Rape Culture: One way to say yes, many ways to say no. [View all]

A lot of men are confused, it seems. A lack of empathy seems to push its way into situations where two people are exploring the potential sexual side of a relationship. An inability to put oneself into the position of the other person seems to get in the way of understanding some really simple stuff. There's really only one way that sexual activity is OK, and that is if there is conscious, enthusiastic consent on the part of BOTH parties.

Yes! means yes. Pretty much everything else means NO! Yes! can be spoken or unspoken. But if it's unspoken, it needs to be very clear that the other person is eager to continue whatever the two of you are doing and may even be taking the lead. Silence or physical resistance is never Yes! Lots of things aren't Yes! and if it's not Yes! it's no.

Spoken No.
"No" means no, no matter how it is said.
"Stop" means no.
"Cut that out" means no.
"I'm uncomfortable about this" means no.
"Let's take this a little slower" means no.
"I wish you wouldn't do that right now" means no.
"I'm not really ready for this yet" means no.
"You're pushing me" means no.
"I don't know if I want to do this" means no.
"I give up." means no.
"Whatever. I'm not arguing any more" means no.
"Take me home" means no.
Slurred speech means no.
Essentially, anything said that is not enthusiastic approval means no.
If you've been whining, pleading, arguing, or using any psychological strategies, it's no.

Unspoken No.
Semi-consciousness means no.
Stumbling and falling due to intoxication means no.
Sleeping means no.
Pushing away means no.
Suddenly becoming stiff and uncooperative means no.
Going completely limp and unresponsive means no.
Withdrawal from what's going on means no.
Physical resistance of any kind means no.
Blank, checked-out eyes mean no.
A bored, apathetic reaction means no.
If you're at all unsure of whether you should keep on with what's going on, it's probably no.

If you have any question about whether there is an enthusiastic "Yes!" it's probably no. Empathy means being aware of the other person and how that person is reacting to what is going on. It's putting yourself in the other person's position and asking yourself whether you'd be behaving or speaking in that way if you meant "Yes!" If you're not sure it's "Yes!" it's probably no.

How should you react to any of the things that are "No?" Just stop. Back up. Talk to the other person and find out what's going on with that person. Find out what the other person is thinking about what's happening. Just stop. Put your empathy hat on and back off. Ask questions and accept the answers. Listen. Ask. Be a caring human being.

Bottom line: If it's "no," continuing is sexual assault, at best, or rape, at worst. Don't do that. Don't be that guy.