General Discussion

Tigress DEM

(7,887 posts)

87. Awful thing to happen. Sorry you're having to deal with it.

Sat Dec 7, 2013, 01:53 AM

Dec 2013

IF he wasn't selfish, he wouldn't be cheating in the first place.

IF he wasn't selfish, he would have waited until AFTER Christmas to drop this bomb on you so you could have REALLY thought everything was fine and given the kids one last good memory before ending a long term marriage.

Mid-life crises and letting his little head rule his life it sounds like.

YOU will survive and someday you'll be in a much better place.

THIS kind of struggle makes you into someone stronger and more sure of herself in the long run.

Bit by bit piece by piece you will become someone who can recognize a person who is worthy of trust and who is willing to earn that trust. You'll make stronger friendships and feel more in touch with your own abilities in many areas you relied on him or others for.

You may become fiercely independent for a time but eventually you'll go from co-dependence where your life is wrapped up in someone else to INTER-dependence where you rely on people not because you CAN'T do things for yourself, but because it's good and right to do for others and let them do for you as well.

You'll have a lot of tough choices, but learning to be empowered by choice will feed your soul something it may have missed out on all these years. It will be freeing not to have to always worry, well can I do x or y? What will "he" think? Because your decisions will consider others, but also consider yourself and doing what is right for you will make your life and your kid's lives better.

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Today has been the worst day of my life [View all] LukeFL Dec 2013 OP

I'm so sorry for you and your sons. EOTE Dec 2013 #1

I'm so sorry. I'm a marriage counselor, please take some advice. Happyhippychick Dec 2013 #2

Good advice... Phentex Dec 2013 #11

Thank you! Happyhippychick Dec 2013 #26

In fact, I went through it ten years ago, with a cheating spouse who wrecked a marriage with two villager Dec 2013 #53

Congrats on making yourself a peaceful life, isn't it wonderful? Happyhippychick Dec 2013 #98

They are indeed wonderful, those kids. I'm at an interesting juncture, with an emptying nest... villager Dec 2013 #116

I tell the women in my groups not to look for a man to marry, but instead to build a Happyhippychick Dec 2013 #119

Well, thanks. I guess part of it is the "letting go," and realizing it's not entirely my decision,l villager Dec 2013 #123

Excellent advice! LeftofObama Dec 2013 #46

He might yet see the true light. {{LukeFL}} WinkyDink Dec 2013 #3

So true! 20 year marriage weighs heavy B Calm Dec 2013 #95

Your trust has been violated. Know that is all on him. boston bean Dec 2013 #4

I'm so sorry catbyte Dec 2013 #5

Thank you.. He wanted LukeFL Dec 2013 #18

It's normal to be scared malaise Dec 2013 #27

Your feelings are understandable. bluestate10 Dec 2013 #48

Yes, she should get a lawyer NOW, not after New Year's Hekate Dec 2013 #88

+++++++++++++++++1!!!!!!! MADem Dec 2013 #107

+2 MrsBrady Dec 2013 #118

Really, not to have a "sad" face until after Christmas? nenagh Dec 2013 #64

Sounds like a very selfish person -- you have already shown enormous strength if KurtNYC Dec 2013 #142

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Hang in there! raging moderate Dec 2013 #6

I am sorry Nictuku Dec 2013 #7

This message was self-deleted by its author lostincalifornia Dec 2013 #8

OMG. closeupready Dec 2013 #14

It is a question of survival, and her children's well being. No way to sugar coat it lostincalifornia Dec 2013 #17

Unless she makes more. Then he should do the same. closeupready Dec 2013 #24

I doubt that he will find much standing with a jury or Judge if the OP hires a good bluestate10 Dec 2013 #36

+1 for the sake of the kids get the phone messages from communal line and take everything he's got big_dog Dec 2013 #30

+1 Close out any joint credit cards KurtNYC Dec 2013 #143

get mercuryblues Dec 2013 #9

Yes. The first thing that she must do is hire a damned good lawyer. The OP kept her bluestate10 Dec 2013 #33

How long have you been separated? FarCenter Dec 2013 #10

So sorry, but you will get through it eventually and emerge stronger. Shrike47 Dec 2013 #12

