Thank goodness for men who like sex

[zazen]

33. sex with men who aren't porn obsessed is soooo much more fun

I try not to say "better" since I don't want to come across as ranking partners.

But I wondered about starting a thread where we actually talk about how bad sex is when the male partner has a glazed, distant look in his eyes because he's participating in some phantom script to which he's been conditioned by boring, repetitive, non-imaginative pornography.

It's great to be with a man who's actually present, physically and emotionally, and enjoys and attends to women's real bodies and souls, and isn't in some masturbatory trance.

I've definitely noticed that guys who aren't into porn, paradoxically (considering all of the erection obsession), have much higher sex drives and are much more "virile" in the traditional sense, well into their later decades. Because they're not hooked on cartoonish notions of female bodies and cartoonish, compulsively conditioned behaviors, they get much more easily aroused by actual living, breathing women.

There could be some self-selection here. Perhaps it's the guys who are terrified about losing their own virility who get hooked on porn. Two men I know who are extremely virile (like 20 year olds, except they've learned how to control it) told me that they stopped using it years ago because it felt gross and all-consuming. And these guys have very active sex lives, in part because they're not using that crap. Women sense it. And they're realllllly into women. There's an electricity about them. They're not in a trance.

I guess I could be more threatened that a male partner is living in "meatspace" and more sexually aware of the women around him (and potentially more attracted to them) because he's not living in some pathetic fantasy world where he orgasms to repetitive videos degrading women, but it's a trade-off I'll take,.

It doesn't matter how modelish you look and how much Victoria's Secret lingerie you have or how many porn scripts you learn (and the ways you have to self-medicate to do it), if your partner is addicted to porn you will never, ever be enough. That's because from the outset, their fantasy is more important to them than an authentic connection with your body. They need their next transgressive fix. The orgasmic moment for them is built on your degradation. I'm not talking about consensual BDSM. That'd be too honest, too emotionally present and accountable. Too non-masturbatory. No, they need to think they're (insert porn term) to that (insert degrading term for female). It precludes emotional presence.

It's a lot of bad things, but most of all, it's BORING.