Satire: "Zimmerman Hopes to Join Fox News after Acquittal" [View all]

[BainsBane]

Satire.

Fox: the home of GOP welfare stands ready to bankroll a killer.

SANFORD, Fla. – Accused murderer George Zimmerman—currently on trial for the 2012 killing of teenager Trayvon Martin—is reportedly “pretty sure” he’ll be acquitted of all charges, and has begun making plans for his life after the trial. According to sources, Zimmerman’s top priority is finding gainful employment, and the former neighborhood watchman believes his “particular talents would be very much at home on Fox News.”

“George has heard about Fox’s coverage of his ordeal,” said a source close to Zimmerman who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “They’ve been more—let’s call it understanding—of his predicament than the rest of the media, and he’s really appreciated all their support. Once he’s acquitted of these ridiculous charges, George thinks he’d be a great addition to the Fox News team. Nothing big—maybe he could host a weekend show, like Mike Huckabee.” . . . Fox News anchors and correspondents have zealously defended policies like Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law—which according to Zimmerman’s defense team justified their client’s actions—and Zimmerman reportedly hopes to be a “symbol of what’s possible when good-hearted people are given the freedom to stand up to thugs destroying our neighborhoods.” [thugs armed with Skittles].

According to his older brother Robert, Zimmerman believes that he possesses many qualities that make him perfect for television—like his “stunning good looks and impeccable posture”—and that his worldview will sync up well with the one aggressively promoted by Fox News personalities. “George knows better than anyone what it’s it like to be persecuted and oppressed by politically-correct minorities,” the elder Zimmerman said. “We think he’ll do nicely alongside such luminaries as Sean Hannity and Steve Doocy.”

Fox News executives are reportedly open to working with Zimmerman should he be acquitted, but a network insider granted anonymity to speak candidly told Newslo that they’re actually rooting for his conviction. “If Zimmerman’s found guilty, millions will tune in to watch our correspondents go ballistic with righteous indignation,” the Fox producer said. “If he gets life in prison, forget about it—it’ll be a goddamn ratings gold mine.”

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