General Discussion

dorkzilla

(5,141 posts)

106. Been there!

Fri Oct 25, 2013, 04:11 PM

Oct 2013

Hubby #1 wanted kids, I told him from the time we met (we were co-workers long before we dated) that I didn't ever want kids. Ever ever ever. When we started dating and getting serious, I told him he'd probably better consider if he wanted to move ahead, since he wanted them and I didn't. His response? "I'll change your mind".

I suppose part of his unrealistic expectations stemmed from the fact that his nieces adored me, and vice versa. I had three young nephews at the time and saw them frequently, had them to my house for weekends and just had a blast with them. I'm a big overgrown child, but I never felt like I wanted to have any of my own, and I knew that from the age of 5 or 6. Irrespective of that, children have always been drawn to me (I think its my round face and big eyes. I think I look rather cartoonish in a way, like a giant blond ladybug as someone once described me).

Anyway, about a year and a half into our marriage, he got more and more aggressive about his point of view, and would hide my BC pills often. That was it. I knew I had to leave because this wasn't what either of us wanted.

He found another woman and got her pregnant before we were even divorced. Sadly, the union produced two autistic children.

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Highlight:

8 Silliest Things People Say When I Tell Them I Don't Want Kids [View all] PasadenaTrudy Oct 2013 OP

Never did want em and being over 50 yo I still don't want any ...even L0oniX Oct 2013 #1

heehee PasadenaTrudy Oct 2013 #3

PC is way over rated. L0oniX Oct 2013 #4

That reminds me PasadenaTrudy Oct 2013 #5

Another reason to like Bill Maher Plucketeer Oct 2013 #46

I only knew pipi_k Oct 2013 #12

Don't you just love it when they scream at the top of their lungs... virgdem Oct 2013 #70

I had a similar situation in a restaurant Awknid Oct 2013 #87

I would have answered: "So what happened to make you decide you didn't need to socialize your kids? Squinch Oct 2013 #113

well said. i had 1 child. i'm 72 DesertFlower Oct 2013 #133

"Do you want me to KILL him?" a mom screamed at me once in a restaurant. Peregrine Took Oct 2013 #158

To be honest, I can't stand kids either. Vashta Nerada Oct 2013 #20

I have a phobia of small children. Infants too. Chan790 Oct 2013 #29

Yeah PasadenaTrudy Oct 2013 #36

I actually like kids, but never had any desire for my own. Squinch Oct 2013 #112

I also like kids, and have to admit to entertaining the thought in my 30's. In retrospect, I feel adirondacker Oct 2013 #174

In my city neighborhood parents bring them into dark, candlelit restaurants. Peregrine Took Oct 2013 #157

I knew by the age of ten Warpy Oct 2013 #35

As someone who SheilaT Oct 2013 #2

My MIL passed not long ago, leaving behind a beautiful young daughter Nuclear Unicorn Oct 2013 #8

people do that with everything though hfojvt Oct 2013 #33

Bingo! SheilaT Oct 2013 #175

our society has a superiority complex. We have to feel to superior to someone so we can feel better liberal_at_heart Oct 2013 #73

+1000 cyberswede Oct 2013 #77

I'm not seeing any disparaging of people who have kids in this. Squinch Oct 2013 #115

Not in this article, but the sentiment is common enough Orrex Oct 2013 #138

As is the sentiment that people who don't have children are selfish. But if that sentiment Squinch Oct 2013 #143

"That seemed to me like a very selective umbrage." Orrex Oct 2013 #144

What makes the term "breeder" a denigration? Squinch Oct 2013 #145

Context Orrex Oct 2013 #146

So the term itself is not a denigration. Squinch Oct 2013 #147

Nor is any word, in itself. What's your point? Orrex Oct 2013 #148

That the term itself is not a denigration. Squinch Oct 2013 #149

No shit. Neither is "bitch" or "pussy" What's your point? Orrex Oct 2013 #150

You said the term was a denigration. It isn't. Squinch Oct 2013 #151

You can't be serious Orrex Oct 2013 #152

When ever someone tells me they don't want kids, i congratulate them hedgehog Oct 2013 #6

