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Blue Idaho

(5,500 posts)

78. Tugging Private Ryan...

Mon Feb 24, 2014, 06:25 PM

Feb 2014

This is my dick. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
My dick is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
My dick, without me, is useless. Without my dick, I am useless. I must fire my dick true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will...
My dick and I know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...
My dick is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will keep my dick clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...
Before God, I swear this creed. My dick and I are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.
So be it, until victory is America's and there is no enemy.

Can I have an amen Bishop Clark?

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Highlight:

Not the Onion: Mormons Declare War on Masturbation [View all] LongTomH Feb 2014 OP

lol, boxing gloves as sleep wear. loli phabay Feb 2014 #1

.... Cha Feb 2014 #123

Bunch of jerks. riqster Feb 2014 #2

You're very clever with words riqster Auntie Bush Feb 2014 #9

A real master debator. nt awoke_in_2003 Feb 2014 #76

Those Mormons shouldn't jerk people around like this. LeftofObama Feb 2014 #26

Agreed. They speak of soldiers, but neglect the seamen. riqster Feb 2014 #29

This whole sordid tale makes me want to cry so I reached beside the bed for a Kleenex, LeftofObama Feb 2014 #33

... Sweet Freedom Feb 2014 #58

That's a bit dipsydoodle Feb 2014 #3

Out of hand, too, perhaps. riqster Feb 2014 #8

Definety... daleanime Feb 2014 #34

Like being waked up by obscene phone callers. The ones who called late at night with: freshwest Feb 2014 #71

Best. Reply. Ever. riqster Feb 2014 #74

A friend had a very persistent one. Where we worked, we had to have our home numbers listed. freshwest Feb 2014 #87

Brilliant. riqster Feb 2014 #88

Count me in as part of the Resistance to this! joeybee12 Feb 2014 #4

active resistance perhaps loli phabay Feb 2014 #6

I won't sleep until the enemy has been 'beaten"... joeybee12 Feb 2014 #7

I see you have the situation in hand, loli phabay Feb 2014 #15

Let's form a group: "Folks Against Prudes." 1000words Feb 2014 #31

You wins the Internets!!!! riqster Feb 2014 #36

if you're crazy enough to fall for their other comedy gold, you might fall for this one NightWatcher Feb 2014 #5

In the argot of the addict, they'll beat it, cold jerky . . . Journeyman Feb 2014 #10

In my experience, ignoring a masturbating roommate is the polite thing to do Tom Ripley Feb 2014 #11

Unless they want you to join in too! wocaonimabi Feb 2014 #20

There is that. Tom Ripley Feb 2014 #23

Well, the PSA DOES say to "Reach out in the spirit of love" pinboy3niner Feb 2014 #32

Should have been "stop in the name of love". riqster Feb 2014 #37

Then again, you may be milking this joke for too much. nt pinboy3niner Feb 2014 #47

Well, spurts fans, that's how the balls bounce, I guess. riqster Feb 2014 #49

I saw your name and can't resist given the subject.... ProudToBeBlueInRhody Feb 2014 #73

Perfect! Tom Ripley Feb 2014 #85

That is creepy davidpdx Feb 2014 #125

The polite thing to do is do it in private. Auntie Bush Feb 2014 #79

Huh. Let us know how that works out for y'all. nt Zorra Feb 2014 #12

Usual asnwer to this is dipsydoodle Feb 2014 #13

lol, yup its my Willie. loli phabay Feb 2014 #16

So their view is I see myself as a sex object? The Straight Story Feb 2014 #14

depends if you close your eyes or have the lights on loli phabay Feb 2014 #18

"Put a helmet on that soldier!!!" Iggo Feb 2014 #17

LMAO Solly Mack Feb 2014 #19

The sad irony is: This is the type of shit my generation was fed growing up. LongTomH Feb 2014 #21

Yeah, good luck with that. nt Deep13 Feb 2014 #22

But these views must be respected... Egalitarian Thug Feb 2014 #24

respected, then ignored and laughed at. loli phabay Feb 2014 #43

But they speak for the invisible man in the sky that needs money... Egalitarian Thug Feb 2014 #50

ive always thought that you can respect peoples views no matter how nuts but disagree with it loli phabay Feb 2014 #54

If only they would keep their sick fantasies to themselves. Egalitarian Thug Feb 2014 #55

yup as long as people dont force others i got no problem with their nuttiness. loli phabay Feb 2014 #57

I have no respect for those views. Vashta Nerada Feb 2014 #89

Oh, I suppose a 'libertarian' like you would just LET people masturbate. Warren DeMontague Feb 2014 #116

Cum on ... we can beat this thing! 1000words Feb 2014 #25

Worst. Roommates. Ever. Warren DeMontague Feb 2014 #27

Except that it never once mentions masturbation. Common Sense Party Feb 2014 #28

Sigh!!! Read the article again: LongTomH Feb 2014 #42

That's from the Boy Scout manual, from what I read. Common Sense Party Feb 2014 #44

Read again! It's from the Mormon pamphlet! LongTomH Feb 2014 #51

Gotcha, I missed that. I saw the video posted elsewhere the other week, Common Sense Party Feb 2014 #62

Except it was made in reaction to a BYU-I speech this year and from the March Ensign of THIS year FreeState Feb 2014 #75

