General Discussion

Fearless

(18,458 posts)

74. You are absolutely correct in your approach

Thu Jul 25, 2013, 03:47 AM

Jul 2013

Last edited Thu Jul 25, 2013, 08:59 PM - Edit history (1)

To yell or cause a scene givers them justification in their minds to dislike you. By giving them no reason to dislike you, you disarm them. People can only stick to preconceived notions so long in the face of contrary evidence. Right now... or perhaps previously as they give you the time of day at least now... they see first every scary story about the gays they've learned and don't see you the real person. If you don't give them reason to demonize you, most eventually are compelled to see reason. It sounds like currently you are being tolerated. Perhaps soon you'll begin to find acceptance. Best of luck! I've been in the same boat before and it is the only happily ever after solution I know of.

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It Was Like One Slap In My Face After Another... Gay Husbands Go To Red America. [View all] DonRedwood Jul 2013 OP

your a lot nicer than i would have been rdking647 Jul 2013 #1

Ah, but that just causes more pain for the only one I cared about.... DonRedwood Jul 2013 #4

he should have also told his family off rdking647 Jul 2013 #6

we went the "kill them with kindness" route instead DonRedwood Jul 2013 #19

Which appears to not have worked at all. dbackjon Jul 2013 #89

you don't know that. barbtries Jul 2013 #154

Yes it did. He showed dignity and grace while they showed ignorance and insensitivity. Squinch Jul 2013 #185

I am on your side on this one! :0) DonRedwood Jul 2013 #196

I don't know. Some of them seemed ashamed by it all. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #197

You're a beautiful person. Sarah Ibarruri Jul 2013 #204

That's exactly it, I think. Planting seeds. SO OFTEN I find that I long for a legitimately quick fix calimary Jul 2013 #221

I'm a fan of this approach. Voice for Peace Jul 2013 #124

How would that bring family closer together? Fearless Jul 2013 #71

Toxic families chervilant Jul 2013 #76

It was a first step for them... inviting me in the first place. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #90

Consider this - avebury Jul 2013 #135

Even if they don't change much, chervilant Jul 2013 #142

I think you are very, very wise. And patient. renate Jul 2013 #180

Sometimes it's important Fearless Jul 2013 #91

always important DonRedwood Jul 2013 #93

It gets easier Fearless Jul 2013 #95

No. A better way would have simply been to for Don and husband to simply 1monster Jul 2013 #132

Me too! Sarah Ibarruri Jul 2013 #203

I'm so sorry. TDale313 Jul 2013 #2

I believe we are stronger for it. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #24

imo you can photoshop a nice pic of yourself onto the family shot elehhhhna Jul 2013 #3

I love you. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #5

xox elehhhhna Jul 2013 #7

It is something I am quite good at myself. I'm the west coast off-spring of DonRedwood Jul 2013 #13

This message was self-deleted by its author prole_for_peace Jul 2013 #111

LOL! Is that what it is? pnwmom Jul 2013 #39

I'd rather be told the truth DonRedwood Jul 2013 #44

Sometimes I'll read that urban people in the Northwest or the Northeast pnwmom Jul 2013 #60

I think it is hard to make friends as an adult no matter where and no matter what DonRedwood Jul 2013 #66

I think with your general positive attitude and patience with people pnwmom Jul 2013 #68

My job is to get extremely angry people to calm down.... I do that every day DonRedwood Jul 2013 #96

Bless her heart, she could have married so much better, being so pretty, and all. tavalon Jul 2013 #78

LOL... I like this one: DonRedwood Jul 2013 #99

Sadly, this well worn craft comes out of female subjecation in the south tavalon Jul 2013 #117

I once had a Southern Belle from S. Carolina say to me: DonRedwood Jul 2013 #122

And never break a sweat, sadly. tavalon Jul 2013 #209

Yikes! n/t pnwmom Jul 2013 #127

Yup you can say anything you want about anyone prole_for_peace Jul 2013 #112

Better yet take your own Ravens.Ransom Jul 2013 #64

Hello Ravens! Welcome to DU, we are glad to have you here! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #100

