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Matariki

(18,775 posts)

69. I agree with you about "blaming the victim"

Fri Mar 2, 2012, 02:34 PM

Mar 2012

which isn't what I was doing. I think it's unfortunate that someone has a repeated experience that make them come to the terrible conclusion that "all women" are a certain way. That's obviously not the truth.

That said, I have a rule for myself that has worked well for me. When I have a negative experience with people, the first couple times it happens I put it down to the other person's behavior. But if the same thing happens over and over I start examining my own life and try to figure out *why* something is happening. This isn't about me blaming myself or thinking I'm a bad person. It could be that I'm miscommunicating, or that I'm expecting certain reactions from people and the situation is self-fulfilling, or I'm repeating an old psychological pattern, or any number of reasons. That's not to say that there aren't abusive people in the world, there definitely are. But if I keep finding myself in the company of those people over and over, there gets to a point where I have to ask myself why.

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An article about why men don't open up (written by a man), critiqued by another man [View all] Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 OP

Men love to talk, I know I do... MicaelS Mar 2012 #1

Men are like The English - they more readily talk about the weather than anything else. :) nt Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #7

One person's "tendencies" is another person's "stereotype" lumberjack_jeff Mar 2012 #2

Interesting, thanks. With regard to issues within a relationship... Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #8

What she sees as issues, I don't see. lumberjack_jeff Mar 2012 #10

That might be where there's an analytical difference between men and women? Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #16

Given what I just told you about my communications approach... lumberjack_jeff Mar 2012 #26

Okay, so you won't be a counselor any time soon lol Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #45

She feels ignored, so then it becomes an issue, whether Fawke Em Mar 2012 #21

This particular "difference" is clear treestar Mar 2012 #3

Yes, I know what you mean. My 1st husband was very talkative. It was a relief to me, in a way Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #9

I came from a violent household... Javaman Mar 2012 #4

I know. Growing up in an environment of violence is a constant battle Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #11

I don't think this is a gender trait. JDPriestly Mar 2012 #5

I agree. HappyMe Mar 2012 #6

Oh yes, doing the same thing at home that one does at work, is exhausting. Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #14

I definitely need down time when I get home from work. The way I got my downtime when Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #13

Introverts get shit on by extroverts all the tiime AngryAmish Mar 2012 #17

Most extroverts talk a hell of a lot while actually saying very little of substance.. Fumesucker Mar 2012 #52

Seems like somebody is a little high on himself. Saving Hawaii Mar 2012 #58

How would extroverts know? Fumesucker Mar 2012 #66

true for some Bohunk68 Mar 2012 #67

Jeff comprehends that *all* men DON'T conform to a single set of attributes Matariki Mar 2012 #12

I agree with you there. nt Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #15

That pretty much sums it up. Jamastiene Mar 2012 #60

Glad to see someone challenging this. MadrasT Mar 2012 #18

Sounds like you two have a very good relationship! nt Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #19

Jeff comes across as a mean-spirited, dishonest and judgemental jerk in his 2nd paragraph. Zalatix Mar 2012 #20

Jeff or Dave? nt Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #22

Jeff put words into Dave's comments that Dave never said or implied. That much is undeniable. Zalatix Mar 2012 #23

Oh ok. I imagined Jeff did that for effect. He meant to say... Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #24

Yeah, Jeff is being a douche. JVS Mar 2012 #38

Men don't open up their inner feelings because then they can be used as a weapon.. Fumesucker Mar 2012 #25

That's unfortunate you've had that experience Matariki Mar 2012 #27

Yes, it was all my fault.. Fumesucker Mar 2012 #28

Well if have to chose between "all woman are bad" Matariki Mar 2012 #31

First, how do you know it was just "partners"? Fumesucker Mar 2012 #34

I have a question Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #46

I think "a different partner might have reacted differently toward you" is not cruel. Withywindle Mar 2012 #57

I think you misread my words or I didn't communicate them well. Matariki Mar 2012 #59

I think there's a nasty strain in our culture Withywindle Mar 2012 #62

I agree with you about "blaming the victim" Matariki Mar 2012 #69

It's quite a common experience. Zalatix Mar 2012 #30

I have had the exact same problem with friends. Quantess Mar 2012 #29

I have no idea who's 'fault' it is Matariki Mar 2012 #33

Excuse me, but I don't remember asking you. Quantess Mar 2012 #35

I was responding to your post Matariki Mar 2012 #39

Thanks for proving my point! Quantess Mar 2012 #63

Maybe not "lying in wait" but if you put it out there at some point they'll use it.. Fumesucker Mar 2012 #36

Who is "they"? Matariki Mar 2012 #40

So now you're a mind reader too.. Fumesucker Mar 2012 #41

Where did he ever say that? He didn't specify "all women" or even "most women". Quantess Mar 2012 #65

Don't feel bad. Remember that it is unreasonable to expect everyone on the planet to agree with you Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #48

I'm not upset.. Fumesucker Mar 2012 #50

Sure, but that's life. Life has never been different. If we refuse to participate Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #54

Ever thoroughly mash a fingernail where it's a throbbing mass of pain? Fumesucker Mar 2012 #55

Okay, I think I understand what you mean. nt Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #56

I'm not upset, either! I wish people would listen instead of dismissing others' feeliings. Quantess Mar 2012 #64

I had plenty of arguments with women about politics, and these didn't turn out well Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #47

Yup, it's best to keep quiet. JVS Mar 2012 #37

It is? I don't know about that. You're not participating in life if you don't get out there and Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #49

Living is not dependent on how much others like you. JVS Mar 2012 #51

Exactly, which is why one shouldn't spend life holding back - Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #53

Have you found that everyone you've opened up to has used that information against you? Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #43

So men don't talk, and thus women don't know what they are thinking? FarCenter Mar 2012 #32

Bonding feels good. :) nt Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #44

. snagglepuss Mar 2012 #42

I'm a woman, and I'm someone who decompresses best by quiet "me time." Withywindle Mar 2012 #61

I understand. When I'm in the U.S., I find I generally decompress by hiding and having "me" time. Sarah Ibarruri Mar 2012 #68