My ongoing exposure to domestic violence

[ljm2002]

70. I'm not going to lecture you...

...but I won't sugarcoat it either. You do need to get out of this situation, and you need to do it sooner rather than later.

The thing that finally made me get out of an abusive situation was knowing that if I did not, I was sending a message to my children that such behavior is acceptable. Sending that message will ensure that your children will be accepting of abuse and/or will engage in abuse themselves. So assuming you would survive the abuse to see them grow to adulthood, how will you feel if (when) you find out that one of your own is enduring such a relationship, or (possibly worse) being the abuser in such a relationship? If you leave, and don't ever accept that kind of action from anyone else, you will be teaching them to take care of themselves better and to be better, more loving people.

You and the boys should also get family counseling once you have left, not just to deal with the trauma of divorce but more to deal with the scars from the abusive family environment.

You should know that he will abuse the boys too if he has not already. Until one of them is big enough to strike back. Then who knows what hell will transpire.

I know there are hundreds of seemingly good, rational reasons why you can't leave right now. There's the fact that it's your house, not his, so why should you be the one to leave? And how could you handle it financially? There's the fact that you still love some part of him, and hope he'll get better. There's the fact that right now is a bad time because (fill in the blank).

Only you can make the decision of when and how to leave. The reason I think you are the one who should leave is that with his record of violence, and with him knowing where you live, you will never feel safe. We all know that restraining orders aren't worth anything when it comes to prevention, because all they do is allow you to have him jailed after the fact -- but by then it may be too late.

You say you have no friends. That is one of the classic elements of being trapped in an abusive situation: the abuser makes sure that their spouse is isolated. Reach out to someone at work, preferably another woman. Feel her out before letting out the details of what you're going through. Or call a hotline and talk to someone there. Don't use your cell phone since obviously your husband is monitoring you as much as he can. But do reach out until you have someone you can talk to in person. You do need support, and you do need to hear other people's stories so you know you are not alone in dealing with this kind of thing.

After that you need to really map it out in your head, in detail, how you are going to leave. If you don't have your own bank account, save a few dollars and open one without him knowing about it. Then one day when you have figured out exactly when you are moving, or exactly when you will get a restraining order and throw him out, have your work begin to direct deposit your paycheck into your own account.

The most dangerous time for a woman in this situation is right when you kick him out or move yourself. It's when the abuser feels wounded and wants to strike back. So if you do decide to stay in your house, maybe you should consider being away with the boys for a month or three, staying with family or friends. Look up old friends on Facebook if you need to (again, you may need to do this at work, if it's allowed to do a little browsing now and then -- you obviously cannot do it on your own computer or hubby will find out).

My heart goes out to you. Please know that you are not as helpless as you think you are. You can take action. It will not be instant, but the situation will NOT get better because he does not have any consequences for his behavior. It's that simple. You MUST find a way to change your situation and get out from under.

When you have gotten out, know that your boys will act out, and you will need help with that also. It will not be all roses. The effects of abuse linger, and divorce really is hard on kids, even when the alternative is worse. So be prepared to deal with more unpleasantness in your life, but know that you are doing the right thing, and set your own rules early on in your new life, and try to muster every parenting skill you've ever acquired.

Eventually, your boys will see what's what and who's who in their lives. You do need to talk to them about why you left (or kicked him out), but you don't need to belabor their father's faults. All will become evident to them without your needing to spell it out.

Finally: make it happen sooner rather than later. My biggest regret is how long I waited to act, because the divorce was much harder on my children than it would have been had I done it 5 years sooner.

Good luck and blessings to you.