Thanks for the welcome! Ravens.Ransom Jul 2013 #153

OMG LOL KentuckyWoman Jul 2013 #34

Welcome to DU Kentucky! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #41

Oh, that is a DELICIOUS idea!! emmadoggy Jul 2013 #162

But RavensRansom's idea is good too: for his Christmas card, send to his husband's family Squinch Jul 2013 #186

I missed that - I didn't get emmadoggy Jul 2013 #210

My family is lucky... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2013 #8

Maybe I'll be in the next one :0) DonRedwood Jul 2013 #16

Will do... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2013 #18

And that is why we are out and proud... DonRedwood Jul 2013 #25

You are a brave, courageous, and loving person csziggy Jul 2013 #9

The love makes you strong, that's all. If it was just me or my own family? DonRedwood Jul 2013 #26

Yet if you'd pointedly asked them about any of this stuff, Warpy Jul 2013 #10

that would rile them up! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #38

Oh, a little poshumous revenge can be sweet, indeed Warpy Jul 2013 #51

Yes, they always pretend they don't know what you're upset about. LuvNewcastle Jul 2013 #82

I'm sorry you and your husband were hurt... nessa Jul 2013 #11

Welcome to DU! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #45

I've been there. MinneapolisMatt Jul 2013 #12

Thanks Matt. I know the story is not new. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #14

You are an excellent writer. Number23 Jul 2013 #15

Very kind, thank you DonRedwood Jul 2013 #17

Sorry you two had to go through that. Arctic Dave Jul 2013 #20

I know! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #46

I agree... Unca Jim Jul 2013 #156

"confused about who is who"... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2013 #215

. libodem Jul 2013 #21

I really appreciate this post. I am sorry they were shitty to you and your husband arely staircase Jul 2013 #22

Thanks arely DonRedwood Jul 2013 #50

demonstrating love in the face of ignorance is good. No one can say you were 'one of them' roguevalley Jul 2013 #23

We feel like we did just that. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #57

How very cruel and thoughtless emsimon33 Jul 2013 #27

I'm not gay. My wife is not American. She is a Chinese national. We are heading home soon Nanjing to Seoul Jul 2013 #28

Take a deep breath DonRedwood Jul 2013 #35

"We fly out of this hell hole in 12 hours" was my mantra. "Stop hurting my husband" lunasun Jul 2013 #29

Oh no, I bought thank you cards today DonRedwood Jul 2013 #33

And fantastically well I might add! Fearless Jul 2013 #72

I agree that the way you handled this was super good! juajen Jul 2013 #87

Thank you. I felt it for the best as well though it hurt. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #101

K&R Jamastiene Jul 2013 #30

. KentuckyWoman Jul 2013 #31

I'm in an interracial marriage and my father refused to accept my husband for the first two years... Moonwalk Jul 2013 #32

I am glad to hear that things got better for you DonRedwood Jul 2013 #47

Sorry to post on this thread again... Unca Jim Jul 2013 #157

My mother in law didn't care for me, either... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2013 #216

Same thing for us. Rozlee Jul 2013 #205

My wife, bless her heart, comes from a family that, from the beginning, WCGreen Jul 2013 #36

Assholes are better than two faces in many aspects DonRedwood Jul 2013 #52

Thanks, DonRedwood. Have you ever thought about writing for other venues? pnwmom Jul 2013 #37

I've wondered if I should look for some sort of outlet for this type of essay style writing DonRedwood Jul 2013 #48

The family you discribe is my family dusty trails Jul 2013 #40

Hey dusty, a big welcome to DU! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #49

I am an atheist... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2013 #217

You're a class act, Don! Firebrand Gary Jul 2013 #42

Shhhhhhh...you'll ruin my reputation! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #67

Your a better man than me, I would not have done that. William769 Jul 2013 #43

You've met them all, you say? You have their addresses? MADem Jul 2013 #53

YOU, MADem, ARE TRULY EVIL DonRedwood Jul 2013 #54

The sweaters would rock the pic! BIG SMILES, too! MADem Jul 2013 #55

and we can hyphenate our names! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #56

