My 17 yr old asked me to tell how I became pro-choice. (Long) [View all]

[Mother Of Four]

There's another thread that was a little bit hijacked, I had posted on talking to someone about abortion. I showed my two daughters the thread, they read it and instead of being horrified or indignant they were sad. My youngest looked at me and said “Mama, please tell them about me. Tell them about me and tell them what happened with (my oldest son) after he grew up.” I had touched on it lightly with my other post in that thread, my daughter is adamant that I tell about it. She wants me to explain to anyone lurking about what exactly we feel pro-choice is, how we came to see it and why it's so vitally important.

Up until I was in my mid 20's (I'm in my 40's now) I was firmly pro-life, I was on a very high horse and no one could convince me otherwise. Needless to say I was clueless, young and sadly misinformed.

DISCLAIMER: I'm telling this story not to encourage people to not terminate. I'm telling this story because it is a story about CHOICE. Please read until the end.

1996 I was pregnant with my youngest child, and I was sick. Well sick is a mild way to put it, I was already swelling and my blood pressure was spiking at 12 weeks. My glucose was way off and I was getting dark spots in front of my eyes. I had a history of going toxic with one of my other pregnancies. The doctor I saw at 12 weeks told me in no uncertain terms I had to end the pregnancy, it was more likely I would die from pre-eclampsia / toxicity than carry the child to term. I went home and told my husband.

My husband was supportive. He held me, we cried and then he asked when we would schedule it. I told him no, I was not ending the pregnancy. I was carrying our child. Afterward came the biggest fight we've ever had. I let him know that I told the Dr. I wasn't terminating and he was refusing to treat me. I had to find another Dr., the one I was with couldn't support my decision in good conscience. My husband was terrified, he did everything he could to convince me otherwise. I understand why he argued the way he did, he didn't want to lose me. In the end he said fine, we'll get a second opinion.

The second Dr. told me exactly the same as the first, and referred me to another who mostly did high risk pregnancies. I went to go see her and she treated me through the pregnancy. I was on bed rest for the entire time, I was having to take my sugar and blood pressure 3x a day. There were more difficulties but if I were to write them all this post would end up like a book. I had Dr.'s appointments once a week, and by the time I was 26 weeks I was hospitalized. My Dr. told me I would be in the hospital until delivery. They induced me at 32 weeks because my labs came back with me spilling protein and I was developing tunnel vision. I called my husband and told him if he wanted to be there for the delivery he needed to come now, they weren't going to wait.

The birth was very difficult, I hemorrhaged and even at 32 weeks my daughter was 9lbs 8oz. I was in recovery for over 24 hours and my daughter was in NICU. Everything was touch and go for about two weeks, then she stabilized and after another two weeks we could take her home.

During the entire time, I had to fight my friends. I had to fight my family. (Mom and Dad etc) I had to rationalize to them why I was willing to do this.

I look at my daughter today and remember how much I had to fight to convince people I was making the right choice for me. Through my pregnancy there were many times, especially in the hospital, that I had quiet to ruminate over my life and what I was doing then.

If choice were taken away, at 12 weeks I would have been forced to terminate for my own good. I wouldn't have this beautiful and brilliant daughter, our lives would be poorer for it. Not only that but being treated as a sub-human who had no rights to her body would have scarred me for the rest of my life.

In the hospital I had an epiphany: a painful one.

Who was I to tell anyone else what was the best choice for them?
By what right, was my opinion about their body more important than theirs?
In all my previously thought righteous anger, where was my compassion for the mother?
How many of those women I judged were in a situation like mine?
How many of those women were heartbroken, and how much worse was it that they knew they were being looked down on instead of supported?
How many of those going into the clinics were raped, or victims of incest?
What kind of life would an unwanted child have, if a woman were forced to carry them?


I came to the conclusion that up until that moment, I was a very poor excuse for a human being.

Having my daughter changed my life in more ways than a new baby usually does. It ripped my blinders off and showed me how ugly people can be to one another. Choice isn't just about pregnancy, it affects every aspect of our lives. It's about basic human compassion and respect, it's about not trampling others. It's about learning how to make your own choices without having to push your beliefs on others to validate them.

Fast forward 15 years, my eldest son 21 years old and in a relationship. Contraception failed and his girlfriend had some serious health problems that would be magnified by pregnancy. Neither feeling ready for a child, neither willing to risk her health. It was the first true in your face test I had with my epiphany.

She asked me what I thought she should do. I sat her down, took her hands in mine and told her what I would do in her place isn't important. No matter what my feelings were, she was the one who's life would be changed. Not mine. I told her whatever her choice, do was was right for her. She cried, and told me she was sorry. She just couldn't go through with the pregnancy. Faced with all that she had to face, she made the choice to terminate. I did nothing to stand in her way, or say anything negative and my husband drove them to the clinic. We didn't want to risk them driving while emotional.

I sometimes wish I could go back in time and talk to my younger self, the one who was so sure she was in the right. She couldn't have been more wrong. In the end, when everything is all said and done pro-choice doesn't begin to define the slippery slope of human rights. It barely touches on it. No one else can live in your skin, or feel what you feel. Each life is a mini universe, a small cosmos developed by experiences we have as individuals. No matter how much we want to we simply can not look through another's eyes, because we can't do that we have no place pushing them. Instead we have to be compassionate. If we lose our compassion, we lose the very thing that makes us human.

Thank you in advance for anyone who had the patience to read this to the end.