Ukrainian-Russian Tensions Dividing U.S. Citizens Along Ignorant, Apathetic Lines [View all]
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Monday by the Pew Research Center, the escalating conflict between Russia and Ukraine has left Americans sharply and bitterly divided along ignorant and apathetic lines, with the nation’s citizenry evenly split between grossly misinformed and wholly indifferent factions.
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Additionally, nearly half the U.S. public has put forth numerous breathtakingly naive potential solutions to the crisis—which range from economic sanctions on Russia, to economic sanctions on Ukraine, to deploying the U.S. military to the “middle of Asia” to solve the standoff—while an equal number of Americans firmly and repeatedly stated their commitment to not giving a shit one way or the other.
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“It’s incredibly frustrating to try to talk some sense into someone who doesn’t realize that Crimea’s very freedom as an independent nation is at stake,” said completely ignorant San Jose, CA resident Carol Goldmacher, who admitted that she has clashed constantly in the past week over Ukraine with her staunchly apathetic roommate Lisa Suarez. “Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. It’s almost as if she doesn’t even want to hear how Putin was kicked out of Ukraine by his own people and then retaliated by invading Crimea. Frankly, no matter how much I tell her that Obama’s this close to breaking his silence and issuing a warning to Russia, it’s just not getting through to her.”
“The bottom line is that Carol’s views aren’t going to affect my opinion,” said Suarez of her roommate’s constant uneducated opinions about John Kerry’s upcoming trip to Kiev and her bizarre personal assertion that the invasion happened “suspiciously close to the Olympics.” “My mind’s made up, and I completely stand by my lack of interest in this issue. So Carol should just keep her mouth shut and let this situation—whatever it is—play out.”
http://www.theonion.com/articles/ukrainianrussian-tensions-dividing-us-citizens-alo,35428/?ref=auto
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