General Discussion

slackmaster

(60,567 posts)

127. Cool story but it sounds fishy. Let me offer some advice on composition.

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 11:02 AM

Jan 2013

He was taken away and later my sister was told...

This kind of passive voice always detracts from a tale's credibility.

Next time try something like "The police arrested him" or "The police detained him and took him to a psychiatric hospital."

And "Later the detective who was investigating the case called my sister..."

Things don't just happen. People make them happen. A statement about an action always sounds more believable if it has an agent. Giving the name of the person provides the highest credibility because that makes it possible for someone to verify the story. Even a job title is better than nothing.

HTH

Edit history

Please sign in to view edit histories.

Recommendations

0 members have recommended this reply (displayed in chronological order):

173 replies

= new reply since forum marked as read

Highlight:

a guy broke into my sister's house [View all] salinen Jan 2013 OP

wow, i'm glad both you them are ok JI7 Jan 2013 #1

It happened a long time ago salinen Jan 2013 #2

It is obvious within s split second and often on sight that a person is mentally handicapped. alphafemale Jan 2013 #3

there have been many cases of people doing just that and ending up killing a family JI7 Jan 2013 #4

How many is "many"? Citations, please. realism101 Jan 2013 #13

There were two in the news that I recall this year Tab Jan 2013 #33

Yeah, that's a good one. realism101 Jan 2013 #71

Oh, and nobody can take a gun and do something as stupid? caseymoz Jan 2013 #99

How does a burglar dress? alcibiades_mystery Jan 2013 #151

Had something to do with his aunts house next door if I recall correctly. n/t A Simple Game Jan 2013 #85

I think the kid had been trying to B&E the aunt's house krispos42 Jan 2013 #94

Nearly happened to my friend on an almost nightly basis Lordquinton Jan 2013 #53

so he knew she would come home late and he still stood there with a gun pointing ? JI7 Jan 2013 #56

Post removed Post removed Jan 2013 #73

what makes you think she had much of a choice ? JI7 Jan 2013 #76

I guess it depends on how badly you want out of a situation. realism101 Jan 2013 #80

most likely she got the job first and moved based on that JI7 Jan 2013 #82

So, why don't you just make crap up and add to the story, realism101 Jan 2013 #88

your the one making assumptions about the women , calling them stupid JI7 Jan 2013 #90

She didn't know he was like that until it was too late Lordquinton Jan 2013 #98

Isn't it obvious she deliberately picked psycho and wanted to get gunned down? lunatica Jan 2013 #118

This message was self-deleted by its author slackmaster Jan 2013 #129

wtf? Did someone try to cut you hair with a gun? zinnisking Jan 2013 #160

Nice false equivalency you've got there Lordquinton Jan 2013 #172

Here is one... kracer20 Jan 2013 #125

Question for you, real: how "many" is "enough?" Left Brain Jan 2013 #157

and many that have had humbled_opinion Jan 2013 #149

I've heard people say salinen Jan 2013 #5

That is not true. nt RedCappedBandit Jan 2013 #52

Actually, that is the entire premise of the "Castle Doctrine" Not Me Jan 2013 #120

You're wrong Squaredeal Jan 2013 #123

Here is the Florida Castle Law verbatim Not Me Jan 2013 #126

You quoted the wrong parts. ManiacJoe Jan 2013 #162

I was responding to the idea that one can instantaneously recognize mental disability. nt RedCappedBandit Jan 2013 #164

It is true in any state that has the stand your ground law. lark Jan 2013 #147

Did you respond to the right post? RedCappedBandit Jan 2013 #163

People don't think rationally in such situations, unfortunately. Dash87 Jan 2013 #58

Some would. caseymoz Jan 2013 #95

Having worked with many mentally handicapped, it is not always obvious with in a split 1monster Jan 2013 #115

Post removed Post removed Jan 2013 #6

I'm glad this had a good ending for all. tosh Jan 2013 #7

Does the intruder have a place to stay right now or was he homeless? xoom Jan 2013 #8

He did have a place to stay salinen Jan 2013 #16

Why did she have her door unlocked in the middle of the night ? former-republican Jan 2013 #9

