General Discussion

me b zola

(19,053 posts)

44. Thank you for asking

Sat Apr 5, 2014, 12:25 AM

Apr 2014

I had almost completed a long and thoughtful response to your question when I lost the entirety of my post

I will begin (again, lol) with the most pressing. I loved~and miss~my adoptive parents. They were really good people who brought a lot of wisdom to me and my life. They were NOT sexually nor physically abusive. They were "normal" and wanted a loving daughter.

I am a little different from most other adoptees as that I questioned what was told to me much younger than many other adoptees that I have read. My natural questions hurt my adoptive parents feelings, although I knew then, and have been vindicated since, was natural for an adoptee.

I don't know exactly what you want to hear. But I can tell you that having your history torn away from you is wrong. Everyone wants to know their history.

I wish you well. If there is something more I can do for you I will be glad to do it. TC

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Epic win for a three year old little boy who narrowly misses being lost to adoption! [View all] me b zola Apr 2014 OP

This is cause for celebration! me b zola Apr 2014 #1

The child will always have scars from losing the adoptive parents he'd bonded with. pnwmom Apr 2014 #2

I have to disagree with you me b zola Apr 2014 #3

This baby had never been with his bio father, so the only father he'd ever bonded with pnwmom Apr 2014 #4

�Maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots.� me b zola Apr 2014 #5

Your experience is your experience and no one can take it from you. pnwmom Apr 2014 #6

Thank you Dorian Gray Apr 2014 #69

babies go thru phases when they fear strangers elehhhhna Apr 2014 #11

Except that the article said he was afraid of his father and not of the father's lawyer. pnwmom Apr 2014 #12

Were they White??? BronxBoy Apr 2014 #15

And of course.... BronxBoy Apr 2014 #17

If smiling is the metric happiness is measured by Bettie Apr 2014 #19

This. IMO, is the biggest obstacle to adoptee rights: me b zola Apr 2014 #20

You are the one who insists over and over Bettie Apr 2014 #22

OMG, please link to when/where ever I have posted that an adoptee can never be happy! me b zola Apr 2014 #25

You said that an adoptee could never bond with adopted parents pnwmom Apr 2014 #31

When you called adoptees who said they were happy liars Bettie Apr 2014 #34

Does 'this person' know the circumstances surround his/her birth? AgingAmerican Apr 2014 #39

This individual has been made aware of the circumstances Bettie Apr 2014 #42

So this person is tainted AgingAmerican Apr 2014 #43

No, this person is forcing himself on her and forcing her to re-live the rape pnwmom Apr 2014 #59

. me b zola Apr 2014 #46

Have you suggested a restraining order to your friend? Nine Apr 2014 #73

She's at that point Bettie Apr 2014 #76

Can you blame the rape victim for not wanting to look into the face of someone pnwmom Apr 2014 #58

NO AgingAmerican Apr 2014 #79

I don't blame the young man pnwmom Apr 2014 #80

"Bitter", honey, is the adjective that those in the adoption industry like to use on adoptees who... me b zola Apr 2014 #45

Fine you win Bettie Apr 2014 #49

Because that is exactly what I said me b zola Apr 2014 #50

you did not deserve the experience you had - elehhhhna Apr 2014 #10

there was the birth mother who tortured and murdered her son JI7 Apr 2014 #13

Clearly, you win the thread me b zola Apr 2014 #21

Yes Yes, I do. Wholeheartedly. mzteris Apr 2014 #41

mzteris, I don't know how foster parents manage that emotional tightrope pnwmom Apr 2014 #62

Torn away? blueamy66 Apr 2014 #68

Children are resilient... BronxBoy Apr 2014 #7

I think it's more likely they covered his head because of the photographers pnwmom Apr 2014 #9