Exactly... sendero Dec 2013 #40

You have my sympathy. Laelth Dec 2013 #13

I'm so sorry... Phentex Dec 2013 #15

i am so sorry. i hope it all works out Liberal_in_LA Dec 2013 #16

{{hugs}} Delphinus Dec 2013 #19

If he cheated on you, the mother of his two children, he will cheat on her. It's almost a given. monmouth3 Dec 2013 #20

Same thing happened to my aunt LittleBlue Dec 2013 #21

Please, please, PLEASE keep this in the forefront of your thoughts: Lizzie Poppet Dec 2013 #22

Best thing that ever happened to me was to find out. broiles Dec 2013 #23

I hope it's just manopause. lpbk2713 Dec 2013 #25

I am single, but one realism that I live with and keep in mind is that if I ever got married, bluestate10 Dec 2013 #32

Like Paul Newman said ... lpbk2713 Dec 2013 #45

From what others are saying, it sounds as if there is a light at the hedgehog Dec 2013 #28

Lady, please, for the sake of your sons, gather yourself. bluestate10 Dec 2013 #29

I'm so sorry. Doremus Dec 2013 #31

This message was self-deleted by its author Warren DeMontague Dec 2013 #34

I'm so sorry your life and your sons' lives are Cha Dec 2013 #35

Been there OldHippieChick Dec 2013 #37

I have to second this strongly. Protect yourself. He is at sea and unreliable...you have to CTyankee Dec 2013 #41

Same thing happened to me cliffordu Dec 2013 #38

your children will still love their father and see himj. grasswire Dec 2013 #39

You are suffering through a loss... StarryNite Dec 2013 #42

So sorry to hear that. Kaleva Dec 2013 #43

Hold your head up, take care of yourself, thecrow Dec 2013 #44

Hire a lawyer & kick his ass out - TBF Dec 2013 #47

Retain a lawyer MrScorpio Dec 2013 #49

If you are in FL, you are in what is considered a long term marriage, so you should glowing Dec 2013 #50

Thank you. LukeFL Dec 2013 #129

First, just breathe. Many of us have been there and there is no pain in the world like it. 1monster Dec 2013 #51

I am so, so sorry distantearlywarning Dec 2013 #52

Most of us understand at least partially by our own experience BlueJazz Dec 2013 #54

I've been there and I know what it feels like passiveporcupine Dec 2013 #55

Sorry that your are being put through such pain rudolph the red Dec 2013 #56

I am gonna go the other way here.... Bennyboy Dec 2013 #57

No, no and, in case you missed it: NO. ladyVet Dec 2013 #85

that BS only works if both sides are willing to work on it hard enough. hobbit709 Dec 2013 #124

Agreed, both sides need to work on it...... Bennyboy Dec 2013 #126

I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with this crap. giftedgirl77 Dec 2013 #58

I hope you will let someone help you. Half-Century Man Dec 2013 #59

been there.... madrchsod Dec 2013 #60

*hugs* sakabatou Dec 2013 #61

I know you're getting a lot of advice here... kag Dec 2013 #62

It sucks Go Vols Dec 2013 #63

Post removed Post removed Dec 2013 #65

Some things in life transcend politics. This one of them. badtoworse Dec 2013 #69

Wow, imagine if someone said the same thing about women. Classy. n-t Logical Dec 2013 #74

Neither Obama or Bill Clinton got a majority of the White Male vote.... Spitfire of ATJ Dec 2013 #84

I didn't pick up from the OP that her husband is white Capt. Obvious Dec 2013 #102

Some things are universal.... Spitfire of ATJ Dec 2013 #115

Plenty of women cheat too. n/t distantearlywarning Dec 2013 #80

omg, I've so been there. huge hugs to you. laundry_queen Dec 2013 #66

I hope you can quickly find some peace. AuntFester Dec 2013 #67

You aren't the first woman this has happened to and you won't be the last. Warpy Dec 2013 #68

