My ongoing exposure to domestic violence

[kdmorris]

11. I was in your situation 20 years ago

I left, taking my 3 daughters - aged 5, 2 and 11 months - with me. I was a complete mess emotionally by the time I left and thought that I deserved it. I only left because he started doing the same thing to my 5 year old daughter. She spilled her milk one night and he picked her up by her upper arms and shook her, yelling at her and calling her a clumsy b*tch. He dropped her, kind of hard and told her to clean up the f*cking mess. What scared me the most was her reaction to it - she didn't cry or scream at what he was doing. She tried to make him happy and calm him down. She apologized for making him angry. I knew in that instant that she had learned that from me - that she had learned to be a victim. I got her our when she was 5, but she had life-long scars and low self-esteem that she still has at 25.

Your sons will learn that behavior from him and will one day treat a woman the way he treats you. It is not your fault and you do not deserve it. You need to be safe and your children need to be safe. He needs to go and you need to get counseling so that you can feel less worthless and less deserving of his abuse. You can't be responsible for his threats to harm himself. That's manipulating you because you are a good person, telling you that you are responsible for the way he treats you. It works because of the 8 years of mental and physical abuse you've suffered. If he will not leave, first chance you get - get your sons and get out yourself. Get a restraining order to have him removed and keep him away from you.

My ex-husband was also diagnosed with a personality disorder, but I came to realize that he used that as an excuse for beating me. If he needs to get help, he needs to do it for himself. YOU are not responsible and you don't have to accept the abuse because he's been diagnosed with a personality disorder. There are MANY people out there with personality disorders that do not beat, belittle, humiliate and control their spouses.

More than anything - best of luck to you. I sincerely hope that you find peace and safety no matter what you decide - and more than anything I hope that you get the help that you need to know in your heart that YOU are not worthless and you don't deserve this.

(by the way - my ex-husband said that if I left him, I would always be alone because no man would have a fat, ugly b*tch like me, especially with all those "f*cking girls" tagging along. 6 years after I left him, I married an amazing man who loved me and loved my daughters as if they were born to him (my ex-husband got no visitation). He allowed me to be free, trusts me and makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world - even though I'm currently 5 months pregnant with twins and look HUGE. Don't let you husband tell you that no one will ever want you...that's just him playing on your fears)