Welcome to DU! The truly grassroots left-of-center political community where regular people, not algorithms, drive the discussions and set the standards. Join the community: Create a free account Support DU (and get rid of ads!): Become a Star Member All Forums Issue Forums Culture Forums Alliance Forums Region Forums Support Forums Help & Search

Moonwalk

(2,322 posts)
32. I'm in an interracial marriage and my father refused to accept my husband for the first two years...
Wed Jul 24, 2013, 11:56 PM
Jul 2013

...of our marriage. So I know somewhat (most certainly not the same by a long run, but somewhat) about what it is like to be in such a situation. Let me say first, that I totally respect your decision go along with your husband in how he handles his family. However, I'd like to let you know what I decided in my circumstances, just to offer an alternate point of view. I was in your partner's shoes, and I decided from the moment I said "yes" to my husband's marriage proposal that if anyone in my family rejected him, they rejected me. We were a team, and they took both of us, or neither.

Which meant that I didn't speak to my father for two years, not until he learned to accept my husband. Of course, the irony was that it was my father who taught me to put my husband first. You see, he always put my mother first, was always with her through illnesses, was always on her side in public even if they argued in private.

I wanted a marriage like that.

Your husband's relatives have their own spouses. They clearly put them "first" in the pictures. My father put my mother first, and I respected that. And that is why I put my husband first. And refused to give anyone who disrespected him my respect. How you and your spouse handle your family is up to you--you both know what's best for yourselves and for what you want from that relationship. I would only tell you to remember that his grandparents and parents won't live forever. You are the one who is going to be (presumably) at his side into old age, always putting him first, as you did her on this occasion. And knowing him in a way that those who've known him all his life do not--and still don't and clearly don't want to.

In my book, that makes you all the family that really matters to him (and vice versa) or should matter (at least until you have kids.)

