I no longer use antidepressants.

[hunter]

58. I think most people who get as depressed as I do simply kill themselves.

I'm lucky (or unlucky) enough to suffer OCD too so the last flickering remnant of my logical(?) mind always realizes I can't do all the FUCKING useless CRAP I NEED to do if I'm dead and decides being dead would be intolerable.

Unmedicated I suffer the worst possible nightmares, bordering on waking hallucinations. And then I don't sleep at all and everything gets much, much worse. I stop eating , get sick, lose crazy amounts of weight and turn into skeleton man haunting the library.

There's no way I can make lemonaide out of that shit, and I've tried.

I think with meds I can achieve sibelian's sort of existence, living in a dark world with some sort of functional sanity. But without meds I'm useless.

In past years I've quit meds and therapy against medical advice with all sorts of bad consequences and don't recommend it even though I'm doing that now (in a small way) because I didn't like a few side effects of my last trip on the pharmaceutical merry-go-round.

My New Year's resolution is to seek a place that's better than the one I'm currently existing in. I've been in such a place before, but never without meds...