Married Ladies: Don't Quit Your Day Job -- Ever

[Ms. Toad]

36. It seems to me her bigger problem

was that she did not value herself and the choices she made because she bought into the "wife of leisure" image - rather than seeing the choices she made to be a stay at home mom and free-lance writer as contributions to her own career and to her family.

I made a similar choice, but I viewed it far differently. I taught for 11 years, then chose to be a stay-at-home mom until my daughter entered kindergarten. During that time I was also a writer (a stringer for the local paper), a mediator for the local court system, a crafter, and became an enrolled agent (qualified to represent taxpayers before the IRS). My spouse and I both knew it was important both to my emotional health and eventual return to the outside the home workforce to keep some contact with that world so once our daughter stopped working she cared for our daughter in the evening.

I re-entered the workforce in my 40s, and have used what I had done during my at-home-mom time to my advantage numerous times since then. In other words I treated the skills I learned and used during that "wife of leisure" time as valuable assets, rather than as a bad choice I made.

For years I have been the main breadwinner in the family (something we never expected) and am currently nearly the sole breadwinner (my spouse has not been employed in nearly a decade - she currently does a lot of pro bono/charity work with a small smattering of paid clients). We always assumed she would be the main bread winner - and whatever income I earned doing "cause" work would merely supplement her more traditionally business orientation.

So - we aren't where I expected we would be - my recent job change back to academia (which I find much more compatible than the world of business) leaves us living on half the income we've been living on, and I wish my spouse could find employment she is capable of doing and would enjoy (the reason she has been largely unemployed is the development of cognitive issues she is unaware of - so she believes she is capable of doing more than she is - and only applies for jobs which are beyond her current skill set).

But I wouldn't change any of our decisions along the way - especially not taking 8 years out of the work force to be a full time, at home, parent and then three years more to add another degree to my belt.