Not the Onion: Mormons Declare War on Masturbation

[Manifestor_of_Light]

102. Get married because you're so horny you can't stand it.

Yeah, that's a real good formula for a happy marriage.

And have lots of children you can't afford nor give enough attention to.

Cults come in all sizes.

What do they do about Big Os during dreams? Those are involuntary. And happen in both genders.

Guess Jesus just can't issue you your sex drive with your state-issued screwing license, called a marriage certificate. They're fetishizing a piece of paper.

A marriage certificate won't make your spouse love you, care about you, or respect you or stay with you. It has no magic qualities, contrary to the beliefs of the fundamentalists. Oh, and God won't strike you dead if you engage in sex without possessing one of those magic totemic pieces of paper.

And if you are a female non-virgin, boys will not "throw you away like a used Kleenex because you are damaged goods" as that right-wing nut Ann Landers used to write. She also said that in a movie we watched in high school.

That's incredibly shallow thinking. I believed that crap because my parents never told me anything about sex, nor did the schools, and there were no books around to explain what the male had to do with reproduction. As a female, looking at a cross-section of a limp penis tells you nothing about sex, and that is what it's designed to do--be completely uninformative about the facts of sex. They told us lies in their so-called sex ed movies.