Breaking: Trump chooses EPA secretary [View all]

[jmowreader]

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- President-for-Life Elect Donald Trump, who has decided to remake the government in his own image, has selected Don Blankenship as his Secretary of Environmental Protection.

Mr. Blankenship, a Kentucky native, is most famous as CEO of Massey Energy, a coal company that on April 5, 2010, killed 29 of its employees in an underground mine explosion. In the aftermath of the explosion Mr. Blankenship received and served a one-year prison sentence.

"President Trump believes in coal," said a Trump spokesperson. "Coal is an all-American energy source, and with Secretary Blankenship at the helm any regulations preventing its use will be repealed."

"While President Trump may believe in coal," said Lynn Good, CEO of North Carolina electric utility Duke Energy, "we in the electric utility business sure the hell don't anymore. Duke Energy currently produces about a quarter of its total load from coal and we're replacing that capacity as quickly as we can. Coal is currently the most expensive form of electric generation. We're transitioning from expensive, dirty coal to cheaper, cleaner natural gas, nuclear and renewable energy. Getting rid of coal is not only good for electricity producers but customers and the environment."

In addition to promoting coal for electrical generation, Blankenship also plans to convert the United States Navy's ships from diesel fuel to coal. The Navy isn't impressed. According to Admiral Lisa Franchetti, Chief of Naval Operations and the top admiral in the Navy, "there's no way we can do that. None of the ships we currently have in the fleet will run on coal. The last ship in the Navy to be commissioned with coal-fired boilers was the USS Texas, which entered the fleet in 1914 and was converted to bunker oil in 1923. There are only twelve non-nuclear ships in the current Navy fleet that use steam boilers, and they're all diesel-fired. It would cost billions to change them over to coal and if we did we'd have to figure out somewhere to store the coal. Converting the Navy to coal power is impossible."

Jakada Imani, chair of the Greenpeace Inc. board of directors, is confused. "If Mr. Trump is so in love with coal," he said, "why doesn't he heat any of his own buildings with it? It may be that he doesn't want any of that filthy crap anywhere around him...so why does he want to burden everyone else with it?"