I dare to write about: Men and Women Today [View all]

[BellaKos]

I recognize that I am embarking on a foolish enterprise, but I am qualified to make observations about this chosen subject. I am female, but my my oldest, childhood friend is male. I have close friendships with my brother and male, first cousin. I have been married 36 years this March. I recall my 1968 subscription to "Glamor" magazine which published articles about how to defer to the "male ego" as well as my 1974 subscription to "Ms Magazine" which said not to. I believe in gender equality and was a participant in the "sexual revolution" of the 60s and 70s, so my experience with men before marriage was vast -- if I do say so myself.

I begin with men. Behind every male facade -- from macho to musical -- lurks a truly sensitive soul. Men are far more romantic, sentimental, and imaginative about relationships with women than women realize. The "male ego" written about in the 1960s was nothing more than another vehicle to perpetuate male hierarchy, but it did allude to a truth. And the truth is that men are extremely sensitive and easily hurt. In addition, an American man lives in a society that demands that he perform according to materialistic standards. From childhood, he is trained to achieve grades, awards, the cool car, the degree, money, and other tangible signposts in order to garner society's approval. First mommy. Then teacher. Then employer. Then mate. But as the years go by, when he has realized that he never will reach the pinnacle of his dreams as an astronaut or cowboy or rock star or CEO or PHD, he feels a sense of failure on a personal level. That sense of loss may be hidden even from himself, but it is there because tangible, worldly achievement is what he was trained and nurtured to acquire.

Women, on the other hand, are far more realistic and down-to-earth. For instance, when a man presents a box of chocolates to his lover for Valentine's Day, he is an actor performing in a romantic scene, first conjured in his imagination. In contrast, a woman is quickly calculating the calories in each piece of candy. Women are more aware of life's consequences. She is, innately, as strong and ferocious as a lioness when defending newborn cubs. Men don't realize this, of course, because women keep that feature of themselves hidden. It's just not practical to be ferocious in routine, mundane situations every day. (Besides, it's not that difficult to express ferocity at a moment's notice -- if the situation should require it, of course.)

Despite the valiant efforts of the women's movement that flourished in the 1970s, however, nothing much has changed in American society. At least in terms of values, that is. There are still commercials about lipstick and laundry detergent geared to perpetuate the same ol' value system. The message is to be beautiful and dutiful -- just like June Cleaver who vacuumed the floor while perfectly dressed in high heels and pearls. There is still the young beauty flirting with the late night talk show host -- who is male and who continues to spout the same ol' sexual innuendos about her legs, breasts, and clothes. And she continues to act as if she's delighted by his attention and approval. On "Morning Joe," it is apparent that Mika works at her looks -- while no male on the show does. She decries unequal pay between professional women and men, yet she continues to "play the part" of the familiar bimbo sitting next to the male host. And speaking of pay equity, forty years ago, a woman made 60 cents to a man's dollar. Now, it's 75 cents to the dollar. Whoo Hoo. We've "come a long way, baby."

At the same time, women have achieved worldly success. Women have become astronauts, rock stars, PHDs, hospital and academic administrators, government officials and politicians. There are a few CEOs and even one or two Presidential prospects. On the other hand, women seem in competition with each other. And still, the question of "who is the fairest in the land" prevails. Women celebrities in their sixties and seventies strive mightily to achieve the luster of beauty and sexual attractiveness of youth. Signs of age peek relentlessly underneath carefully fashioned locks of carefully dyed hair. Wrinkles have been stretched to make mouths and cheeks and chins unrecognizable. Bodies have been sculpted with painful surgery and relentless exercise. Is there no such thing as aging gracefully anymore?

And women "on the ground," so to speak, have more mundane issues as fodder for their competitions. A stay-at-home mom is considered less than a woman who achieves success in a career. Is the rearing of a future generation less of a contribution to society than a paycheck? Are all the required, domestic chores not worth anything? How much does it cost to hire babysitters, house cleaners, dog sitters, bookkeepers, drivers, counselors, and tutors on the open market? Just askin'?
But the choice to pursue a career while assuming the duties of motherhood is scrutinized and even questioned in some circles. That's also outrageous. Are the critics psychic? Are they capable of peering behind the closed doors of a household to make a judgment about how somebody *else* manages her time? Just askin'.

Are we so blind that we cannot see that diminishing others is the same as diminishing ourselves? An individual's choice is her right. No question about that.

But the youth ... the young, young women of the texting, tweeting, twerking world -- seem to be terribly confused. They have conflated self-expression with self-exploitation. They demean themselves as they eagerly attempt to outdo each other in how "sexy" they can dress or how willing they are to accommodate ... If Myley Cyrus is nude in a music video, then they seem to sense that society -- or their "electronic society" -- requires them to express even more nudity. Gender equality is the prevalent rhetoric, but the actions of many contradict that ideal. How can there be gender equality if one gender has no self-respect?

And what of men? Sensitive, sentimental men. Baby-boomer men were supposed to command spaceships to the moon, but instead lost their jobs in their fifties. Younger generations expect their wives or girlfriends to contribute a paycheck, but still rarely help out with the dishes or the laundry or the childcare or the housework. Not really, anyway. And when women complain, they don't understand. They really don't. They are sentimental fools who will do anything for you if you flatter them and appreciate them and listen to them and defer to their "male egos." It's manipulative. I personally refuse. And in conversations with the men in my life -- my husband, brother, cousin, and childhood friend -- I even have gone to the extent of explaining exactly how it is that women can manipulate them. I explain that it is their weakness -- their Achilles's heel -- and the sooner they become aware of it, the better.

There are women here who have cited examples of how they have been mistreated by men. Injustice in the workplace. Physical, emotional abuse at home. Crimes of rape or being molested. Thanks to the work of feminists in the past, there are laws against all of that now. It is, at least, illegal, although still not rare. Pain -- trauma -- suffering at the hands of an oppressor cannot be overcome easily. There is a knot of anger that sits at the bottom of the soul seemingly forever. And that festering and raw emotion is vented inappropriately, sometimes. That's understandable when pain has not healed completely, but think twice when the urge to lash out overcomes you. Not all oppressors are men. And not all men are oppressors.

Gender equality is possible if men see women as people. And women see men as people.

Needless to say, all people deserve respect.