For Robert, and the man who loved him ...

[HillWilliam]

26. Thank you Nance for your unwavering friendship and support

You wrote the blessing for our wedding. Funny, I was just re-reading it not a few days ago and had a warm, glowy smile on. We were still so much in love.

I managed to sleep for a couple of hours this evening before startling awake, realizing again I'm alone and I'm not supposed to be. Everything's wrong, it's not supposed to be like this. There's an energy missing and there's a hole in the atmosphere.

There's a hole in me.

Rob was a tall, tall man on earth. There was none the like of him anywhere else to be had. So many years I wandered the earth like Diogenes with a lamp, looking for one honest man. I alone was the lucky man who found, fell in love with, and was privileged to live beside one such for 17 wonderful years. He was a strong, strong Democrat, a champion of the weaker ones. Though he was disabled and his health had been failing the last couple of years, he never stopped fighting for people in worse shape than he was. He was the kind of man who would stop to assist elders on the road, even though he had to stand with a cane.

The angels got envious, I suppose, for they have him now and here I sit, chain smoking between fits of sobs and housecleaning.

As I said, I managed to sleep for a couple of hours, passing out from the exhaustion of sobbing through the evening in between pulling myself together to answer a slew of phone calls, negotiating arrangements with his divorced parents who don't get along (thanks Amendment One, NC, sigh). I awoke a few minutes ago with sobs again in disbelief that G'd would give me such a beautiful gift only to take it back so soon.

For a tiny space in my life my every emotional need was answered -- somebody *loved* me, just for me, just for existing. Nothing to prove, just to be me, somebody it was safe to love with all my heart, mind, strength and soul.

This morning, I looked into the future and saw future. Now I'm just terrified. Here I sit in a bigole house we bought together to fix up with seven rescued furkids. How can I finish this dream alone? My advisor, my rock, the better brain, the clever one is gone.

And what about him? Is his spirit safe? Is he comfortable? Is his pain eased? Will he wait for me until my time? He knows I have to stay until our last rescued furkid crosses the bridge and that's going to be a long while. (We just adopted a youngun less than a month ago, sigh...)

I worry most about his aide dog. She's curled up on his side of the bed and won't budge, hasn't eaten, hasn't moved since I got home. She knows. I don't know how she knows, but she knows. Those two were so devoted to each other. I'm afraid she's thinking about following him. She's twelve, retired, and tired. I poured much soul into her as a pup and she poured much into him keeping him interested and alive. Her focus (and mine) has left the building.

Somehow, strength always comes. Right now it looks a longdamnway out from here.

Again, thank you all for having our backs all along. The rush of love is keeping me going now.