Running Coach Analyzes Senator Josh Hawley's January 6 Sprint

[lastlib]

19. More:

Recommended adjustment: think about incorporating strides and speedwork into your routine, senator, along with not intentionally stoking a violent insurrection that requires you to escape at VO2 max without any warm-up routine.

Then, there’s his gear. A suit from Brooks Brothers’ We’re Totally Getting Away With It Collection hardly allows for the range of motion required when desperately fleeing the consequences of your own actions. I’d recommend a good pair of split shorts to allow for proper knee drive. A more technical, sweat-wicking fabric will come in handy next time you need to escape a horde of heavily armed militia members whose paranoia you’ve stoked for years. Merino wool is perfect for your sheep-like devotion to a minoritarian movement (plus, it’s naturally odor-blocking!).

Lastly, let’s talk footwear. Leather wingtips are perfect for trolling climate activists from your summer home on Martha’s Vineyard, but less effective for escaping the 4chan mob when they come knocking at your office. If you need to make a break for it down a marble hallway, I’d recommend a shoe with a rubber sole and more breathability.

For sure, it’s a bad look to be fleeing an insurrection that you caused. But if you’re going to do it, at least have the proper form and equipment on your side. The only fate worse than jail time for treason is plantar fasciitis.

God, that's funny! - - - - - - - - - - - -