2. "You'll change your mind." Lady Freedom Returns Oct 2013 #7

I can answer that one. kentauros Oct 2013 #63

If we had a nickel for every time ~that~ happens... pauliedangerously Oct 2013 #72

breeders cyberswede Oct 2013 #75

I hate that rude, derogatory term laundry_queen Oct 2013 #83

So do I. cyberswede Oct 2013 #88

ha! I get that a lot. laundry_queen Oct 2013 #92

that is a hateful thing to say. liberal_at_heart Oct 2013 #96

"superior lifestyle of non-breeders" BULLSHIT! GreenStormCloud Oct 2013 #164

Thank you. SheilaT Oct 2013 #176

Anybody who doesn't know couples who should never have become parents...... Paladin Oct 2013 #9

"I love my friends' children. Because I don't have to take care of them." Egalitarian Thug Oct 2013 #10

Of the three pipi_k Oct 2013 #17

I sort of hate to point this out, SheilaT Oct 2013 #177

Actually enjoy traveling more with kids. efhmc Oct 2013 #198

A lot of married people see it as selfish, they like you and think there should be more of you... uponit7771 Oct 2013 #11

When the truth is there are definitely times when the opposite is true. cui bono Oct 2013 #15

My thoughts exactly... pipi_k Oct 2013 #22

so many ways of having children Chaco Dundee Oct 2013 #50

Yep... pipi_k Oct 2013 #58

my thoughts Chaco Dundee Oct 2013 #80

+1 uponit7771 Oct 2013 #28

Yup. I've been told I was selfish for not wanting kids. bobja Oct 2013 #34

Yeah I heard "selfish" mentioned recently by a coworker too DaveJ Oct 2013 #78

Having kids is not for everyone. Warren DeMontague Oct 2013 #89

Not to my face, she said "her sister thinks" kidless people are selfish DaveJ Oct 2013 #94

Thank god my kids slept a lot later than that. SheilaT Oct 2013 #179

Heh. I'm with you, there. Warren DeMontague Oct 2013 #187

That just bamboozles me. I hear it reasonably often too. I don't choose the lifestyle Squinch Oct 2013 #120

I've seen those who want kids termed selfish. SheilaT Oct 2013 #178

After my parents split, my father disappeared...I'd hear regularly.."We shouldn't have had children" Tikki Oct 2013 #13

I can relate to that Awknid Oct 2013 #95

Once..you grow to understand, maybe even twice�but many times sends a message... Tikki Oct 2013 #98

Yikes! Bay Boy Oct 2013 #99

I married into the best, kindest, real family.. Tikki Oct 2013 #100

I've never once had a desire to have kids, but I can remember as a little girl thinking about cui bono Oct 2013 #14

You have nicely summed up SheilaT Oct 2013 #180

Hell, if a stranger gave me crap for choosing to not have kids, I would give them crap for having cui bono Oct 2013 #16

If a stranger gave me crap for having kids Warren DeMontague Oct 2013 #109

Sometimes nothing is stated but you get that look like.... Peregrine Took Oct 2013 #159

Useless eaters get the red out Oct 2013 #161

What?? SheilaT Oct 2013 #181

I'm a male in my early 30s. Vashta Nerada Oct 2013 #18

Honesty is best... pipi_k Oct 2013 #27

Hey! Me too! n/t Chan790 Oct 2013 #31

I went through that too PasadenaTrudy Oct 2013 #38

That is not selfish at all get the red out Oct 2013 #53

Been there! dorkzilla Oct 2013 #106

How wonderful that the nieces and nephews adored you. SheilaT Oct 2013 #182

I love my daughters immensely.... but this parenting shit is HARD scheming daemons Oct 2013 #19

