A gay perspective on masculine and male related issues (and leering). [View all]

[Kurska]

Last edited Tue Dec 24, 2013, 01:40 PM - Edit history (5)

(I know this is a little long, but it is a heartfelt and I hope you take the time to read it).

I want to start this OP by recognizing something. Men do have it easier in our society generally. To be a man means to be more secure in your safety and position in society. There are few career paths where men would feel entirely out of place. To be male is to be born with an advantage in terms of possible achievement, no one is contesting that.

However, I find it incredibly offensive that some people seem to believe that, in regards to gender issues in our society, men should just shut up and listen to feminine perspective. There has been a recent blow up related to leering and unwanted visual attention from men to females, I do believe that is a very important discussion to have. Women are often subjected to unwanted sexual advances, including leering, this behavior is clearly unacceptable. That said, I'm highly disturbed by the contention that I occasionally see that states that men do not have valid input into this discussion. Some people seem to believe that women, as the vulnerable group in this instance, exclusively deserve to define the terms of what is or isn't appropriate behavior. I do not believe that is true and I believe that such a stance is highly counterproductive to actually coming up with reasonable and meaningful solutions to such problems.

I believe this, because I believe that each gender has very distinct and real issues related to what it means to male and what it means to be female. I think this belief is vindicated by the experiences of many of my transgendered friends, who often have to navigate a minefield of gender expectations that they are sometimes unprepared for (both FTM and MTF). I'm not female, so I don't believe I'm qualified to speak very expertly on the intricacies of what society expects from them. However, as a gay man I feel that I was often caught up in what society often unfairly expects from men. To be male in our society does give great advantages, but it does not impart total liberty from the negative effects of gender roles. Men are expected to bottle up their emotions and greatly punished if they do not. To be male far too much means you need to "suck it up" or "take it like a man", when in reality your soul and your psyche could be greatly wounded. To be a man in a traditional breadwinner role often means a heavy and overwhelming sense of obligation to provide at all times a comfortable life for those who depend on you. In such difficult economic times, this can be impossible. I've known good men destroyed from the inside by their inability to provide for their family, despite their best efforts, as "real men" are supposed to do no matter what. These issues are only amplified when you are a man with more feminine interests, as is often the case in the gay community (but by no means is always true). I find that in society there is a massive lack of positive representations of men with effeminate sides. Far too often are feminine men are cast as the duplicitous villain or laughable joke in our popular culture. These issues are of course a mirror of what women with more masculine traits tend to suffer, but that doesn't change the fact that there are some gender expectations that are harmful, yet mainly damaging to men (though of course the majority of gender expectations do seem to be aimed at women).

Thus, it is my contention that both genders are indeed harmed by the corrosive and overwhelming expectations that our very flawed society puts on men and women. I think it is important to keep in mind that when we discuss gender issues that men are not just the oppressor and women are not just the victim. Both men and women sometimes feel overwhelmed and unable to cope with what our society expects from them just because they have two X's or a Y chromosome. When we discuss issues related to harmful gender roles and gender based behavior, it would be best if this was a two way discussion. I want very much to hear about what in our society makes women uncomfortable to be women, because I want very badly to fix those situations. I also would like for when such issues come up, for my voice as a man to be heard and valued. I've already typed rather alot, but as a gay man sometimes I feel that such negative behavior toward females is expected. When I was growing up, I sometimes had to put on a brave face and make sexual comments about females to my friends. I was forced in many ways to look along with the group at attractive females and I'm not proud to say that sometimes I felt I needed to engage in the kind of leering/cat calling behavior that is so destructive to females, just so I wouldn't face social isolation as a result "Why aren't you checking her out, you queer or something?". I believe that most men are good people who wouldn't engage in negative behaviors toward females if in many ways they were not forcibly programmed to by society. Women get the worse end by far, but men too are damaged by these kinds of expectations.

I think that only by coming together and having open and honest discussion about masculine and feminine issues, with input from both sides, can we reach social harmony in relation to gender. Therefore, I think that any call for men to "shut up and listen" is probably more counterproductive than helpful. Lets talk frankly and honestly with each other about these kinds of negative behaviors, because that is probably the only way we're ever going to overcome them.

If you read all this I thank you, I hope you find some value in what I've said.