Just another ordinary day in paradise. [View all]

[davidthegnome]

I woke up this morning, to the sound of rain falling outside my window. Soft tapping on the metal roof of my family's home here in Northern Maine. At first it was nice, the gentle, rhythmic sound of the rain. Then I abruptly realized that it meant the road would be even worse than it had been yesterday - which was already very icy. You see, the driveway is on a slight incline that is covered with about three inches of ice. Despite buying fifty pounds of ice melt and tripping all over the place trying to create walking space, I still have to wear these "grippers" (rubber shoes with spikes in them that go over your shoes) to get up and down the driveway. If I tried to park in it, I'd never get out, so walking to the end of the driveway is necessary any time I want to go somewhere - as my car is parked in a very slight spot just off the side of the road.

As I have on many days, I'll choose my steps with great caution to make my way to my car. Then, even more carefully, I'll attempt to drive down the three miles of the road I live on to reach the highway. Last Saturday I went off the road four times just making the attempt (I had gone maybe a mile, at five MPH) and had to call in to work - the Boss wasn't happy, but there was nothing I could do. Now provided nothing happens and that I can somehow make it to the main roads, I should be able to make it the thirty miles to work. I wonder some times though, how people without snow tires fare. I had to borrow 450 dollars for mine, and I still can barely make it anywhere.

In any event, I'll eventually (hopefully) make it to work at a semi-local hotel. The knowledge that I have bills that are overdue will be dragging my heels, the knowledge that I'm making eight dollars an hour will be filling my head with thoughts of disaster... what if the car breaks down? What if I get sick? No health insurance, can't afford even the day off from work I was forced to take on Saturday. What if I get fired? My boss is increasingly angry and stressed lately - and does not hesitate to yell and threaten. It is very easy to make a mistake when you're working with computer systems, answering phones, and generally trying to manage the front desk of a hotel without breaking anything.

When I woke this morning, there were tears in my eyes, as there are on most mornings - I don't know if it's a sleep thing, or just the knowledge of another ordinary day that makes me sad. Perhaps the feelings and thoughts I normally shove down somewhere dark inside of me emerge at night and are slow to leave in the morning as I groan my way downstairs to make coffee.

The place that holds my car loan is calling every day - I'm a month behind. I have to decide this Friday if I want to beg my parents for help, or take my computer back to the rental place, as I can't afford both payments. If I miss another day of work, poor road conditions or not, I suspect that I'll be let go, which will make the issue moot as I'll lose both.

There is an overwhelming feeling of depression and anxiety that slows my steps even more than the caution of (literally) walking on ice. While I'm giving it everything I've got to shrug off my sadness, just getting ready for work feels like climbing Mt Everest.

I share all of this here because I wonder how many of us feel the same way. There has to be something better, a better way to live, something to inspire hope, ambition, motivation.

Earlier in my youth I sought a way out of this working class misery, thinking perhaps to become a monk or some such thing, as I'm given to quiet reflection and love to read. What stopped me is the fact that I'm agnostic, or perhaps "gnostic" is the proper description. I believe in what my senses tell me, and to some extent, in what I feel inside. I have long been convinced that there is too much misery in this world for me to believe in a higher power.

I feel as if I'm hanging from the edge of a cliff, my hands clinging to a rock wall so hard they bleed - sooner or later, I fear I'm going to slip and lose whatever measure of sanity and hope remains to me.

Forgive my venting, I'm sure many of you have lives that suck worse. There are people who are starving, who are without homes, without warmth, without love in their lives. I have a wonderful family and a place to live, for now at least, I'm safe in the knowledge that my parents will keep food on the table. At twenty-nine years of age though, I feel that I shouldn't have to rely on them for help. In a society that tends to judge a man by the strength of his ambition, by his work ethic, by his ability to take care of at least himself, I often feel a miserable failure.

There are things to be grateful for, all around me, but somehow, this does not lift the depression that seems to follow me around like a dark cloud.