, and blue state vacations. (#47, Feb 2021)

* There's nothing wrong with fourteen year olds getting married. (#37, March 2019)

* You condemn Liz Cheney for voting to impeach Donald Trump, but not Marjorie Taylor Greene for saying a space laser caused the 2018 wildfires in California, the Parkland and Sandy Hook massacres were fake, and 9/11 was an inside job. (#48, March 2021)

* You supported the Discouraging Frivolous Law Suits Act. You also support Devin Nunes suing Twitter for a quarter billion dollars because other users there make fun of him. (#38, April 2019)

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* You don't need to make slavery illegal.

* Make rich people pay more taxes by lowering their tax rate.

And undoubtedly his next bits of wit and wisdom will be "Use gasoline to put out fires" and "Leaving the windows down and the doors unlocked will keep your car from being stolen".

* Diabetes makes you racist.

Hah hah hah hah hah no. No it doesn't, asshole. I speak from personal experience.

* You were obsessed with Benghazi for four years, but are sick of hearing about the January 6th insurrection two months later.

* Car dealerships are a necessary requirement for Statehood.

* More new crimes: Knocking On A Door While Black; Having a Seizure While Black.

* Ridiculous conspiracy theory: climate change. Credible conspiracy theory: Jewish space lizards with orbital lasers are molesting our kids.

* Raising taxes on the rich is "cruel and heartless"; throwing kids in cages is not.

* Corporations should stay out of politics. Exceptions: Chik-Fil-A, Hobby Lobby, My Pillow, and anybody who wants to write big campaign donation checks to Republican candidates.

* "Family Values": Sending nude photos of women to your coworkers and supporting revenge porn.

* You get legal advice from Buzz Lightyear.

* Meghan Markle murdered Prince Philip.

* If you co-operate with the police they won't shoot you.

* Beer is made of meat.

* Wanting to keep your child from catching and/or spreading a deadly disease is the same thing as child abuse.

* There was a good side to slavery.

* You should be able to fire someone for being vaccinated against a deadly pandemic. But not for refusing to be vaccinated against a deadly pandemic.

* The Bourne Identity was a documentary.

* Nobody needs to sleep.

* You hide, barricade the door, and scream in fear during "routine tourist visits".

* You must have a valid ID to exercise your Constitutional right to vote, but requiring proof of vaccination during a pandemic that has killed six hundred thousand Americans so far is a "privacy violation".

* You supported ten investigations into the 2012 attack on the US Consulate in Benghazi, Libya, but do not support investigating the attack on Washington DC THAT TRIED TO KILL YOU!!!! and maybe your brother!!!!

* You're a patriotic, pro-military (but never served) Republican who calls our soldiers "woke" and "emasculated".
I'd like to see Cancun Cruz last ten minutes with one of those "emasculated" Marine drill sergeants. Better yet, a woman Marine drill sergeant. For bonus points, Ted, call them a "loser" and a "sucker" while you're at it.

* You would rather support a statutory rapist than someone who was insufficiently obsequious to Donald Trump.

* Criticizing Israel's treatment of Palestinians is anti-Semitic. Calling Jews evil, blood-drinking monsters with space lasers who want to replace whites with inferior brown people is not anti-Semitic.

* Not okay: Football players kneeling to protest police brutality. Okay: Football players cheating to win.

* The January 6th insurrection was a false flag operation from the Left, but you don't want it investigated.