Oh boy! I just called the cops on my neighbors.

[Phlem]

112. That is just horrible.

It sounds similar to me except your's started earlier and I didn't have physical ailments on top of that! I can feel it through your writing. My mother was fresh out of the jungle in the Philippines and had no idea of anything and when she married my stepfather all hell broke loose, and yes we do remember back to then, I wish they were good memories, but I guess trauma literally burns it in..

The bullying happened at home 24/7 so when I got to school I was ready and full of anger. I beat up a lot of assholes in my time but was never the less concerned about how far I might go so I would, at times, hold back.

But yea, no nurturing, no affection, always hiding, yadda yadda yadda, you know.

I kind of did self parenting on my own cause I learned early on that no one was going to take care of me except myself. Talked to the man high above every night and sometimes during the day. And just to let you know I'm spiritual, not religious. Still, sometimes some uncanny weird shit happened usually for the better but none the less, I'd still fuck it up somehow.

" I'm single now and working on re-parenting and self-care/self-discipline skills." exactly what I went and still am going through because like you said, some things we were never taught. My therapist was great fortunately, but this "gift" of "hyper vigilance" is a weird one for me to digest.

Sounds like I'm the lucky one in this scenario because I'm still in my first marriage even @ 48. We fight of course but she is dedicated to me and I to her. When we had our little girl my life changed for the better. I could see what I never got when I'm with her. I've made it my point to giver all of me as father, not like waiting on her hand and foot, but guiding her through life and keeping her as happy a little girl as I can. I think, maybe as other parents do, that no matter how much they grow up, they are always your baby.

But it is an example of my therapy because before that, we argued like cats and dogs (she is a first born too) and were on the verge of a divorce. We went to couples counseling and that's when the therapist diagnosed my PTSD.
After much work we're all in a happy place now, knock on wood.

Stick with your therapy please, you too can have a happy ending. I personally know it can happen.

If you ever need to talk, I hang out around these parts daily.

Take care friend and thanks for sharing, I know it can be tough sometimes.



-p