General Discussion

MineralMan

(150,436 posts)

41. Nobody is obligated to continue dating anyone.

Sun Apr 20, 2014, 09:54 AM

Apr 2014

If one person doesn't want to have sex, you simply don't ask them out if that's your main wish for that person. That seems simple enough. If she says no and that doesn't fit the other person's wishes, then the answer is simple. Don't date that person again. If, on the other hand, this mythical athlete is truly looking for a relationship with someone, sex shouldn't be the primary criterion.

In a dating relationship, as in all relationships, the two people are their own agents. Both have an equal right to determine their own wishes and actions. That is always true. In casual dating situations, there are no obligations, except to respect the other person's wishes. That seems simple enough to understand.

Sex is one aspect of life, and it's an aspect that takes up very little of a person's actual life. It's never an essential thing. It's a desire, not a mandate. If a person believes that sex is the primary object of relationships, then that person still has some growing up to do, in my opinion.

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Rape Culture: One way to say yes, many ways to say no. [View all] MineralMan Apr 2014 OP

~kick! CrispyQ Apr 2014 #1

Thanks for the kick! MineralMan Apr 2014 #2

I don't think we're teaching empathy MineralMan Apr 2014 #3

BECUZ EMPUTHY IS FOR WUSSES AND MANGINAS DUHHHHHH alp227 Apr 2014 #23

Well, I never had much to do with the "cool crowd." MineralMan Apr 2014 #31

I know that rape and sexual assault are about power, but it also happens because LuvNewcastle Apr 2014 #4

Well, my opinion about that is that if you're MineralMan Apr 2014 #5

Recreational sex isn't really my style, either. LuvNewcastle Apr 2014 #8

I'm OK with it, or was in my younger years. MineralMan Apr 2014 #13

Thank you for posting this. K&R Tuesday Afternoon Apr 2014 #6

And thank you for replying to it. MineralMan Apr 2014 #11

Kicked and recommended! In_The_Wind Apr 2014 #7

k&r, uppityperson Apr 2014 #9

K & R n/t Aerows Apr 2014 #10

Thanks for the K&Rs! MineralMan Apr 2014 #12

What a fantastic way you laid out this op mineral. Nt seabeyond Apr 2014 #14

Thank you. I've been thinking about posting something MineralMan Apr 2014 #15

A friend told me the boys at her son's college, in orientation, Bette Noir Apr 2014 #16

Good for that college. MineralMan Apr 2014 #19

Ha! I love that! Prophet 451 Apr 2014 #76

KnR with naught more to add other than thank you. chknltl Apr 2014 #17

More: How to know if it's "Yes!" MineralMan Apr 2014 #18

Very nice, thank you. MuseRider Apr 2014 #20

I agree with much but disagree with the part about "whining" etc. Jim Lane Apr 2014 #21

Examples 1 & 3 certainly don't sound like rape scenarios. But if the guy's pushy all the time then nomorenomore08 Apr 2014 #22

I disagree. What I wrote is the OPPOSITE of minimizing rape. Jim Lane Apr 2014 #24

Stop minimizing rape, Jim. CFLDem Apr 2014 #27

Let's look at this from another perspective: chervilant Apr 2014 #25

Example 1 is coercion, pure and simple intaglio Apr 2014 #26

Poor examples, all. chervilant Apr 2014 #29

Have you ever heard anyone talk TBF Apr 2014 #28

Real-life conversations are indeed much more nuanced and ambiguous. Jim Lane Apr 2014 #61

I think if you turn TBF Apr 2014 #64

Trust me, I wasn't offering Example 1 as relationship advice. Jim Lane Apr 2014 #67

Nope, I'm not counseling anything other than TBF Apr 2014 #78

Your first example is coercive. MineralMan Apr 2014 #30

I disagree. She said no and instead of respecting that he pressed her on it. If she says no IT'S NO. redqueen Apr 2014 #32

I understand what you're saying, and tend to agree. MineralMan Apr 2014 #35

Didn't read it. She said no. redqueen Apr 2014 #39

No is a complete sentence. KitSileya Apr 2014 #40

"Treat anyone's no as negotiable, and you are enabling rape culture, pure and simple." <- BOOM redqueen Apr 2014 #43

But asking why someone is uncomfortable isn't necessarily enabling rape culture. msanthrope Apr 2014 #77

Follow-up question for redqueen and KitSileya Jim Lane Apr 2014 #63

It's not necessarily a crime, or provable as one at least, but that doesn't make it okay to keep nomorenomore08 Apr 2014 #65

We're talking ethics here. KitSileya Apr 2014 #75

The "was this rape" question involves both law and ethics. Jim Lane Apr 2014 #81

What if the athlete says it in a slightly different manner? Hippo_Tron Apr 2014 #33

It's still coercive. MineralMan Apr 2014 #34

Maybe I'm confusing two different things here Hippo_Tron Apr 2014 #36

Nope. It's still coercive. MineralMan Apr 2014 #37

So how does one tactfully say they don't want to be in a relationship with no sex? Hippo_Tron Apr 2014 #38

Nobody is obligated to continue dating anyone. MineralMan Apr 2014 #41

Right, and that's why I think this is NOT coercive. Jim Lane Apr 2014 #62

Why are you spending so much energy debating where the "line" is anyway? nomorenomore08 Apr 2014 #66

The OP was thought-provoking and I shared some of the thoughts it provoked. Jim Lane Apr 2014 #69

I do not want to date you noiretextatique Apr 2014 #42

I think "I do not want to date you" is a shitty way to break up with someone Hippo_Tron Apr 2014 #46

Yours is closer to respectable. redqueen Apr 2014 #47

Well no, he should find someone who has a similar timeframe about sex Hippo_Tron Apr 2014 #48

He's clearly got a problem waiting for a woman to be ready. redqueen Apr 2014 #49

Well I don't agree that it's a problem, but... Hippo_Tron Apr 2014 #50

no it isn't qazplm Apr 2014 #51

Oh, yes it is. MineralMan Apr 2014 #52

can you cite Niceguy1 Apr 2014 #53

What criminal code? MineralMan Apr 2014 #54

so basically you're just a opining Niceguy1 Apr 2014 #55

I'm having trouble understanding your reply. MineralMan Apr 2014 #56

fixed Niceguy1 Apr 2014 #57

Sexual assault can be defined in law or in MineralMan Apr 2014 #58

I think your op would be more accurate amd better Niceguy1 Apr 2014 #59

OK. Well, thanks for your feedback. MineralMan Apr 2014 #60

So if it's technically not rape by a strict legal definition, then it's a-okay? nomorenomore08 Apr 2014 #70

hmmmm no cause she can Niceguy1 Apr 2014 #71

what a load noiretextatique Apr 2014 #44

whining for sex because, yeah, that is So Attractive ... NOT !!! Tuesday Afternoon Apr 2014 #45

And if in doubt, you can always ask. Merely saying "Is this okay?" shouldn't ruin the moment. nomorenomore08 Apr 2014 #68

Love the use of the "Don't be that guy" line. Ken Burch Apr 2014 #72

The chronology was the other way around. Jim Lane Apr 2014 #73

I didn't know that. n/t. Ken Burch Apr 2014 #74

How about, Brigid Apr 2014 #79

Pretty ugly situation that would require that, for sure. MineralMan Apr 2014 #80