your a lot nicer than i would have been rdking647 Jul 2013 #1
Ah, but that just causes more pain for the only one I cared about.... DonRedwood Jul 2013 #4
he should have also told his family off rdking647 Jul 2013 #6
we went the "kill them with kindness" route instead DonRedwood Jul 2013 #19
Which appears to not have worked at all. dbackjon Jul 2013 #89
you don't know that. barbtries Jul 2013 #154
Yes it did. He showed dignity and grace while they showed ignorance and insensitivity. Squinch Jul 2013 #185
I am on your side on this one! :0) DonRedwood Jul 2013 #196
I don't know. Some of them seemed ashamed by it all. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #197
You're a beautiful person. Sarah Ibarruri Jul 2013 #204
That's exactly it, I think. Planting seeds. SO OFTEN I find that I long for a legitimately quick fix calimary Jul 2013 #221
I'm a fan of this approach. Voice for Peace Jul 2013 #124
How would that bring family closer together? Fearless Jul 2013 #71
Toxic families chervilant Jul 2013 #76
It was a first step for them... inviting me in the first place. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #90
Consider this - avebury Jul 2013 #135
Even if they don't change much, chervilant Jul 2013 #142
I think you are very, very wise. And patient. renate Jul 2013 #180
Sometimes it's important Fearless Jul 2013 #91
always important DonRedwood Jul 2013 #93
It gets easier Fearless Jul 2013 #95
No. A better way would have simply been to for Don and husband to simply 1monster Jul 2013 #132
Me too! Sarah Ibarruri Jul 2013 #203
I'm so sorry. TDale313 Jul 2013 #2
I believe we are stronger for it. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #24
imo you can photoshop a nice pic of yourself onto the family shot elehhhhna Jul 2013 #3
I love you. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #5
xox elehhhhna Jul 2013 #7
It is something I am quite good at myself. I'm the west coast off-spring of DonRedwood Jul 2013 #13
This message was self-deleted by its author prole_for_peace Jul 2013 #111
LOL! Is that what it is? pnwmom Jul 2013 #39
I'd rather be told the truth DonRedwood Jul 2013 #44
Sometimes I'll read that urban people in the Northwest or the Northeast pnwmom Jul 2013 #60
I think it is hard to make friends as an adult no matter where and no matter what DonRedwood Jul 2013 #66
I think with your general positive attitude and patience with people pnwmom Jul 2013 #68
My job is to get extremely angry people to calm down.... I do that every day DonRedwood Jul 2013 #96
Bless her heart, she could have married so much better, being so pretty, and all. tavalon Jul 2013 #78
LOL... I like this one: DonRedwood Jul 2013 #99
Sadly, this well worn craft comes out of female subjecation in the south tavalon Jul 2013 #117
I once had a Southern Belle from S. Carolina say to me: DonRedwood Jul 2013 #122
And never break a sweat, sadly. tavalon Jul 2013 #209
Yikes! n/t pnwmom Jul 2013 #127
Yup you can say anything you want about anyone prole_for_peace Jul 2013 #112
Better yet take your own Ravens.Ransom Jul 2013 #64
Hello Ravens! Welcome to DU, we are glad to have you here! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #100
Thanks for the welcome! Ravens.Ransom Jul 2013 #153
OMG LOL KentuckyWoman Jul 2013 #34
Welcome to DU Kentucky! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #41
Oh, that is a DELICIOUS idea!! emmadoggy Jul 2013 #162
But RavensRansom's idea is good too: for his Christmas card, send to his husband's family Squinch Jul 2013 #186
I missed that - I didn't get emmadoggy Jul 2013 #210
My family is lucky... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2013 #8
Maybe I'll be in the next one :0) DonRedwood Jul 2013 #16
Will do... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2013 #18
And that is why we are out and proud... DonRedwood Jul 2013 #25
You are a brave, courageous, and loving person csziggy Jul 2013 #9
The love makes you strong, that's all. If it was just me or my own family? DonRedwood Jul 2013 #26
Yet if you'd pointedly asked them about any of this stuff, Warpy Jul 2013 #10
that would rile them up! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #38
Oh, a little poshumous revenge can be sweet, indeed Warpy Jul 2013 #51
Yes, they always pretend they don't know what you're upset about. LuvNewcastle Jul 2013 #82
I'm sorry you and your husband were hurt... nessa Jul 2013 #11
Welcome to DU! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #45
I've been there. MinneapolisMatt Jul 2013 #12
Thanks Matt. I know the story is not new. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #14
You are an excellent writer. Number23 Jul 2013 #15
Very kind, thank you DonRedwood Jul 2013 #17
Sorry you two had to go through that. Arctic Dave Jul 2013 #20
I know! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #46
I agree... Unca Jim Jul 2013 #156
"confused about who is who"... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2013 #215
. libodem Jul 2013 #21
I really appreciate this post. I am sorry they were shitty to you and your husband arely staircase Jul 2013 #22
Thanks arely DonRedwood Jul 2013 #50
demonstrating love in the face of ignorance is good. No one can say you were 'one of them' roguevalley Jul 2013 #23
