My 15 year old daughters reaction to "Laptop dad"

[frazzled]

146. I'm mystified

Forget the computer-shooting dad for a moment.

I'm trying very hard to imagine what I would have done had one of my kids (a daughter and a son) name-called my husband or myself on the Internet when they were teenagers. (There was no Facebook or Twitter when they were that age, though there certainly were ways to communicate on the Internet.)

And the last thing I would have done is take away their computer privileges. First, I would have been devastated to admit that I had invaded their privacy. Honestly, to read a child's diary (in those days) or Internet postings (today) is a horribly invasive thing to do. We do it sometimes, either by accident or out of curiosity. But I don't think we should ever reveal to them that we have done so or respond to something they have said (unless they are in real danger--vowing to commit suicide or something). Especially with a cold and calculated withdrawal of privileges.

Second, is it any surprise to anyone that their 15 year old daughter has called them a "bitch"? I'd wager that 75% of 15-year-old girls have said that, either to their friends or to their mother's face. Usually because that mother has said they can go to the party, but only if they've finished their World History term paper. I'd frankly worry about a teenager who hasn't lashed out with an "I hate you" at some point. Separating from the people you love (yes, the other fifty percent of the time they're telling you that you are the best parents in the world, when they're not saying they hate you, or telling their friends how ignorant and stupid you are) is hard.

Is there really any "danger" in a teen saying their parent is an ass or a bitch on the Internet? Will it really come back to haunt them? Saying they've gotten drunk or taken drugs might, but not calling their parents a name. If you're concerned about teens understanding their responsibilities and the dangers of the Internet, then have a conversation in general with them about it. Give hypothetical or real examples of things that could be dangerous.

But don't punish them for their feelings. Don't punish them for expressing their thoughts, no matter how hurtful those thoughts may be to you. In general, I think finding out your kids have let it be known they think you are awful is hardly something for which they should be punished.

I can understand getting angry in the moment. I remember my daughter at that age being so sassy and difficult that after one outburst of hers towards me I actually slapped her. The only time I ever hit any of my kids, ever. But I explained afterwards that I was frustrated and hurt, and that I'd lost my temper. I apologized. She did too. It was cathartic. We hugged. I can only imagine that if I'd stood there and simply said, "You are grounded for two months" that the feelings of her anger only would have festered and grown over time.

So in a way, even though I abhor guns and violence, I understand the gun dad's sudden outburst of frustration. I don't understand taking away computer privileges. The only time I would do that is if my child were spending so much time on it that their work was not getting done and their grades were suffering, or if they were doing something truly dangerous that could result in physical harm to themselves--not harm to their parents' egos.