I have a mental health issue. Ok, call it mental illness if you like. That doesn't mean that ... [View all]

[Denninmi]

... it doesn't mean a lot of things. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad guy. It doesn't mean that I'm immoral, or that it's some kind of "punishment from God for your sins." It doesn't mean that I'm dysfunctional in real life, in society. It certainly doesn't that mean I'm a danger to anyone with the possible exception of myself under the worst of circumstances, although honestly I am more in control and at peace with that issue, it was something done out of desperation - I grew up a lot, what can I say. It doesn't mean I need to be spoken down to, treated like a child, or treated like I can't make informed rational decisions about life matters big or small. It doesn't mean I can't hear people when they make comments. It doesn't mean I deserve to be excluded or isolated or ignored. It doesn't mean I can't live next door to you, you will never know any of this unless I choose to tell you, otherwise, I'm just the guy next door. It doesn't mean I can't do any of the things anyone else in this society does. It certainly doesn't mean that I fit the stereotypical image among the Teahadist set that I, like many other groups, am a ne'er do well slacker bucking for a handout from the evil gubmint.

It sure as Hell doesn't mean I deserve to painted with a broad brush and lumped together in anyone's minds with seriously disturbed people like Adam Lanza or Jared Loughner or James Holmes or Ariel Castro or the woman who died the other day in DC after the altercations at the WH and the Capitol. Because I am nothing like them, I have a radically different medical mental health diagnosis and issues than any of them, and to think that my problem, PTSD, is like their problems is to say that Lung Cancer and Myeloid Leukemia are the same condition. This has happened, although it's mainly a knee-jerk reaction to a tragedy, it tends to go away, and it's only a handful who say things like this.

Bluntly, in the past 14 months, I received death threats from a client, which caused essentially a "nervous breakdown" although the current term in use is "to be in crisis" I guess. That brought up extreme memories of a childhood with an extremely abusive and violent father. I went to a doctor who totally misdiagnosed me and gave me a completely inappropriate medication. Who also made me go to a psychiatric day hospital program essentially against my will, and I was afraid to say "no". Because of that, my self esteem crashed, I thought my life would be over, that I could never recover from this, and I tried to kill myself one morning. Obviously didn't work. Had a big wake up call in the hospital program, I realized I had to fight for myself. I also realized, slowly, that what I had been told about what was wrong with me was ... wrong, very very wrong. And I came to investigate the Dr, and found out she had serious issues of competency. As well as serious issues of having a miserable, cruel, dictatorial personality and absolutely no bedside manner. So, I did all of that, I survived it, I've tried to pick up the pieces of my life to the best of my ability. I have struggled constantly with the concept of stigma, I have obsessed about people IRL discovering this information. I have practiced self-stigma to the extreme, so much so that I have wished at times I had gone through with ending it. I found a psychiatrist who is the complete opposite of the first one, a joy to work with. I see a therapist weekly. I take good old fashioned cheap generic Prozac, it's working now. I have good days and bad days. I work hard now to improve my health, physical and mental. None of this is a secret in the online community known as DU, especially on a handful of select forums/groups. And, I have had great supporters, a few detractors,and a few haters who have hurt me.

The bottom line, though, in the real world, I am as functional, if not more so, than I ever was. I work full time, take care of a house, a dog, an elderly mother with health problems, I cook and clean, cut my lawn and pay my taxes, I do everything anyone else in suburban America does. But, I have felt isolated, "different", "other" and alone because I am "the crazy guy". In a land of 2 second soundbites passing for in-depth coverage, the uninformed wouldn't know the difference between PTSD versus Schizophrenia versus Personality Disorders versus Unipolar Depression -- they lump them, and the people who have them, all together into a broad category, "the crazies", "the psychos", "the nuts." Alas, there are a lot of uniformed people out there, as we all know, and a lot of stupidity in America, which explains things like the Tea Party in the first place. So, I guess mental health issues wouldn't be any different.

I have a new outlook on the issue, now. There is a favorite song of mine, "Everybody's Broken" by Bon Jovi, "It's ok to be a little broken, everybody's broken in this life". That is true, very few people go through life without problems, and very few of us are completely "adjusted" psychologically all the way around, we all have quirks and issues, because we are human. I am very, very slowly IRL telling a tiny handful of people what I have shared here, only those I feel I can trust without being judgemental, without reacting as if I were radioactive, without leaving me. And, to date, of the few people I have trusted, the reaction has been, well, outstanding, nothing but kindness and support, I think it has actually brought us closer together.

Yet, in America, the mentally ill are still open season. Politically, a football to be tossed around in the debate over guns, over health care, over civil rights and responsibilities versus public safety. Socially, the mentally ill are one of the few groups that it's still socially acceptable to mock, to deride, to make fun of. In terms of public health policy, we are the orphan child, lip service is paid to the need for increased funding, treatment, but in real terms it seems to be cut, not increased, and it is very , very hard for those without private insurance and ability to pay to get adequate treatment, often any treatment. There is still discrimination in housing, employment. On a personal level, these issues can tear families apart, cause people to lose relationships, to end up isolated, even "shunned" so to speak.

I am not willing to accept any of that for myself. Yes, I have problems, I struggle. I'm trying to deal with them. Again, unless I choose to tell you, you won't have a clue that I have a mental health issue. I didn't ask for this, I certainly don't want it, but it is what it is, I will deal with it to the best of my ability.

Mostly, though, I wrote this post for one reason. I AM SICK OF BEING ASHAMED. I felt so much shame and guilt, like I didn't even belong in public among the "normal" people. Like I wasn't good enough. Like I had done something horribly wrong. Like I was bad, evil even. And, I beat myself up for a year with all of this, feeling lower than low. And, I know none of this is true, intellectually, but emotionally it's hard to accept that I am still a good person, even though I have a mental illness, that I still have worth and value in society, that people can still accept, like, and maybe even love me. That I still belong. If I can do this to myself, self-stigmatize, self-doubt, self-loathe, I understand how easy it can be for others to NOT understand about mental illness and what people who have it struggle with, and struggle against.

Because that is all I am asking for, a little kindness, a little understanding, acceptance of the fact that people such as myself with a mental health issue still belong. We are not "other" -- we are you, part of humanity. Think about it.