He stepped up..... BronxBoy Apr 2014 #14

Did he help support the mother financially while she was pregnant? pnwmom Apr 2014 #35

you really seem to not like this guy, why? dionysus Apr 2014 #93

I wish he had pursued this IMMEDIATELY, as in March, when the adoption agency called him. pnwmom Apr 2014 #95

ok. but be that as it may, kid looks happy, dad looks happy. seems like it turned out okay. dionysus Apr 2014 #99

Right. Do you think everything turned out okay for the adoptive parents? pnwmom Apr 2014 #118

it's sad for them, for sure, but if they are adults, they will move on.you don't seem to give a crap dionysus Apr 2014 #128

I wish the father had acted sooner to prevent the adoption. I've said repeatedly I agree with pnwmom Apr 2014 #133

If the father never signed away his parental rights avebury Apr 2014 #161

You can't sign away parental rights that you never claimed in the first place. pnwmom Apr 2014 #165

That is complete bull at least in FL where I did 2 adoptions maddezmom Apr 2014 #167

The adoption took place in Missouri, not Florida, and every state has its own adoption laws. pnwmom Apr 2014 #171

So CA and FL are different...bet MO law is as well. maddezmom Apr 2014 #173

Every state is different. They don't all have Putative Father Registries, for example, pnwmom Apr 2014 #175

As usual, he told the adoption agency immediately that he didn't want the adoption. StevieM Apr 2014 #114

That's what he says. But a judge dismissed his lawsuit against the agency. pnwmom Apr 2014 #120

He told them that he didn't want an adoption. That should have been the end of it. StevieM Apr 2014 #129

Immediately? You mean, when he told them no the first time they contacted him? kcr Apr 2014 #137

Do you have evidence for that besides what he's saying now? pnwmom Apr 2014 #139

Looks to me like it was her refusal to go to the doctor Ms. Toad Apr 2014 #24

We're only hearing one side of this, pnwmom Apr 2014 #28

She refused to go to a doctor, and she started the adopting process without telling him muriel_volestrangler Apr 2014 #65

Yeah, he makes her look like a heel. She refused to go to a doctor -- according to him. pnwmom Apr 2014 #90

He told the adoption agency in March he wanted the baby muriel_volestrangler Apr 2014 #102

That's what he says. But a judge has already dismissed his lawsuit against the agency. pnwmom Apr 2014 #103

They thought their desires came before the rights of the baby's father muriel_volestrangler Apr 2014 #105

They didn't know about the father when the adopted the child, and there is no evidence pnwmom Apr 2014 #106

We don't know if they knew before they adopted; we know the agency knew muriel_volestrangler Apr 2014 #110

We don't even KNOW the agency knew. All we KNOW is that the father claims pnwmom Apr 2014 #132

If you think you don't know anything, then why argue this? muriel_volestrangler Apr 2014 #146

Because I don't think people are being fair to the adoptive parents. pnwmom Apr 2014 #149

The baby did not need to be adopted, and the couple knew that at the latest by January muriel_volestrangler Apr 2014 #152

Where did you get the January date? And without their side of the story pnwmom Apr 2014 #154

They lost custody in July; the father spent 6 months going to Missouri for the court muriel_volestrangler Apr 2014 #158

All we have to go on are the father's statements about what he did pnwmom Apr 2014 #163

You call the articles 'biased'; you have no reason to say that muriel_volestrangler Apr 2014 #164

Of course I do. The reporter doesn't say they even got as much as a "no comment" pnwmom Apr 2014 #166

The article in the OP doesn't include "and find out for sure" Ms. Toad Apr 2014 #75

But doctors don't suggest women go in for prenatal care as soon as they get a pregnancy test pnwmom Apr 2014 #107

I doubt either one of them had a clue what doctors might expect Ms. Toad Apr 2014 #130

You don't know how far along you are until you go to the Dr Heddi Apr 2014 #153

They don't say, "let's wait a while." They do say, "when was the date of your last period?" pnwmom Apr 2014 #168

Did you read the link you provided Heddi Apr 2014 #174

Yes, schedule it. It doesn't say schedule it immediately. It says that the first appointment pnwmom Apr 2014 #176

