Just another ordinary day in paradise.

[davidthegnome]

24. This is part of the reason I love reading so much.

As a small boy, there were various reasons that I wanted to escape my circumstances (yeah, even then) and I often did so at the local library. My problems all seemed small in comparison to, say, Frodo's quest to destroy the one ring, or Robinson Crusoe's mighty effort to survive and eventually escape his deserted island. Stories of mythical and/or legendary and fantastical heroes have always been my favorites, perhaps because they have the power to do what I can only dream of. Yeah, I'm something of a nerd.

Reality IS harsh - and it is especially so when you are poor and working. You're right about normal relationships becoming difficult, about the overwhelming stress... not being able to do those "normal" things people do. A few weeks ago, I had my first date in several months - and being old fashioned in some regards, I insisted on paying for everything she would let me pay for. The day after that date - I realized that, damn, I'm too poor to date. I had to skip a car payment for a week. I have to manage my bills weekly, as I get paid weekly and the money runs really fast.

Every day I am in service to those who have far more money than me. Some times I look at them and wonder what life is like when you have a career you can take pride in, when you have true hope and purpose - when you can see a future that does not look grim. I envy them. My parents have good careers, college educations, nice cars and a nice home. They fall under average working middle class. I am deeply grateful to them, but some times I catch myself envying them, too.

Payday loans... god those things are awful. They can help you get out of a bind, but they will screw you in the end. Screw you real bad. My Father makes pretty decent money, but after a couple of payday loans, he nearly went under himself. It's just a matter of living paycheck to paycheck, trying to balance and juggle so many things...

When I was a child, I hated being a child. I couldn't wait to grow up, so that people would not bully me anymore for being shy, quiet, awkward - and a little chubby. Now that I am more or less an adult... I realize that the bullying not only continues, but becomes even worse, it is simply somewhat more subtle. I was reminded of this tonight when my Boss yelled at me, for managing to knock the phone off the desk (I was reaching for a pen with the phone in my hand, and the cord is small, so... whoops) and ranted, "Are you a klutz? Do you break everything you touch?" I didn't know if the boss was joking or not, so I shrugged and said, "Yeah, I guess I'm clumsy."

Little things, but eventually they add up until I feel like screaming - and I actually do scream, some times, in the car, with the music up. It's somewhat therapeutic.

I'm lonely, but I love my family. I'm poor, but I'm surviving. I hate my job - but I do have a job. So many others live in circumstances far worse than my own, that I have to remind myself frequently that it could always be worse. Perhaps it helps keep me going. There are days when I really despise myself for complaining too much. Still, if I don't occasionally open that little bottle of emotions and let something out, I'll end up a ranting madman (more so than I am already).

I can picture myself wandering the streets naked, an algebra book in my hand instead of the bible, as I speak to people in numbers to warn them of the end times. Ugh. I don't know if that made any sense.

I'm tired, this working poor shit really takes a lot out of you. My feet hurt, I'm hungry, frustrated and depressed... and I have to go do this crap all over again tomorrow.

I don't even dream of winning the lottery anymore. I figure if I always expect the worst, my surprises will be pleasant.