Heavily Armed Officers Sub-Due DC Sandwich Thrower For Assault With Deli Weapon [View all]

[erronis]

https://www.wonkette.com/p/heavily-armed-officers-sub-due-dc
Gary Legum

Everyone by now has seen the video of the brave law enforcement officer serving in Donald Trump’s ridiculous militarized takeover of Washington DC, who took the force of a thrown sandwich to the chest and, despite what must have been indescribable pain and probably watering eyes from the overpowering scent of stone-ground dijon mustard, nonetheless joined half a dozen of his colleagues in chasing down the perpetrator, thus making the streets of our nation’s capital safe from the menace of flying lunchmeat.

Now the alleged perpetrator stars in another video, a mess of propaganda from the White House aimed at discouraging anyone who might get any funny ideas about testing the functional limits of Kevlar against a forcefully hurled hoagie.

The perp was a guy named Sean Dunn, who turned out to be a paralegal in the criminal division of the Justice Department. The police took him to DC Superior Court after arresting him on Sunday, only to release him without charges. Then on Wednesday, the local US Attorney’s office issued a warrant for his arrest on a federal felony charge of “forcibly assaulting, resisting or impeding a federal officer.” And also for staining the cop's body armor with condiments, those won’t just wash right out, the poor guy might have to buy one of those OxiClean pens before his next laundry day.

The full video shows just how incensed Dunn was at the fascists in the minutes before he went all DEFCON-1 with a salami sandwich.

Dunn’s lawyer told The Washington Post that she spent Wednesday trying to negotiate his surrender, but no one at the US Attorney’s office seemed to know who was in charge of the case, and no one could ask DC’s USA Jeanine Pirro because she was probably passed out under her desk with an empty bottle of Ripple.