It happened a long time ago salinen Jan 2013 #14

I might have asked him while pointing my weapon at him... Coyote_Tan Jan 2013 #10

wow.....you sure are tough riverbendviewgal Jan 2013 #36

Lol. secondvariety Jan 2013 #50

Not a matter of tough... Coyote_Tan Jan 2013 #60

Yah - cartach Jan 2013 #72

Frequently. It's probably an occupational hazard. GoneOffShore Jan 2013 #87

Ever shot/killed anyone, Coyote..? Bigmack Jan 2013 #63

I've drawn upon and been drawn upon... Coyote_Tan Jan 2013 #97

Well.. you are special, aren't you...? Bigmack Jan 2013 #103

Deep breaths... Coyote_Tan Jan 2013 #109

Medications... Bigmack Jan 2013 #110

Care to be specific? Coyote_Tan Jan 2013 #111

Sure.. I'll play along for a while... Bigmack Jan 2013 #128

Check down thread ... Coyote_Tan Jan 2013 #131

"...no problem.... Bigmack Jan 2013 #154

Here ya go tough guy RandiFan1290 Jan 2013 #116

Already in, actively serving and prepping ... Coyote_Tan Jan 2013 #121

Just curious.... branch..? Outfit...? MOS...? nt Bigmack Jan 2013 #155

Branched Army... Coyote_Tan Jan 2013 #158

MOS...? nt Bigmack Jan 2013 #165

People like you make me proud to be an American lark Jan 2013 #148

Your sister is not very smart. realism101 Jan 2013 #11

She smarter than those running around shooting at whatever moves Lex Jan 2013 #12

Is she? realism101 Jan 2013 #20

Yes she is. Lex Jan 2013 #23

a potential murderer or rapist could be the guy at the party she goes to JI7 Jan 2013 #24

Bingo. geardaddy Jan 2013 #142

Welcome to DU! Robb Jan 2013 #26

so you are so very right...you don't have an kind of instinct sir? riverbendviewgal Jan 2013 #37

Right. 840high Jan 2013 #47

Wow, your post has me intrigued. Jenoch Jan 2013 #106

she sensed that he had a disablity and he was just making a sandwich JI7 Jan 2013 #15

She didn't know this until she confronted him. former-republican Jan 2013 #18

this happened years ago and when it was normal at least wherever she lived JI7 Jan 2013 #22

I grew up in a small town like that former-republican Jan 2013 #32

one time i got home and there was a strange guy in there JI7 Jan 2013 #42

Wow. realism101 Jan 2013 #81

does it matter ? not really a story, but just a moment that people like you JI7 Jan 2013 #86

No, it was a story. realism101 Jan 2013 #91

you have been wrong and made a lot of assumptions on this thread JI7 Jan 2013 #92

She's not salinen Jan 2013 #17

Excellent point. realism101 Jan 2013 #28

Sneak out? Jenoch Jan 2013 #108

People shoot family members in the home on a fairly regular basis Fumesucker Jan 2013 #21

You're up to 1 and it was from October. realism101 Jan 2013 #30

I spent all of five seconds looking Fumesucker Jan 2013 #31

Your first post... realism101 Jan 2013 #51

Jan 1, 2013 Fumesucker Jan 2013 #68

ZERO Relevance realism101 Jan 2013 #77

You don't get it. Speed8098 Jan 2013 #119

One is too many. And, it is more than one, despite what the frothing at the mouth NRAers want morningfog Jan 2013 #38

A retired Chicago police officer 'accidentally' shot and killed his son early Tuesday, Unknown Beatle Jan 2013 #55

Intentionally shot him by accident? OK? cartach Jan 2013 #75

She is smarter than you. Egalitarian Thug Jan 2013 #29

But, a gun in the house increases the risk that it will be used in a suicide or against the gun morningfog Jan 2013 #40

It sems this story might pre-date the 911 system, Jenoch Jan 2013 #105

Sometimes instints need to be acted upon Squaredeal Jan 2013 #124

This story just makes me sad for the guy. Butterbean Jan 2013 #19

I hope so also. Robb Jan 2013 #25

wow. glad she had the presence of mind to stay so cool. HiPointDem Jan 2013 #27

This message was self-deleted by its author riverbendviewgal Jan 2013 #34

pointless jqpublic Jan 2013 #35

Welcome, and which site do you and your pals delight us from? morningfog Jan 2013 #41

Sane folks are more worried about the tyranny of gun nuts malaise Jan 2013 #46

Nor are there any other specific guns mentioned. realism101 Jan 2013 #57

The same folks who decided that we needed a road code malaise Jan 2013 #65

Okay, since you pretended to swear, I've changed my whole position. realism101 Jan 2013 #70

