My hubby & I made approx same salary for 17 years

[panAmerican]

50. My hugs and prayers to you... but take the door of opportunity

At first I thought you said you were laid of in October of 2011 - upon re-reading I see it was October 11. In the short time since, it seems that you accomplished two important things: you radically reduced expenses, and applied relentlessly for new jobs.

Giving you an ultimatum so soon after a jarring event is not fair at all, even if he is scared of what the future holds. He's the man, and he has to buck up and support you through this...and I say this as a woman who far out-earns her hubby.

The fact that you haven't fought this badly in a long time is not necessarily a good thing. Some people are very passive and avoid confrontation, because it's scarier than dealing with the problems. Therefore when the stress comes out, it's super, super ugly.

Take the new job, if offered, and rent a room nearby. Live there during the workweek, or permanently if your husband continues to be obstinate. A lot of people do this, so don't let the idea scare you. At the very least, it will give you some emotional distance and perspective about his attitude, and help you thoughtfully evaluate how you want to move forward.