+1! Cha Oct 2013 #139

I have two sons. SheilaT Oct 2013 #183

Cats are cheaper and easier to train. Tierra_y_Libertad Oct 2013 #21

No way. Gormy Cuss Oct 2013 #68

Compared to kids? Tierra_y_Libertad Oct 2013 #82

In my experience antiquie Oct 2013 #153

Cats are cheaper, but NOT easier to train. GreenStormCloud Oct 2013 #165

I love children... GliderGuider Oct 2013 #23

You need PasadenaTrudy Oct 2013 #40

"That's selfish" is not on the list? Capt. Obvious Oct 2013 #24

Oh yes get the red out Oct 2013 #39

I don't need to have children; but if I wanted to raise children, I'd adopt of foster. haele Oct 2013 #25

I appreciate your choice and am glad you are Skidmore Oct 2013 #26

The sermonizing comes at us also get the red out Oct 2013 #42

The bottom line is that, regardless of the choice you make, Skidmore Oct 2013 #114

^^^^^^thank you^^^^^^^^ zazen Oct 2013 #59

Our country in general and corporate culture specifically could do a way better job of supporting Warren DeMontague Oct 2013 #110

The lack of support for SheilaT Oct 2013 #184

Did she compare having kids to being in a gang bang? joeglow3 Oct 2013 #30

Actually.... no get the red out Oct 2013 #49

No. Iggo Oct 2013 #81

Never wanted kids, but had two. RebelOne Oct 2013 #32

Prepare Rover1 Oct 2013 #52

So WTF does that mean? Love some elaboration... Agschmid Oct 2013 #61

I think it means that culturally, you get what you give. IdaBriggs Oct 2013 #97

I think having children as a "retirement plan" is unfair to the children. Squinch Oct 2013 #127

especially daughters, since it is assumed they will take on the burden bettyellen Oct 2013 #135

Which, in most cases, they must. And this becomes part of the argument that is being made Squinch Oct 2013 #142

Yep, it's like claiming none of this is "work" because there is no paycheck!!! bettyellen Oct 2013 #156

Depends on the culture. In the United States, it is the daughters. IdaBriggs Oct 2013 #163

in America is seems to fall heavily on the daughters, it did in my case bettyellen Oct 2013 #170

Truth. My mother was the "main person" including dealing with the paperwork. IdaBriggs Oct 2013 #171

I believe I covered that in my post. IdaBriggs Oct 2013 #162

More to the point, those who don't have kids, SheilaT Oct 2013 #185

Truth at all levels. IdaBriggs Oct 2013 #197

I have invested plenty in my kids. RebelOne Oct 2013 #103

welcome to DU gopiscrap Oct 2013 #118

Thanks for posting this get the red out Oct 2013 #37

You are welcome! PasadenaTrudy Oct 2013 #43

I belong to one also get the red out Oct 2013 #51

I'm 49 too! PasadenaTrudy Oct 2013 #124

I don't know what else this was all for if not children LittleBlue Oct 2013 #41

I never wanted to get married or have kids and I love my life! Walk away Oct 2013 #130

Wow. There are a lot of people on this thread who hated themselves Fawke Em Oct 2013 #44

If you really want to know... pipi_k Oct 2013 #48

Same here. GliderGuider Oct 2013 #55

The amnesia thing... pipi_k Oct 2013 #62

I'm very fortunate in that regard GliderGuider Oct 2013 #66

If that's the case, then... pipi_k Oct 2013 #71

Wow. Fawke Em Oct 2013 #191

I do not hate children get the red out Oct 2013 #56

You have a dog in your profile.q Fawke Em Oct 2013 #192

I don't fully understand your response get the red out Oct 2013 #196

That is so illogical PasadenaTrudy Oct 2013 #123

Not really, since I remember when I was three. Fawke Em Oct 2013 #193

That makes very little sense. Squinch Oct 2013 #126

It makes little sense to hate people who aren't adults, too. Fawke Em Oct 2013 #194

If men say they don't want kids, they're looked upon as a sage of some sort. AAO Oct 2013 #45

Because women have time limits on childbearing & men don't (except for death). johnlucas Oct 2013 #131

