Not the Onion: Mormons Declare War on Masturbation [View all]

[LongTomH]

Good God, they're serious: Mormons Declar War on Masturbation.

Think that's the living end of self-parody? Read on:

A PSA starring Brigham Young University president Kim B. Clark compares ignoring a masturbating roommate to leaving your war buddy behind on the battlefield:

"The enemy whispers 'Don’t get involved, it’s not your problem.' Brothers and sisters, don't leave the wounded on the battlefield."

The crazy is strong in this one!!!!!

Here's the actual Public (snark!) service announcement:

The "Guide to Self-Control" excerpt from the Mormon pamphlet sounds like pages from the Boy Scout manual of the 1950s.

4) When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.

Sounds like great recruitment material for the Mormons, doesn't it? All ya gotta do is:

• Give up all sex outside marriage
  
• Give up masturbation

Of course, the Devil can still send you 'wet dreams' and nocturnal emissions.