Curious about marriage versus long-term partnership logic thoughts.

[Laelth]

73. Dr. Willard Harley describes three types of romantic relationships.

In relationships there are freeloaders, renters, and buyers, according to Harley. Each form of relationship has its own unstated premises and rules, and each kind can meet some of a person's emotional needs, but marriage, he argues, is a "buyer's agreement," and, just as we do with real estate and other property, we tend to value, nurture, cherish, and protect property we buy much more than property we rent or borrow.

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2332882

Ultimately, Harley recommends against shacking-up long term because people in those kinds of relationships set patterns and build habits that are not conducive to long-term happiness. Marriage, Harley says, is the way to go. It's a buyer's relationship, and in it one is promising to put the emotional well-being of one's partner first, as opposed to a renter's agreement in which our own happiness comes first and we are merely waiting to see whether our partner will live up to our expectations and make us happy. That, Harley suggests, is emotionally destructive.

Personally, I found this distinction quite useful. YMMV.

-Laelth


Edit:Laelth-misspelled author's name originally.