Yes you have - but we can see that you are still posting HUA. GoneOffShore Jan 2013 #89

Actually, there are 0 guns mentioned jeff47 Jan 2013 #66

LOL SunSeeker Jan 2013 #78

Good Lord. secondvariety Jan 2013 #48

why is it a pointless anecdote. riverbendviewgal Jan 2013 #49

Hate that tough guy talk mokawanis Jan 2013 #79

Actually, we don't ... brett_jv Jan 2013 #139

In 'Life of Pi' early in the film, there is a scene where closeupready Jan 2013 #39

Wow malaise Jan 2013 #43

OMG, sounds to me that your sister has a cool arthritisR_US Jan 2013 #44

Wow, your sister was cool-headed in that situation mike dub Jan 2013 #45

this thread sure has attracted a lot of trolls JI7 Jan 2013 #54

Member since: Fri Jan 4, 2013 Electric Monk Jan 2013 #61

If by trolls, you mean realism101 Jan 2013 #64

Member since: Fri Jan 4, 2013? Yep, Member since: Fri Jan 4, 2013. Electric Monk Jan 2013 #67

Like flys salinen Jan 2013 #69

... Gidney N Cloyd Jan 2013 #93

Well you are here so that might be proof of what you are saying. n/t L0oniX Jan 2013 #133

Wow. Just wow. peacebird Jan 2013 #59

Just think what would have happened... ReRe Jan 2013 #62

I think most people are prudent about these sorts of things. aikoaiko Jan 2013 #74

You're right. liberalmuse Jan 2013 #83

Only in America kamron Jan 2013 #84

Sure is a lot of aggressive shit being thrown at people tonight. It's really too bad. NBachers Jan 2013 #96

As in the homes of most countries. dexter sinister Jan 2013 #100

To piss you salinen Jan 2013 #166

Oh. Well, I regret to inform you that it failed miserably to do that. It did make me giggle dexter sinister Jan 2013 #171

laugh again salinen Jan 2013 #173

In Denver, we lived in a fairly high crime area. mountain grammy Jan 2013 #101

I am a firm believer of dogs as a primary defense .... AnneD Jan 2013 #145

Outliers SleepingGiant Jan 2013 #102

skewed view of gun owners uncommonCents Jan 2013 #104

Wow, Blue_In_AK Jan 2013 #107

Like a moth to flames..... neverforget Jan 2013 #113

Low post count, attack the OP sellitman Jan 2013 #144

Spewing salinen Jan 2013 #167

Both the intruder and your sister.... ProudToBeBlueInRhody Jan 2013 #112

Wow! In this case the lack of a gun saved a life! DrewFlorida Jan 2013 #114

This thread has an enormous amount of recs and comments, so here is one more... reeds2012 Jan 2013 #117

Guns can kill anyone Squaredeal Jan 2013 #122

Cool story but it sounds fishy. Let me offer some advice on composition. slackmaster Jan 2013 #127

It's because salinen Jan 2013 #136

Thanks, and I apologize if my reply seemed overly flippant. slackmaster Jan 2013 #140

My son and another individual ran away from the facility where they live and broke into a home appleannie1 Jan 2013 #130

A guy broke into my sister's house ranger1 Jan 2013 #132

I hear about this all the time! OH WOE IS ME Jan 2013 #134

LOL former-republican Jan 2013 #135

Your type is obvious salinen Jan 2013 #168

Some folks pack JEB Jan 2013 #137

k&r Liberal_in_LA Jan 2013 #138

Cool story slutticus Jan 2013 #141

True story..... AnneD Jan 2013 #143

Another true story that happened to me frazzled Jan 2013 #146

Your sister is a very brave and moral person Taverner Jan 2013 #150

My mother was a single parent back in the late 1950's. Even THEN she always kept all the doors raccoon Jan 2013 #152

Good for her, but the correct response is to call 911 while directing ecstatic Jan 2013 #153

I grew up next door to the VA hospital Claybrains Jan 2013 #156

+1 Taverner Jan 2013 #170

You're right. And the homeowner who "shot first" would have suffered, too McCamy Taylor Jan 2013 #159

Wow I've hit Ignore alot on this thread redstatebluegirl Jan 2013 #161

Someone turned salinen Jan 2013 #169