We feel like we did just that. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #57
How very cruel and thoughtless emsimon33 Jul 2013 #27
I'm not gay. My wife is not American. She is a Chinese national. We are heading home soon Nanjing to Seoul Jul 2013 #28
Take a deep breath DonRedwood Jul 2013 #35
"We fly out of this hell hole in 12 hours" was my mantra. "Stop hurting my husband" lunasun Jul 2013 #29
Oh no, I bought thank you cards today DonRedwood Jul 2013 #33
And fantastically well I might add! Fearless Jul 2013 #72
I agree that the way you handled this was super good! juajen Jul 2013 #87
Thank you. I felt it for the best as well though it hurt. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #101
K&R Jamastiene Jul 2013 #30
. KentuckyWoman Jul 2013 #31
I'm in an interracial marriage and my father refused to accept my husband for the first two years... Moonwalk Jul 2013 #32
I am glad to hear that things got better for you DonRedwood Jul 2013 #47
Sorry to post on this thread again... Unca Jim Jul 2013 #157
My mother in law didn't care for me, either... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2013 #216
Same thing for us. Rozlee Jul 2013 #205
My wife, bless her heart, comes from a family that, from the beginning, WCGreen Jul 2013 #36
Assholes are better than two faces in many aspects DonRedwood Jul 2013 #52
Thanks, DonRedwood. Have you ever thought about writing for other venues? pnwmom Jul 2013 #37
I've wondered if I should look for some sort of outlet for this type of essay style writing DonRedwood Jul 2013 #48
The family you discribe is my family dusty trails Jul 2013 #40
Hey dusty, a big welcome to DU! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #49
I am an atheist... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2013 #217
You're a class act, Don! Firebrand Gary Jul 2013 #42
Shhhhhhh...you'll ruin my reputation! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #67
Your a better man than me, I would not have done that. William769 Jul 2013 #43
You've met them all, you say? You have their addresses? MADem Jul 2013 #53
YOU, MADem, ARE TRULY EVIL DonRedwood Jul 2013 #54
The sweaters would rock the pic! BIG SMILES, too! MADem Jul 2013 #55
and we can hyphenate our names! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #56
You really should! MADem Jul 2013 #59
Ah, yes, we must have preprinted name labels. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #61
Great minds...! MADem Jul 2013 #62
The "He-Man Slime Pit" was also a fine gift. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #63
And you call me EVIL? I bow at the feet of the master!!!! MADem Jul 2013 #65
That was a good Christmas DonRedwood Jul 2013 #69
You two are cracking me up... 2theleft Jul 2013 #173
You torture by toys too?? DonRedwood Jul 2013 #198
I envy your stoicism LittleBlue Jul 2013 #58
Thank you for the kind words DonRedwood Jul 2013 #70
I heard a good saying the other day... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2013 #220
Sorry GlashFordan Jul 2013 #73
I got along great with the kids. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #102
You are absolutely correct in your approach Fearless Jul 2013 #74
Well said. -nt Bonx Jul 2013 #121
I'm so sorry, awful to be excluded from a family Raine Jul 2013 #75
this is so beautifully expressed, Don. I'd say I'm sorry, but you don't need that cali Jul 2013 #77
Thanks Cali DonRedwood Jul 2013 #105
I would be proud to have both of you in my family. idwiyo Jul 2013 #79
We can be DU family. GOd knows I turn to DU when I'm upset by society...that's gotta count for some DonRedwood Jul 2013 #123
To me 'family' has nothing to do with people I just happened to share some DNA with. idwiyo Jul 2013 #149
No matter what they do, Don HillWilliam Jul 2013 #80
Ah, Hill, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #106
my condolences to you HillWilliam shireen Jul 2013 #114
And a hug for Shireen for showing us DU's got a big heart. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #126
I'm sorry for your loss Tree-Hugger Jul 2013 #141
Thank you both very much HillWilliam Jul 2013 #146
Fuck them all. 6000eliot Jul 2013 #81
That's the thing though! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #107
You did the right thing. There may be no hope for those of your generation and older, rhett o rick Jul 2013 #152
The kids are getting there on their own. 6000eliot Jul 2013 #175
Reading stories like this makes me appreciate my family of misfits lumberjack_jeff Jul 2013 #83
Yes, I wish someone had done that for my partner. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #108
Is not right! mecherosegarden Jul 2013 #84
Wow, you're stronger than I could be LittleGirl Jul 2013 #85
This hurts my heart Tree-Hugger Jul 2013 #86
Hugs to you tree hugger DonRedwood Jul 2013 #110
I got angry reading that dbackjon Jul 2013 #88
there isn't anything worth gaining from those people to swallow that much shit datasuspect Jul 2013 #98
please read post #116 below :0) DonRedwood Jul 2013 #118
I am so sorry that you two are facing this! People are so damn stupid! hedgehog Jul 2013 #92
Whenever we're with my husband's family, we keep thinking "how much longer in this hellhole?" mountain grammy Jul 2013 #94