I told him to leave the house LukeFL Dec 2013 #91

Here is all I can give you that Sissyk Dec 2013 #117

Lawyer up. Warpy Dec 2013 #128

File for legal seperation.....ASAP! Protect yourself! SammyWinstonJack Dec 2013 #132

Was it in anger or haste? thecrow Dec 2013 #133

It's the first time I do this LukeFL Dec 2013 #135

...about your sons.... thecrow Dec 2013 #139

And what right do you think she has to do this? Drahthaardogs Dec 2013 #140

I told her first thecrow Dec 2013 #146

Here's wishing you nothing but the best! nt Demo_Chris Dec 2013 #70

I am so sorry for you. I hope that you can recover from this blow. badtoworse Dec 2013 #71

I am so sorry. RiffRandell Dec 2013 #72

Get a lawyer. Immediately. Remove every single piece of.paper that documents income, taxes msanthrope Dec 2013 #73

I went through this - in 840high Dec 2013 #75

I know what you're going through. mia Dec 2013 #76

So sorry- lots of good counsel here. roody Dec 2013 #77

Feels like a sledgehammer doesn't it..... alittlelark Dec 2013 #78

CORRECTION: the worst day of your life was yesterday, when you did NOT know that you are on the LaydeeBug Dec 2013 #79

^^^THIS^^^ alittlelark Dec 2013 #86

^^^This!^^^ Surya Gayatri Dec 2013 #113

I'm so sorry this happened to you. bravenak Dec 2013 #81

I'm so sorry LukeFL. polly7 Dec 2013 #82

Very sorry to hear that. You've been given some great advice on this thread. Captain Stern Dec 2013 #83

Awful thing to happen. Sorry you're having to deal with it. Tigress DEM Dec 2013 #87

Oh, honey Hekate Dec 2013 #89

Pay close attention to what has already been said here SheilaT Dec 2013 #90

If you want to really jar him back into reality, B Calm Dec 2013 #92

Sorry, I see that as bad advice. randome Dec 2013 #101

I guess we'll have to disagree. 20 years is a lot of time to B Calm Dec 2013 #111

Not everyone is open to being 'woken up'. But congrats to you for being one of them! randome Dec 2013 #112

Some good suggestions here. I encourage you to hire a barracuda lawyer ASAP. raccoon Dec 2013 #93

Sorry for what you're going through. randome Dec 2013 #94

Stop beating up on yourself at this very minute. mstinamotorcity2 Dec 2013 #96

Hugs. idwiyo Dec 2013 #97

{{{LukeFL}}} leftynyc Dec 2013 #99

I'm sorry. LWolf Dec 2013 #100

This sucks - and you're going to be grieving for a while Capt. Obvious Dec 2013 #103

I agree with the no 'revenge' thing. HappyMe Dec 2013 #108

this happened to me in 6 months ago irisblue Dec 2013 #104

It's called Middle Aged Crazy and it happens. I have some practical thoughts for you. MADem Dec 2013 #105

I hope the love being sent to you by our DU community helps in some small way. Tom Rinaldo Dec 2013 #106

Some very good advice in this thread. 99Forever Dec 2013 #109

LukeFL, the essential person in this dramatic triangle is you... Surya Gayatri Dec 2013 #110

Sorry to hear this...Been there maddezmom Dec 2013 #114

This message was self-deleted by its author polichick Dec 2013 #120

He has no idea what he is asking for. gulliver Dec 2013 #121

"The worst day" is now over - things will get better from here... polichick Dec 2013 #122

I feel sad for you BUT SoCalDem Dec 2013 #125

She is not getting the man you married. She is getting the much used model. searchingforlight Dec 2013 #127

Just wanted to check in. distantearlywarning Dec 2013 #130

Be prepared mercuryblues Dec 2013 #131

Do you get along with his parents? thecrow Dec 2013 #134

well you have one heck of a support group Omaha Steve Dec 2013 #136

How are you doing tonight LukeFL? Keeping you in my thoughts riderinthestorm Dec 2013 #137

I am so sorry, LukeFL... derby378 Dec 2013 #138

I'm so sorry this happened to you. AverageJoe90 Dec 2013 #141

. myrna minx Dec 2013 #144

I'm so sorry. Cleita Dec 2013 #145