Spurious News: Army rebuffs Trump's Biden funeral plans [View all]
THE PENTAGON (Spurious News Network) -- President Joe Biden, who served with distinction from 2021 to 2025, was recently diagnosed with what his doctors are calling an "aggressive" case of metastatic prostate cancer.
King Donald Trump, who despises every Democrat who ever served as president, quickly announced his plans for President Biden's upcoming funeral.
"No lowered flags for Sleepy Joe," King Donald announced in a post to his social media site. "No 21-gun salute. No lying in state. No parading soldiers. Not even a headstone. The worst president in American history, who abandoned billions of dollars in military equipment to the Taliban with his disastrous Afghanistan withdrawal, is going to be cremated and his ashes flushed down a toilet. I'm going to order all flags in the United States to be padlocked to the top of the flagpole so no traitor can possibly disobey my command and lower one to half-mast."
Major General Trevor J. Bredenkamp, commanding general of US Army Military District of Washington and Joint Task Force-National Capitol Region, quickly disputed King Donald's edict.
"President Biden isn't dead yet and could well recover from this cancer," said General Bredenkamp, "so this kind of talk is extremely premature and, frankly, immature. More to the point, it's an order we have no choice but to disobey. Chapter 7 of Army Regulation 600-25, Salutes, Honors and Courtesy, lays out extremely specific instructions as to how a Presidential funeral is to be conducted. They will be followed to the letter. It's the least we can do to honor his decades of service to our Nation."
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