You really should! MADem Jul 2013 #59

Ah, yes, we must have preprinted name labels. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #61

Great minds...! MADem Jul 2013 #62

The "He-Man Slime Pit" was also a fine gift. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #63

And you call me EVIL? I bow at the feet of the master!!!! MADem Jul 2013 #65

That was a good Christmas DonRedwood Jul 2013 #69

You two are cracking me up... 2theleft Jul 2013 #173

You torture by toys too?? DonRedwood Jul 2013 #198

I envy your stoicism LittleBlue Jul 2013 #58

Thank you for the kind words DonRedwood Jul 2013 #70

I heard a good saying the other day... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2013 #220

Sorry GlashFordan Jul 2013 #73

I got along great with the kids. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #102

You are absolutely correct in your approach Fearless Jul 2013 #74

Well said. -nt Bonx Jul 2013 #121

I'm so sorry, awful to be excluded from a family Raine Jul 2013 #75

this is so beautifully expressed, Don. I'd say I'm sorry, but you don't need that cali Jul 2013 #77

Thanks Cali DonRedwood Jul 2013 #105

I would be proud to have both of you in my family. idwiyo Jul 2013 #79

We can be DU family. GOd knows I turn to DU when I'm upset by society...that's gotta count for some DonRedwood Jul 2013 #123

To me 'family' has nothing to do with people I just happened to share some DNA with. idwiyo Jul 2013 #149

No matter what they do, Don HillWilliam Jul 2013 #80

Ah, Hill, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #106

my condolences to you HillWilliam shireen Jul 2013 #114

And a hug for Shireen for showing us DU's got a big heart. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #126

I'm sorry for your loss Tree-Hugger Jul 2013 #141

Thank you both very much HillWilliam Jul 2013 #146

Fuck them all. 6000eliot Jul 2013 #81

That's the thing though! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #107

You did the right thing. There may be no hope for those of your generation and older, rhett o rick Jul 2013 #152

The kids are getting there on their own. 6000eliot Jul 2013 #175

Reading stories like this makes me appreciate my family of misfits lumberjack_jeff Jul 2013 #83

Yes, I wish someone had done that for my partner. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #108

Is not right! mecherosegarden Jul 2013 #84

Wow, you're stronger than I could be LittleGirl Jul 2013 #85

This hurts my heart Tree-Hugger Jul 2013 #86

Hugs to you tree hugger DonRedwood Jul 2013 #110

I got angry reading that dbackjon Jul 2013 #88

there isn't anything worth gaining from those people to swallow that much shit datasuspect Jul 2013 #98

please read post #116 below :0) DonRedwood Jul 2013 #118

I am so sorry that you two are facing this! People are so damn stupid! hedgehog Jul 2013 #92

Whenever we're with my husband's family, we keep thinking "how much longer in this hellhole?" mountain grammy Jul 2013 #94

i had crazy psychotic drunk workingmen who fought in WW2 and vietnam datasuspect Jul 2013 #97

I have a feeling you are the person I'd want to talk to at the party DonRedwood Jul 2013 #136

You must have felt horrid. Boudica the Lyoness Jul 2013 #103

I'm very sorry to hear of your experience. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #113

ouch. renate Jul 2013 #181

Poignant, well-written. I'm glad I read it and I thank you. nt Bernardo de La Paz Jul 2013 #104

Nauseating. Infuriating. I cannot believe how gracefully you handled that. Butterbean Jul 2013 #109

Butterbean, no! Please don't get so mad, I would not want to be the cause of such anger DonRedwood Jul 2013 #116

Sigh. It's hard not to, and you and your dh are very strong people. Butterbean Jul 2013 #139

Abusive boyfriend? Fifth marriage? bobclark86 Jul 2013 #115

K&R!! cliffordu Jul 2013 #119

my hat's off to you... Momgonepostal Jul 2013 #120

I honestly don't know. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #134

Don, I think you and your partner did the right thing... kjackson227 Jul 2013 #125

Your OP brought tears to my eyes. Solidly hetero man here, but one who HardTimes99 Jul 2013 #128

You softee straight guys are my heroes. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #130