I'm sure race is playing a big part in this although it's not really mentioned malaise Apr 2014 #16

Of course...... BronxBoy Apr 2014 #18

My daughter did the same thing to black men when she was a baby. bravenak Apr 2014 #54

How do you know with an unknown child, like the little Mexican girl, what she is reacting to? pnwmom Apr 2014 #56

Her dad told me that she had never met a black person up close. bravenak Apr 2014 #60

The father had probably noticed it before then. . . . and maybe also communicated something to her. pnwmom Apr 2014 #61

The santa line is always full of screamers. bravenak Apr 2014 #63

It's hard to know what little kids think about race sometimes. My son is color-blind, pnwmom Apr 2014 #64

Your son makes more sense than most of us. bravenak Apr 2014 #67

There was another time when he was about 7. pnwmom Apr 2014 #77

Sorry that your son is color blind.... blueamy66 Apr 2014 #100

I used to feel bad for him about it pnwmom Apr 2014 #101

Oh freaking man... AgingAmerican Apr 2014 #38

The child has been liberated and united with his rightful family. I have no doubt that StevieM Apr 2014 #112

MN requires the father's consent for adoption BainsBane Apr 2014 #8

This did not occur in MN Bonobo Apr 2014 #29

The law determines what that is BainsBane Apr 2014 #33

Missouri is one of the states that has a Putative Father Registry pnwmom Apr 2014 #57

I feel so much hatred for the people who 'adopted' the baby. Boudica the Lyoness Apr 2014 #23

Right? Who could do this? me b zola Apr 2014 #26

The real elephant in the room here Bonobo Apr 2014 #27

Have you seen a report that they knew about the father's interest when they adopted? n/t pnwmom Apr 2014 #36

Have you seen one that they didn't? AgingAmerican Apr 2014 #40

That is my point. We don't know both sides. pnwmom Apr 2014 #48

The mother and adoption agency are to blame... Violet_Crumble Apr 2014 #55

No.... BronxBoy Apr 2014 #84

The people adopted through an agency. Why should you hate them when pnwmom Apr 2014 #30

me b zola, what is your story? Nine Apr 2014 #32

Thank you for asking me b zola Apr 2014 #44

I don't want to know my history. blueamy66 Apr 2014 #70

I guess I thought there would be more to your story. Nine Apr 2014 #71

The current standard is often for prospective adoptive parents to promise an open adoption StevieM Apr 2014 #117

That goes both ways. Nine Apr 2014 #155

Have you read if he signed up on Missouri's "Putative Father Registry," since he knew about pnwmom Apr 2014 #37

I note that my state is in the list of 24 states. Your post educated me. LiberalAndProud Apr 2014 #85

It's too bad he didn't consult a lawyer right away -- but I realize that costs money pnwmom Apr 2014 #86

It seems like consulting a family lawyer would have among the first strategies. LiberalAndProud Apr 2014 #88

Every state should have one. There would be a lot less suffering. pnwmom Apr 2014 #92

Yeah, this... me b zola Apr 2014 #47

Speaking of truth, Orwell did not actually say nor write that. Bluenorthwest Apr 2014 #162

I agree with you totally. bravenak Apr 2014 #51

No need to apologize, I loved reading every word that you wrote me b zola Apr 2014 #52

Thank you. bravenak Apr 2014 #53

Have you tried "23 and me"? Nine Apr 2014 #81

What!?! bravenak Apr 2014 #122

They dropped the price. Nine Apr 2014 #134

Coolio. bravenak Apr 2014 #135

I'm overjoyed for baby and father! MoonRiver Apr 2014 #66

I disagree Dorian Gray Apr 2014 #72

I agree with you that it's the right call, pnwmom Apr 2014 #78

But at some point..... BronxBoy Apr 2014 #82

I didn't say their loss was more profound and I didn't say I disagreed with the decision. pnwmom Apr 2014 #87

