Psychiatrists to brand grief lasting longer than two weeks a mental illness

[undeterred]

22. Grief is a social process

and the one thing our society does not have ways of doing is allowing people to grieve for an extended period of time. When someone dies, everyone tends to show up and express condolences for the first week or two, and then everyone becomes scarce. People even avoid the bereaved or treat them like they are fragile.

I had a friend who lost her husband. She had been married to him for a couple of years and lost him to cancer. It was her second marriage and it was a very happy marriage. For reasons I don't remember I missed going to the wake and funeral, but I called her to express condolences and then I invited her to go to dinner about two months after his death.

Well we ended up spending the entire evening together. She brought out all the pictures of them and she talked about him for hours. She didn't cry. She just talked and talked and I listened. I had been feeling guilty about not being there for the wake and the funeral, but then I realized that she really needed me right now just to sit and listen. And it wasn't hard at all. I don't think she even noticed who was there the first few days after he passed. And a few months out, she felt like people were avoiding her.

After that I often thought there should be a signup sheet at the wake or funeral. Instead of everybody expressing their condolences the first week.... everyone call the person and make sure someone is giving them a shoulder to cry on during that whole first year without them even asking for it. That is the way to have a healthy grieving experience.