Manufacturer of Lysol changes label in response to leaked Alito decision [View all]

[jmowreader]

PARSIPPANY, N.J. (Spurious News Network) -- The right to abortion in the United States is under attack as never before.

On May 2, 2022, the website Politico published a draft copy of a Supreme Court decision that will overturn the landmark 1971 Roe v. Wade decision and allow states to ban abortions.

Today, the manufacturer of Lysol cleaning products has taken action to try to prevent its products from being used in illegal abortions.

"I was shocked when my assistant approached me," said John Jones, CEO of cleaning products manufacturer Reckett Benckiser. "She came to my desk and told me, 'Mr. Jones, we have got to stop people from trying to do Lysol abortions.'"

"The first thing I said to her was, 'what the hell are you talking about?' She explained and I was even more shocked. It turns out desperate women used to douche with Lysol to try to abort their pregnancies because cresol, an ingredient in the original formula that was removed from the product decades ago, could kill a fetus. It didn't work. It also injured or killed a lot of women who tried it. She even showed me ads the original manufacturer published in the 1930s recommending Lysol as a douche. Because abortion was illegal in the 1930s they couldn't advertise it for that purpose, but everyone knew what douching with Lysol was for. I agreed that we had to take action and called our legal and graphic design staffs in for an emergency meeting."

Beginning immediately, all Lysol products will bear this warning on the front label in large, bold type: "WARNING! In the 1930s Lysol products were used in illegal abortions. Lysol cannot abort a pregnancy. Lysol will injure or kill anyone who attempts to use it for an abortion. DO NOT try to use Lysol for abortion." Jones also said, "our printer has agreed to coat our labels with a product that repels ink and glue. If someone tries to mark the warning out with a Sharpie or put a sticker over the warning, it'll fall right off."

Jones also declared that Reckitt Benckiser will no longer donate money to the Republican party or any Republican politician. "If they're involved in anything that could drive women to try using our products for abortion, they will receive no contributions from us. We don't need tax cuts that damned bad and we sure don't need any regulations taken away."