I went to look at kittehs.

[politicat]

70. We lost one of ours 16 months ago. It can still be hard.

Boycat and Girlcat were together since she was about 14 months old and he was about 3 months old; he was 19 when he started getting creaky. We expected her to go first, since she's a year older and has absolutely no physical reserves (she has weighed between 4-5 pounds since she was 3 years old), but Boycat had a heart problem that roared up. Girlcat loved Boycat quite a lot, but she is definitely an eldest child and always resented that she got a sibling. She may have outlived Boycat just so that she could be an only child again.

Girlcat has some minor issues, but she's still here, still waking us up as soon as the first alarm goes off. (Because, because there might be a wormhole that will suck us into another dimension and then WHO WILL FEEED MEEEEE????!?!!!!) About once a week she seems to recall some place in the house she hasn't investigated to go check to see if Boycat is hiding there. She sits there and calls for him for a few minutes, then comes and yells at one of her humans. Those are the tough days, because we can't convince her that he's not hiding, and we wish he was there, too. There are days when her mild feline dementia is a blessing, because she can't remember, but there are also days when it's cruel, because she can't break out of a loop of looking for Boycat.

It takes time. Your cat child will never not be with you because he lives now in your memory palace. When the time is right for another cat or cats to come to you, they will. If it's not now, that's okay. Sometimes you'll cry and ache. That's okay, too. They sink their little claws and fangs deep into us, and we are forever after better for being allowed the privilege of their lives touching ours.

Be gentle with yourselves, and take the time to grieve. Right now, it hurts an infinite amount, but every day, it's a little less, and one day, that infinite sadness becomes finite. And that's when you know that your memory-cat has found his place in your memory palace, has all the corners marked up to his satisfaction, all the toys under the couch and all the sunny spots mapped out.