i had crazy psychotic drunk workingmen who fought in WW2 and vietnam datasuspect Jul 2013 #97
I have a feeling you are the person I'd want to talk to at the party DonRedwood Jul 2013 #136
You must have felt horrid. Boudica the Lyoness Jul 2013 #103
I'm very sorry to hear of your experience. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #113
ouch. renate Jul 2013 #181
Poignant, well-written. I'm glad I read it and I thank you. nt Bernardo de La Paz Jul 2013 #104
Nauseating. Infuriating. I cannot believe how gracefully you handled that. Butterbean Jul 2013 #109
Butterbean, no! Please don't get so mad, I would not want to be the cause of such anger DonRedwood Jul 2013 #116
Sigh. It's hard not to, and you and your dh are very strong people. Butterbean Jul 2013 #139
Abusive boyfriend? Fifth marriage? bobclark86 Jul 2013 #115
K&R!! cliffordu Jul 2013 #119
my hat's off to you... Momgonepostal Jul 2013 #120
I honestly don't know. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #134
Don, I think you and your partner did the right thing... kjackson227 Jul 2013 #125
Your OP brought tears to my eyes. Solidly hetero man here, but one who HardTimes99 Jul 2013 #128
You softee straight guys are my heroes. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #130
Well played, beautifully written. mia Jul 2013 #129
Don! That was a horrible experience! BUT, Auntie Bush Jul 2013 #131
At one point he decided to talk to his mother and I stopped him DonRedwood Jul 2013 #144
You found some typical red state monsters...they don't deserve a relationship with you Auntie Bush Jul 2013 #148
Some good suggestions on the thread treestar Jul 2013 #133
My partner and I did the same a few years ago FreeState Jul 2013 #137
:0) Now that was a story I needed to read! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #145
Families that dissapprove do that on purpose Aerows Jul 2013 #138
Great sentiment in a very well written story. grantcart Jul 2013 #140
I assume they are Christians, because you indicate closeupready Jul 2013 #143
You are a saint. And so is your husband. That family doesn't matthews Jul 2013 #147
I'm sorry it was so painful, a tiny little story from me today bluemarkers Jul 2013 #150
i love that! nice that he was being out. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #166
Don,you are fortunate indeed to have a love in your life Rain Mcloud Jul 2013 #151
you are most definitely a lot nicer, and far more patient, than I would have been. kudos to you niyad Jul 2013 #155
that is our new favorite saying! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #167
Your patience and tolerance are amazing. Tiredofthesame Jul 2013 #158
welcome to DU! renate Jul 2013 #182
I don't know how you did it I admire your ability to keep it together Arcanetrance Jul 2013 #159
Bravo! everyone needs a hero! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #168
"I've shown you the truth and now you must evaluate your lies." Beartracks Jul 2013 #160
Amazing OP, amazing thread Fumesucker Jul 2013 #161
cheers fumesucker DonRedwood Jul 2013 #169
I am so sorry. emmadoggy Jul 2013 #163
I love your attitude, Don. pacalo Jul 2013 #164
I've wept over some of the kind words from you all in response... DonRedwood Jul 2013 #170
A magic marker savebigbird Jul 2013 #165
First, thank you for sharing this. marym625 Jul 2013 #171
I mean no disrespect marym625 Jul 2013 #178
Welcome to DU, and don't worry! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #188
Congrats on making it through mythology Jul 2013 #172
Don, I love your posts... 2theleft Jul 2013 #174
Sweet Talker! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #189
That's awful, but you know what? Marr Jul 2013 #176
An inspiring story. Oakenshield Jul 2013 #177
v blkmusclmachine Jul 2013 #179
the family tree thing reminded me of Harry Potter and the family tree of Sirius Black dembotoz Jul 2013 #183
You did good. The 'family' is probably not aware of how their actions hurt sinkingfeeling Jul 2013 #184
stab in the back? RicROC Jul 2013 #187
Hello and welcome to DU! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #191
Wonderful. WilliamPitt Jul 2013 #190
I love this post rosesaylavee Jul 2013 #192
I wish you both were in my family. I'd show 'em how you are supposed to be treated... cynatnite Jul 2013 #193
Wow. HappyMe Jul 2013 #194
You are a good man... RetroLounge Jul 2013 #195
I am sorry you had to write this... Orsino Jul 2013 #199
OMG I do not even know you and I love you. oldandhappy Jul 2013 #200
I love you both. SalmonChantedEvening Jul 2013 #201
Much love to you and your husband. A beautiful response to a hurtful time....... PDJane Jul 2013 #202
.. ismnotwasm Jul 2013 #206
Best wishes to you and your spouse... Moostache Jul 2013 #207
Your story broke my heart AC_Mem Jul 2013 #208
you made me tear up. You and your husband are stronger than my husband and I are. We don't put up liberal_at_heart Jul 2013 #211
k&r Liberal_in_LA Jul 2013 #212
Was Aunt Sally at the reunion? Conium Jul 2013 #213
Wow. Ouch. Ouch. toby jo Jul 2013 #214
Message auto-removed Name removed Jul 2013 #218
Welcome to DU! Cooley Hurd Jul 2013 #219
wow. just wow blondie58 Jul 2013 #222
woa. just wow blondie58 Jul 2013 #223
Latest Discussions»General Discussion»It Was Like One Slap In M...»Reply #32