Not the Onion: Mormons Declare War on Masturbation

[hunter]

56. Marry young, have lots of kids.

Grow the religion!

That's how this works.

One amazing thing about those who practice these sorts of traditional (and repressive) religious sexual and marriage rituals (not just Mormons!) is how the first child is often born completely developed and of normal weight after just six months of pregnancy, not nine!

My siblings and I knew all about sex, birth control, etc., years before we cared much about it. None of us had kids as teenagers, or even before we were out on our own and in stable living situations. None of us were "forced" into marriage as a consequence of sexual longings or misadventures. Even as reckless teens with minds not fully adult we mostly knew what we were doing.

We had a Mormon neighbor when I was a teen, he didn't know anything. He either stole (or maybe my mom was worried about him and gave him...) a somewhat explicit book about human sexuality. It had pictures. His parents found the book a few weeks later and he was banned from our household.

Such banishments were nothing new in our house.

While my mom and her friends were still nursing their younger children, well into toddler hood, they didn't cover up much; they would nurse a hungry kid anywhere, anytime.

I remember one of my neighborhood playmates, we were about ten, STARING at my mom and my youngest brother. I'm certain he'd never seen or even imagined anything like that.

After that he became yet another kid who wasn't allowed to visit our home.