"normal toilet processes"... awoke_in_2003 Feb 2014 #80

Sounds like things are getting out of hand with the Mormons. Rex Feb 2014 #30

Well, then! It's all hands on... KansDem Feb 2014 #35

Don't forget: Earth_First Feb 2014 #38

So I'm going to hell temporary311 Feb 2014 #40

lol, and he seems to approve, so soldier on. loli phabay Feb 2014 #45

While reading suggestion #5... skypilot Feb 2014 #39

Is this part of a recruitment campaign? Seems counter-intuitive. Shrike47 Feb 2014 #41

Someone have a really interesting missionary roommate? Coyotl Feb 2014 #46

And black rubbers for their shoes! riqster Feb 2014 #52

If this post isn't a satire, it should be. nt ladjf Feb 2014 #48

like this? central scrutinizer Feb 2014 #103

Well, guess I'll have to turn myself in Blue Owl Feb 2014 #53

Marry young, have lots of kids. hunter Feb 2014 #56

Gotta hand it to them, they don't go for the soft targets! n/t TygrBright Feb 2014 #59

*** Warren DeMontague Feb 2014 #105

No wonder Mormons are encouraged to have, like, 15 kids, Aristus Feb 2014 #60

No one wants to join? Think again.. demwing Feb 2014 #86

due to high birth rate. defacto7 Feb 2014 #96

Got any data on that? demwing Feb 2014 #98

I admit I spoke loosely... defacto7 Feb 2014 #118

Nope.. but here are some facts though.... defacto7 Feb 2014 #121

My point is not whether the Mormons ranked #1 demwing Feb 2014 #129

In this comment, you did refute the commenter's claim defacto7 Feb 2014 #131

This anti masturbation thing is getting out of hand. bravenak Feb 2014 #61

Are They Trying to Put "The Onion" Out Of Business? colsohlibgal Feb 2014 #63

They misunderstand Token Republican Feb 2014 #64

The Mormon magic underwear doesn't set up a protective force field? tanyev Feb 2014 #65

I can only imagine the "research" TBF Feb 2014 #67

Burn my draft card!!!!!!! Cofitachequi Feb 2014 #66

I'm alright with this. NuclearDem Feb 2014 #68

But what about those that squeeze the banana?? madinmaryland Feb 2014 #112

They're stealing Christine O'Donnell's signature issue! Warren DeMontague Feb 2014 #69

What is the 'great war'? Kingofalldems Feb 2014 #70

Satan versus Jesus for Dominion of Planet Earth as the First Step to a Galactic Empire? freshwest Feb 2014 #72

I guess there are some things that just Jackpine Radical Feb 2014 #77

Tugging Private Ryan... Blue Idaho Feb 2014 #78

Ryan's Privates. WinkyDink Feb 2014 #100

OMG - that is masterful Blue Idaho Feb 2014 #113

:-) WinkyDink Feb 2014 #128

"The Lord segregated the Negro and who is man to change that segregation?" jsr Feb 2014 #81

I sure hope the Santorum gang does not catch on to this , sex only for reasons of procreation and Thinkingabout Feb 2014 #82

These morons are comparing natural human sexuality with nadinbrzezinski Feb 2014 #83

OK, that's it. progressoid Feb 2014 #84

So has the Hall Of Fame. pintobean Feb 2014 #90

They need to stop, they probably masturbate themselves into a coma SummerSnow Feb 2014 #91

If you are going to interrupt me ... JoePhilly Feb 2014 #92

Next Mormon you come accross ask if they are the master of their own domain wocaonimabi Feb 2014 #93

They're nuts. defacto7 Feb 2014 #94

Found this on Pinterest the other day spinbaby Feb 2014 #95

That would do it! Enthusiast Feb 2014 #97

The Christian fear and obsession with sex has repeatedly resulted in barbarisms like this..... LongTomH Feb 2014 #130

Kim B. Clark is clearly A PERV. Because to think like this? Yep. WinkyDink Feb 2014 #99

There's some pretty serious religious sickness going on in this country. n/t RKP5637 Feb 2014 #101

Get married because you're so horny you can't stand it. Manifestor_of_Light Feb 2014 #102

OMG I'm a sinner i tell you, I'm going to hell, I'm a sinner! I wear nothing at night, never RKP5637 Feb 2014 #104

Jacking is a point of pride warrprayer Feb 2014 #106

Can't wait to hear the tabernacle choir sing the manifesto tune for this movement.... MADem Feb 2014 #107

1984 is calling these morons easychoice Feb 2014 #108

Love Cindi Lauper. She's crazy in a good way!! Manifestor_of_Light Feb 2014 #122

What kind of jackoffs would write this? muntrv Feb 2014 #109

We all pull a boner, now and again. 1000words Feb 2014 #110

OMG. pacalo Feb 2014 #111

I guess I'm in big trouble in the eyes of the Mormons. Packerowner740 Feb 2014 #114

Ahahahahahaha! shanti Feb 2014 #115

Mr. Clark certainly has... 3catwoman3 Feb 2014 #117

Some people sure love to stand on the beach Warren DeMontague Feb 2014 #119

I don't see a problem here Omnith Feb 2014 #120

Why don't they just hand out straight jackets for bed time? davidpdx Feb 2014 #124

I single-handedly struggle with my addiction to masturbation! Behind the Aegis Feb 2014 #126

"The pleasure of living and the pleasure of the orgasm are identical. TM99 Feb 2014 #127