But you seem to be ok.. BronxBoy Apr 2014 #91

It's a fact that he knew as early as March that the ex was pursuing adoption -- he said so. pnwmom Apr 2014 #94

He was for all BronxBoy Apr 2014 #98

Never mind, found it maddezmom Apr 2014 #109

I totally agree with you here. Dorian Gray Apr 2014 #126

I can see why foreign adoption is so popular vankuria Apr 2014 #74

But didn't this father have his child.... BronxBoy Apr 2014 #83

This is a sad story all the way around vankuria Apr 2014 #89

Yeah ...... BronxBoy Apr 2014 #96

Agreed vankuria Apr 2014 #97

The father was involved from before the birth; the adopters lost custody after about 10 months muriel_volestrangler Apr 2014 #104

He failed to start the legal proceedings in March 2010, which could have prevented the adoption pnwmom Apr 2014 #108

He told the adoption agency he wanted the child muriel_volestrangler Apr 2014 #111

That's what he says. But for some reason the judge dismissed his lawsuit pnwmom Apr 2014 #116

The adoption agency should have stopped the adoption as soon as he said he wanted it muriel_volestrangler Apr 2014 #121

Where is your evidence that he told them? Other than what he claims? pnwmom Apr 2014 #123

Other than the *entire* evidence we have? Why, what other evidence could we have? muriel_volestrangler Apr 2014 #125

We have no evidence. All we have are newspaper articles, all from the point of view pnwmom Apr 2014 #127

He's Black ... BronxBoy Apr 2014 #178

I WILL tell you that this baby is better off staying with her mom than being adopted (eom) StevieM Apr 2014 #115

Oh really. Then you must be disappointed that the Mom is no longer sharing custody. pnwmom Apr 2014 #124

First of all, you didn't read the post I was responding to. It wasn't about this case. StevieM Apr 2014 #131

Why is it an "epic win" to go from having his biological father and mother sharing custody 50/50 pnwmom Apr 2014 #113

This is a wonderful story. It is a shame that sometimes it doesn't go this way and StevieM Apr 2014 #119

When I hear of stories like this I am very conflicted. SheilaT Apr 2014 #136

I think you are underestimating how corrupt and dishonest adoption agencies are (eom) StevieM Apr 2014 #138

Do you have a link for that? Anything besides anecdotal evidence? n/t pnwmom Apr 2014 #140

I suggest you go to websites like First Mother Forum, Musings of the Lame, or StevieM Apr 2014 #142

Anecdotal reports aren't enough to back up such a sweeping claim. pnwmom Apr 2014 #143

I agree. It looks like he'll be a good father, but if he'd acted sooner he could have blocked pnwmom Apr 2014 #141

You make a very important point which has been overlooked in this discussion. SheilaT Apr 2014 #144

Yes, in older generations most adoptions were probably informal. pnwmom Apr 2014 #145

In my cousin's case, her mother was never willing to sign SheilaT Apr 2014 #156

Based upon the article, it sounded like this young avebury Apr 2014 #147

You seem to have overlooked the fact that the young man himself said pnwmom Apr 2014 #148

Coulda, shoulda, woulda...... BronxBoy Apr 2014 #157

I hardly expect for any young college age kid avebury Apr 2014 #159

Any college student is smart enough to call a lawyer and connected enough pnwmom Apr 2014 #169

Had the adoption gone thru or was the infant just placed with the adoptive parents maddezmom Apr 2014 #170

You're right -- it probably wasn't finalized. But the 15 day legal deadline for the father pnwmom Apr 2014 #172

Up until the instant of birth, it's her body and her choice. lumberjack_jeff Apr 2014 #150

The problem was that the father says he was notified of the adoption in March pnwmom Apr 2014 #177

Will the birth mother be required to pay child support? n/t lumberjack_jeff Apr 2014 #151

I would hope so! avebury Apr 2014 #160