Well played, beautifully written. mia Jul 2013 #129

Don! That was a horrible experience! BUT, Auntie Bush Jul 2013 #131

At one point he decided to talk to his mother and I stopped him DonRedwood Jul 2013 #144

You found some typical red state monsters...they don't deserve a relationship with you Auntie Bush Jul 2013 #148

Some good suggestions on the thread treestar Jul 2013 #133

My partner and I did the same a few years ago FreeState Jul 2013 #137

:0) Now that was a story I needed to read! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #145

Families that dissapprove do that on purpose Aerows Jul 2013 #138

Great sentiment in a very well written story. grantcart Jul 2013 #140

I assume they are Christians, because you indicate closeupready Jul 2013 #143

You are a saint. And so is your husband. That family doesn't matthews Jul 2013 #147

I'm sorry it was so painful, a tiny little story from me today bluemarkers Jul 2013 #150

i love that! nice that he was being out. DonRedwood Jul 2013 #166

Don,you are fortunate indeed to have a love in your life Rain Mcloud Jul 2013 #151

you are most definitely a lot nicer, and far more patient, than I would have been. kudos to you niyad Jul 2013 #155

that is our new favorite saying! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #167

Your patience and tolerance are amazing. Tiredofthesame Jul 2013 #158

welcome to DU! renate Jul 2013 #182

I don't know how you did it I admire your ability to keep it together Arcanetrance Jul 2013 #159

Bravo! everyone needs a hero! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #168

"I've shown you the truth and now you must evaluate your lies." Beartracks Jul 2013 #160

Amazing OP, amazing thread Fumesucker Jul 2013 #161

cheers fumesucker DonRedwood Jul 2013 #169

I am so sorry. emmadoggy Jul 2013 #163

I love your attitude, Don. pacalo Jul 2013 #164

I've wept over some of the kind words from you all in response... DonRedwood Jul 2013 #170

A magic marker savebigbird Jul 2013 #165

First, thank you for sharing this. marym625 Jul 2013 #171

I mean no disrespect marym625 Jul 2013 #178

Welcome to DU, and don't worry! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #188

Congrats on making it through mythology Jul 2013 #172

Don, I love your posts... 2theleft Jul 2013 #174

Sweet Talker! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #189

That's awful, but you know what? Marr Jul 2013 #176

An inspiring story. Oakenshield Jul 2013 #177

v blkmusclmachine Jul 2013 #179

the family tree thing reminded me of Harry Potter and the family tree of Sirius Black dembotoz Jul 2013 #183

You did good. The 'family' is probably not aware of how their actions hurt sinkingfeeling Jul 2013 #184

stab in the back? RicROC Jul 2013 #187

Hello and welcome to DU! DonRedwood Jul 2013 #191

Wonderful. WilliamPitt Jul 2013 #190

I love this post rosesaylavee Jul 2013 #192

I wish you both were in my family. I'd show 'em how you are supposed to be treated... cynatnite Jul 2013 #193

Wow. HappyMe Jul 2013 #194

You are a good man... RetroLounge Jul 2013 #195

I am sorry you had to write this... Orsino Jul 2013 #199

OMG I do not even know you and I love you. oldandhappy Jul 2013 #200

I love you both. SalmonChantedEvening Jul 2013 #201

Much love to you and your husband. A beautiful response to a hurtful time....... PDJane Jul 2013 #202

.. ismnotwasm Jul 2013 #206

Best wishes to you and your spouse... Moostache Jul 2013 #207

Your story broke my heart AC_Mem Jul 2013 #208

you made me tear up. You and your husband are stronger than my husband and I are. We don't put up liberal_at_heart Jul 2013 #211

k&r Liberal_in_LA Jul 2013 #212

Was Aunt Sally at the reunion? Conium Jul 2013 #213

Wow. Ouch. Ouch. toby jo Jul 2013 #214

Message auto-removed Name removed Jul 2013 #218

Welcome to DU! Cooley Hurd Jul 2013 #219

wow. just wow blondie58 Jul 2013 #222

woa. just wow blondie58 Jul 2013 #223