"Oh, but you'll change you mind once you HAVE a baby! You'll fall in love with it." kestrel91316 Oct 2013 #47

I think what most of them don't know pipi_k Oct 2013 #54

if you have a shortage, I must have a surplus laundry_queen Oct 2013 #93

You probably pipi_k Oct 2013 #169

I have never been able to handle the screaming, or the very idea of diapers. kestrel91316 Oct 2013 #116

Good point. Warren DeMontague Oct 2013 #108

The world would be a much better place if the people who don't WANT kids kestrel91316 Oct 2013 #117

I agree 100%. Warren DeMontague Oct 2013 #119

Thankfully I am too old for these stupid comments now. redstatebluegirl Oct 2013 #57

I think I may skip this thread. I've seen some pretty nasty remarks made to parents in these kinds liberal_at_heart Oct 2013 #60

You mean you don't like being called a "breeder" and hearing about your "spawn"? Warren DeMontague Oct 2013 #85

I've always admired good parents Awknid Oct 2013 #101

I do not give people who chose to have kids a hard time. redstatebluegirl Oct 2013 #104

I have two kids, and two grandkids, and they're all great. HERVEPA Oct 2013 #64

Childless is not by choice get the red out Oct 2013 #86

"Child-free" is a hostile response to the negativity of "childless" BeyondGeography Oct 2013 #155

Thanks for the very well-thought-out and written post. I agree. HERVEPA Oct 2013 #160

ROFL '...my body is also capable of a gang bang...' CarrieLynne Oct 2013 #65

These silly responses seemingly always come from those locdlib Oct 2013 #67

Your position is noble. FrodosPet Oct 2013 #69

I can come up with better. ZombieHorde Oct 2013 #74

people who honestly give a shit how other people choose to live their lives Warren DeMontague Oct 2013 #76

What's the fun in that? (kidding) DaveJ Oct 2013 #84

well said. liberal_at_heart Oct 2013 #90

They are numerous though get the red out Oct 2013 #91

EVERYONE is deficient in some fundamental way FrodosPet Oct 2013 #102

There is a wide chasm between consideration for others and lecturing them about their personal lives Warren DeMontague Oct 2013 #105

I love kids. Iggo Oct 2013 #79

It's still a blast to go through the motions. Spitfire of ATJ Oct 2013 #125

i had 1 child with my first husband. DesertFlower Oct 2013 #107

Hi, I'm Dorkzilla, I'm 48 and childfree by choice (hullo Dorkzilla)... dorkzilla Oct 2013 #111

Main reason to have kids: Immortality jeff47 Oct 2013 #121

Someone had to do it... Spitfire of ATJ Oct 2013 #122

That is hilarious! Brigid Oct 2013 #134

I cannot begin to imagine having a child SheilaT Oct 2013 #186

Tantrums aren't unique to humans as any parrot owner will tell you. Spitfire of ATJ Oct 2013 #188

My parents claim my sister and I didn't throw tantrums in public kcr Oct 2013 #190

Childfree Polly Hennessey Oct 2013 #128

Best decision ever! mentalsolstice Oct 2013 #129

I'm past the point now, kiva Oct 2013 #132

I have to say: Being a (single) parent was very hard. panader0 Oct 2013 #136

Childless, but not necessarily by choice. Brigid Oct 2013 #137

I admire people who deliberately choose to be child-free steve2470 Oct 2013 #140

I wish my mother never had children. Ino Oct 2013 #141

~ antiquie Oct 2013 #154

amen and thank you! magical thyme Oct 2013 #166

"It's a blast!"???????????? MissMillie Oct 2013 #167

happily willfully barren loyalsister Oct 2013 #168

I'm a 42 year old woman who is childfree and I hear this stupid shit all the time! Liberal_Stalwart71 Oct 2013 #172

"You're not a real woman until you're a mother" LadyHawkAZ Oct 2013 #173

To me, now that I am 65, SheilaT Oct 2013 #189

I get the "what will you do when you're old" line quite a bit. Marr Oct 2013 #195