Stop Telling Women How to Not Get Raped

[MrModerate]

113. Well, I went to college in the 70s . . .

And even back then, intensely horny college men knew that "no means no."

Did they always behave accordingly? Of course not. Their judgement, self-control, and moral selves were still under construction.

Did all (equally horny but more at risk from the consequences) women on campus know that they had the right to say "no" and be listened to? Not really. And that was sometimes tragic.

But they were learning, because the changes you point to were already well under way.

And — if we're going to talk about the single most common proximate cause of rape on the campuses I was on, alcohol — almost none of the kids I was being a kid with had figured out how to use it responsibly, or had sufficient understanding of how stupid it made them, or how likely it made them to do things that they knew were wrong but had lost their sensible inhibitions against doing.

As I look over the threads of this argument it seems that prudence has somehow gotten snarled up with blame, and I (and all the people I know well enough to gauge the opinions of) think they are quite distinct.

So I'm absolutely comfortable instructing my 19-year-old daughter to not invite people into her apartment that she doesn't know well enough; to not go to parties where she doesn't know anyone; and to not drink so much that she can't handle herself.

But questioning one's prudence ("Why did she go alone&quot isn't the same as saying "it's her fault." This thread tends to conflate the two, and my experience doesn't support that.

But would I blame her or consider her at fault if (god forbid) she was assaulted because she didn't take my advice? Of course not.

But that doesn't mean abandoning prudence is risk-free. It doesn't mean that there aren't bad people out there who will try to hurt you if they can. And it doesn't mean if you drink yourself silly you won't do something silly, like suggesting to a horny boy that you'd like to sleep with him -- until the moment, too late, that you realized you didn't.