Anthony Weiner's Sexts Aren't Depraved. They're Boring.

[Scootaloo]

10. As someone who has actually been paid to write smut, I agree!

“I turn you around and bend you over the back of a chair. Your pussy asking for it.”

George Lucas could write a better scene. And what the fuck, weiner, where is your "is"? Ironically your sext is missing a copula, and it makes it even dumber! I know most people have very dull sex, but come on! It's a fantasy! Fantasize! It's a phone, not a keyboard, it was designed to be used one-handed!

“Sadly my pics are out there to look at. Have you ever?” She had, and she was “quite impressed.”

Bro-tip... never preface a conversation about your crotch with the word "sadly" unless you're talking to your doctor about "performance issues." Also, there's a joke here about "low hanging fruit" that I have too much dignity to actually use.

“I must have cum thinking about you and looking at you 100 times. How does that make you feel? Gross?”

Same thing here. If you're confident enough to tell a lady you've masturbated to the thought of her enough times to father an entire Roman centuria, then don't suggest she should be grossed out by it. because that indicates you're grossed out by it. You made yourself sound like the creepy guy who rides the early train.

“Anthony Weiner has a shoe fetish, particularly heels.”

heels are not a shoe fetish. Softball cleats are a shoe fetish.

“would you let me hold your hair while you gagged on my cock?”

Seems to me that the last thing I'd ever want near my own dick is someone else's stomach acid and half-digested lunch. Hey, some people are into that I guess, but I can't relate in the least. I think the article is right - too much porn. And again from a writing perspective! If you're going to be "gagging" her on your cock, then you're not going to be "holding" her hair, you're going to be pulling, yanking, or some other active, harsh verb like that. Keep your tone consistent through the piece!

But hey, you know what? Maybe I'm too critical. E. L. James has made a mint by writing bad porn for people with a dull sense of sex. Maybe Weiner's future isn't politics after all. Just remember your "to be" tenses!