How to Avoid Getting a Job in Today's Job Market [View all]

[MineralMan]

Here are some steps you can take to assure yourself of failing to get a job after graduating from college in 2013. If you are not graduating in 2013, you can use these tips before you graduate to help ensure that you fail to get a job when you do finally graduate:

1. Have a crappy GPA - Employers will be happy to deny you employment if your GPA is below 3.0. So, taking it easy and partying down during your college days will pay off if you kept your GPA low. A GPA just above 2.0 is perfect.

2. Wear your usual clothing to meet recruiters or interviewers - Just get out of bed, pull on what you wore yesterday and show up sometime near your appointment time. Make a lousy first impression, and you'll be sure to get passed over.

3. Be as inarticulate as possible - Take care not to communicate your goals in clear language. Call the recruiter, "dude" or "babe" and you're well on your way to rejection.

4. Punt on your resume - Nobody reads those things anyhow, so don't bother with the spell-checking or having someone majoring in English look it over. Besides, you're not going to get a job anyhow. There are no jobs, so who cares?

5. Don't prepare for interviews - If you somehow get an interview, skip all that stuff about learning about the company. Don't visit their website or use Google News to see if anything is happening there. What's the point? They're not going to hire you in the first place.

6. During the interview, list all the things wrong with the company - This is a sure-fire guarantee of success in not getting the job. You know it's a lousy company, so let them know their shortcomings. "You guys really suck on the environment" is a great line.

7. Arrange for a cell phone call during the interview - Get a buddy to call you just about the time the interview begins. Discuss last weekend's binge, complete with details on barfing up that cheeseburger and beer.

8. Don't show any interest in being employed - Ask lots of questions having to do with vacations, personal time off, and flex hours right away. Ask when you'll get your first raise, too. These questions are sure to get the response you're looking for.

9. Demand a six-figure starting salary - If all else fails, this trick will come through for you in your job avoidance plans.

10. As insurance, update your Facebook page - Make sure you add a selfie of you mooning the camera before starting your job search. You want that to be the first thing they see when they check your social media presence.