Some home defense alternatives

[guardian]

17. A few more alternatives

Extreme flatulence: Eat cabbage and beans 3 times a day. Intruders that don't run away will be incapacitated. I can also rent out my dog at a reasonable fee. She doesn't eat cabbage or beans; but still manages to have tremendous gas.

Death cap mushrooms: invite the intruder to sit down then make them a nice dish of cream of mushroom soup.

Fugu: if death cap mushrooms are out of season whip up a batch of blowfish sushi and feed it to the intruder

Barry Manilow: have the song "Mandy" playing on an endless loop. Most boy band songs will work too.

Cellulite: Used to 'blind' intruders by causing them to avert their eyes. If so endowed just wear short shorts all the time. A 'muffin top' with low rider jeans works well too.

Trebuchet: keep one aimed at the front door or down the hall (note: must have high ceilings to employ)

Bobby pin snapper: a close contact weapon as it must be pressed it up against someone's skin it to release. Good if the
intruder gets past your trebuchet defense

Russian Poetry: read a few passages of Akhmatova or Tsvetaeva to the intruder. The intruder will quickly become depressed and open a vein on the spot.

1980s era cell phone: the old cell phones were about the size of a brick and weighed nearly as much...just throw at the intruder

Jump rope: in a pinch could be used to make an impromptu garrote

Bacardi 151 and roofies: offer the intruder a 'cocktail'. After they pass out call 911.

Cadavers: keep a dead body just inside the front door. Be sure to mutilate it a bit for added effect.